Saturday, March 22, 2008
[[not-good friday]]
don't feel like sleeping...
it has been very long since i had some 'me-time'
just lie down, do nothing and think about stuff.
i like those times.. it's my way of meditation. It makes me feel self-aware.
today hasn't been a very pleasant day for me.
right after lunch, Pa was yelling about in the house with other relatives around.
Apparantly the recorder was left on and it heated up in the cabinet. He then stormed around the house yelling at elwyn and I to see who was the culprit.
It wasn't me. I don't even know how to operate it. However, today, for once, after my talk with elwyn that day, i believe that neither was he the one. I reaffirm my believes because there were other people in the house, and little audris was fiddling with the remote prior. It may have been turned on accidentally.
i really hate Pa for behaving this way. He behaves like a stupid brat with unhappy childhood memories, who keeps harping on an unhappy past that he is unwilling to share nor accept a forth-coming brighter future.
I foresee that i will spend the better part of my life trying to change my Pa's mindset, regardless of success or failure. I take it upon myself to stand up to things that i deem wrong. Don't anyone question my judgement about what is right or wrong. I trust my judgement. And the very reason that i stand up to these incidents, is simply because no ones does. Everyone is just too bloody busy or lazy to stand up to unjustness. I have an eye for certain things. I believe that it is my gift. I must use this gift of noticing things to help people, to help change things.
i had a quarrel with an old friend today. i was very upset about the disagreement. i was already feeling very upset because of my Pa, and now this.. the other line was probably too preoccupied being shrouded with anger that she failed to realise that i was tearing.
I care for everyone around me. In my heart, there are some people that i feel closer to, even they themselves do not know it. Sometimes when i can, i would do more things for them, go the extra mile. Maybe because they do not know about my feelings, that's why they take me for granted. But i don't blame them. Not everyone is like me, always putting others before self. But there are also some who know their place in my heart, and yet they allow themselves to hurt me.
It's not good that i critise others. I, too, am guilty of being nasty to my ma. Haizz.. i just get very worked up everytime she says something to me. Why am i so impatient? i am very sick of me behaving this way. But i just can't change.. i wished i had someone here to guide me...if you, who reads my blog, care enough for me, help change me.
like i always say. there is always 2 sides to every coin. while there are people who take me for granted, there are also people who appreciate me. Thank you ailin for telling me that i'm one of the nicer guys you know. it's comforting to know that not everyone is blind
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i got into aviation management.
i feel that this is a new beginning and a new destiny awaits me.
i drew inspiration from a scene in 'The Unit s1e1"
"the whole universe has been conspiring to put you right here, right now."
in fact, i drew alot of inspiration from these guys in the show.
i pushed meself to go harder after i fell that time. it was horrible. yet, what they said in the showkept me going.
i reminded myself to ready a Plan B, so that i will not be caught unprepared should my application failed
Though very unexpected, my initial application failed. i was utterly disappointed. Howvere, not all hope is lost. I had actually made 2 diff applicatlons. one of which was a direct application. This was my wet-weather contingency which i was about to pull out very soon. Fortunately, my appeal for application succeeded after an appeal. Nevertheless, i was prepared to react.
anyway......i didn't tell anyone this.. but deep down in my heat, i feel that one of the reason why i picked this course was bcos elwyn was in this course too.. hnowing his chatacter, i want to be there to watch his ass
i was here @
1:12 AM.