Friday, January 05, 2007
[[shattered]]
I'm still awake... I can't sleep... watched a little of GTO just now.. the live-action series.. I lost count of the times i watched it.... it was one of my all time favourite shows... it portrayed every thing I aspired to be... maybe cos i was not feeling too well, but i just had to watch it...
i feel really low recently... cos of my results and the Sub Reg... and also the loss of faith and direction... actually, the latter attributed to the former... over this past week, in my journey to sort the mess out... i also straightened out my thinking... or so I thought.. I thought I saw what I had wanted.... but this morning, I was once again shattered... all this time... i knew how i feel about home... I want to be home more... i want to do more.. to care for home... i told Ma... i told her... after all those deaths, I want to be home more... But she said, days I'm at home, I also go out..
Yes, I do go out.. but I always want to eat dinner at home when everyone is around.. I go out only after dinner or I come home before dinner.... I want to see them more... I wan to be home... but I dont understand how come Ma misunderstands me... to say things about me like that...
I was very shattered..
for too long... all those that I cared for... they never seemed to know... they never knew that I cared.... never it seems.... how do i sustain myself for so long... it is something I can never understand... why is it, I would always step forward whenever I see them in need... i always thought for them... though I didn't always knew what to do.. i never stop trying...
however... it seems, i was always alone... standing there.. battling what ever may come.... be it triumpt or defeat... i stood alone... no one ever seems to think that i'm hurt...
people misunderstand me all the time as if I'm born to be misunderstood... it's been so long since i was ever told i was doing the right thing... and speaking about GTO... in one of the Episode.. it talked about friends... i wonder if i have more peers than friends... it seemed the case... when i'm down... i don't see anyone... peers do call on me... when there's things to do... but when i talk to them... they disappear... are this true frens? are friends only friends when they are free to do so and not busy with something else?
I know who arent... Alex and JinJin.. we always stood by each other... no matter what fucking thing happens... we dont only appear when theres good things to enjoy and disappear when we can't be bothered... that's how the fuck we are... i'm grateful also to Vincent and Eric of my tut Spec Corps.. they never fail to extend their help to me where studies are concerned... superwoman for listening to my blabber... Samantha too.. PS: although you never do anythg, but u offering to help... it's enough... it shows that you have the heart! have faith in yourself...
thats why i bear some disregard for studies... it dont seem to build character in anyway...
can't believe it's been so long since that Bday party of mine.... i felt that I have done everything for everyone... Elwyn seems less fucked up now... or maybe cos I also never talk to him... I wonder how much he listened... Pa... I have said what I wanted to say for him at the party... I hoped I had sorted out his thoughts as well...he seems ok now.. yesterday, before I left for school in the morning.. he was home, he told me there's prata... but i didn't eat it for breakfast because I was too full. Then when I was in the MRT station, he called me.. he said, "you never eat the prata ah?" I dont know.. but i felt that he had bought it for me.. and was disappointed I didnt eat it... i went back home straight, not because I wanted to take the car, but because I wanted to eat the prata.. i knew I had to eat it.... as for Ma... her Bday is coming soon... that thing I wanted to do... seems childish now... i dunno what I can do for her... i try to be home whenever i can... she always cooks alot of nice things for me to eat during the weekends... she always makes the herbal drinks for me.. even if i'm too full, i will try to drink, cos she made the effort to boil it for me.. everytime i see her after cooking.. i can see how much effort she put it... i always made sure i came home to eat... cos she made an effort to cook, i want to be there to eat what she cooked... yesterday.. i thought of going to fetch her from work, since i can drive now...i thought it's quite nice... but i didnt have the chance to do so... i had wanted to call her again.. tell Ma that I am home from school... like what I always did when I was young, but stop when I had depression back then... but after what she said to me today... I dont know.....
Anyway, it seemed that I had done everything I could have done for everyone I wanted to... it would seem that even if I had died now... i would have no regrets...
i was here @
4:12 AM.