i was looking thru old photo albums, i can't find many of ah gong's pictures..

Sunday was the 7th day since he died. He didn't come back to find me.. I wrote a note telling him that i am sorry and left it on my table but i'm not sure he saw it. I left a pen there, neither did he write me anything..

I like to take photos with people. I always felt that photos are everlasting pieces of our memory that can never be destroyed. I feel even more strongly this way now that ah gong is gone. His Bday this year.. the very last one he will ever have. I had wanted to take a picture with him.. but for some reason, due to the hectic and rushed time spent there, i forgot to take a picture with him, and left. At that point, I could actually turn back and still have the chance to take a picture with him. However, I didn't.

This is one of the few regrets that i have in my life. That was the last Bday i will ever spend with ah gong. My friends tell me that he knows that I am guai to him, but I don't really know. I want him to tell me. I want to tell him sorry. Sorry that I have not done enough for him.

The last day of the funeral, I had wanted to carry his coffin, but caretakers wheeled it out. I didn't shed a tear when i saw his coffin being pushed into the furnace, neither did i when his remains were released into the sea. Why didn't i feel anything?

My friends keep saying that I am too emotional and stuff. I hate that. Once in a while i will talk about sad things, unhappy things. Because i want to be reminded about these things so that i will know how to treasure the happy things that i am previledged to have. They who ask me to accept the shit way things are, probably don't experience sad things themselves. Knowing that something is wrong, how can anyone have any happiness. THat is unless, he doesn't care enough to be affected by that unhappy incident.

Unless the preacher is living my life, he/she should not be the one telling me how to live it.

Once again, my character changed a little after ah gong died.

I tell myself it is never too troublesome to turn back. To turn that stone that have been left unturned. Many times in life, you just don't get that many chances. Be the best you can be. Saying this, i really regret not taking a photo with you as i had intended to that night.

Of course i would like it if one can be there by my side all the time. But i would really appreciate it that even though one is unavailable largely, one would appear during the most needed times.

I want to watch that Korean show again. "The Ride Home" or something. I know I would cry when I watch that. I wished I don't have to watch it alone..