Saturday, November 04, 2006
[[FUBAR... big time]]
saw this term FUBAR in Saving PTE Ryan.. i think it stands for Fucked up Big Time all around...
That's me... i'm bloody FUBAR now.. i lost my drive for a good 7 days... whole of e-learning week went down the drain.. something was bugging me... i knew what... i needed time to push it away.. still, it gave me a couple of sleepless nights.. i had trouble falling asleep... i had random thoughts running rampant in my mind and had dreams i wished i never had... i know it's only a matter of time before i flush it out off my system.. but it took longer than i thought. Perhaps the harder you push a spring, the harder it pushes back.. still, i know i will see the light at the end of the tunnel... after all, i fought depression singlehandedly during O'levels.. this is nothing compared to it.. PS: thanx KX for offering to listen to me :)
but i cant deny the fact that i'm coming short where revision is concerned... its not that i want to point fingers, but where the bloody fuck is my study week?? The U has too much on its mind to think that there ought to be a buffer period before the exams.. what kind of bloody sense it that... of course it's not all NTU's fault that it's stupid.. i share part of the blame for being lazy...
I have watched the entire season 1of Prison Break.. god damn.. this whole week... watching how a group of men find their way out of hell as i dig my way closer to it... still, yes, the storyline is excellent.. but what caught my eye, is the sense of brotherhood between the two, err.. brothers..
of all that are living under this roof.. i paid the least attention to my brother.. possibly cos i didn't know what to do with him.... but, frankly, i reali dunno wat to do... he's not all that bad.. but there are things that he does that i cant condone.. i dunno man... i still remember when we are young.. he looks up to me alot...he reali was a good brother unlike me..i dont think i can know the way to everything... sometimes there are things that you dont hv the answere to... for so many years, i have been trying, but to no avail... i had wished that we could be like the Takahashi brothers.. i dunno man...
For everyone else in the house, ithink i have done what is needed to be done for them... spoke up for ah gong, ah ma, Pa, Ma, elwyn.. actually i wanted to do more for him.. but i dunno why... maybe i wana gif my brother more attention... i dunno...
sometimes, people ask me.. why do you do all these things that you are doing... doing for others.. then in the end, you yourlsef are so miserable cos you are there alone.. they tell me that i should stop thinking for others and start acting for myself.... But then when you stop.. what happens... will you stop when you know that you will make a difference no matter how small it is..i cant bring myself to... and for things that people see no reason in doing... sometimes, certain things cant be explained...
and what i really hate is people who like to fucking draw wrong conclusions about me... i may portray myself to be a clown.. but that is to cover up unhappy things that i bear... fucking irritating... maybe too much is kept in that i have lost touch with myself...
let's jiayou together... i would rather, you walk with me together
i was here @
11:42 AM.