[ Tots of the Gundam Prince ]

Sunday, April 13, 2008

[[ah gong... so is this it?]]

few days back, i had wanted to blog that i could change anything, that i could do anything as long as i tried... it was because i had conquered one problem that i faced the previous week.

for the benefit of my peers and whomever who reads this, i hope you can learn from my experience. When you encounter a problem, avoiding it won't make it go away. It only lets you forget momentarily. Doing something, anything, even if it doesn't not solve the problem, will definitely improve the situation by any measure better than not doing anything at all. Even in the worst case scenario where nothing changes, you can still at least learn from your mistakes.

I'm not talking big. I'm making an example out of my own experience. Just recently, i was delivering letters for MOH. Somehow, I took a consignment which was apparantly too big for me to handle. I just procrastinating, kept brooding over the whole issue, kept making up excuses to my middleman that i needed to return the lot. However, in the end, i finally sat my ass down and tried to tackle the problem head on.

In the end, not only did i solve my problem, i even cleared the damn lot in double quick time. i hope you people can will do the same when faced with a problem. I see some of my friends, always running away from their problems, only to be plagued by them continuously.

anyway, i said i initially didn't want to blog that i could do anything because there was something that i know i will be powerless to effect any change. Something happened to ah gong on friday... they told me that he was gasping for breath. All my uncles and aunties went down. he had a heart attack. My ma later told me that he is ok le.. but after that, my gugu said that this week is very crucial for him. Even if he pulls through, he will be very weak, and we don't know how long more he will last... haizz... i feel very annoyed.. this is the 2nd time, wrong info is feeded to me. the previous time was when he fell, which had led to his current state. They only told me after he was admitted into ICU and lost his memory. Fuck.. haizz.. i keep trying to control my temper at home, but they just keep doing such stupid things. have they got no fucking brain? if he's ok, he's ok. If he's not, dont fucking tell me that he is...

i went down to see ah gong on sat. the nurse said that his condition is detoilerating. I stood there looking at him breathing through the respirator, trying to say something but too weak to even utter a word. I fought as bravely as ah gong to hold back my tears.. i went to the toilet, and wiped a bit of the moisture from my eyes.. it was only 1 day before that i proudly told myself that i could do anything as long as i gave it my all. But here i am now, staring helplessly. My mind drifited back to that time when he fell and hit his head at home. No one was at home. It was only when my ah ma came home, that she noticed blood on his pillow. He didn't even remember hitting his head. When they told me, it was already a day later, he had already in ICU and visitors were forbidden as the doctors said he had a TB relapse. Still i went in to see him. A few weeks later, my ma and i were diagnosed with latent TB. We had inactive TB cells in our lungs. My ma probably got it as her immune system wasn't good. I felt that i got it because i went into his isolation ward that night. And also because i always talked to ah gong at home.

I didn't say so explicitly, but i kept thinking why didn't i return home earlier. I had intended to return home from hall one day earlier, but i changed my mind at the last minute. Perhaps i could have caught him when he fell, maybe i could have known earlier that he fell and called for help earlier. There are endless possiblities. i asked myself why i couldn't have have answered most of them. I have been able to tackle most problems life has thrown at me so far, but there are just some things which i can't accomplish no matter how hard i try.

i know that everyone's time will come. I just wonder why i couldn't have done more. Ah gong's bday this year, i forgot to take a photo with him. I may never get a chance to take another photo with him again. The picture below was taken some time last year after i heard him saying he saw Buddha sitting beside him. I regretted not turning back to take a photo with him during his last bday.. i may never get to celebrate another bday with him

i was here @
5:00 PM.

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