Sunday, October 29, 2006
[[heart]]
finally went to see ah gong today...
i think i know why i didn't go to see him for so long... i knew that i would be sad seeing him like this... today, he could recognise me... he held my hand so tight, i dont know why... then the feelings surged.. i just stood there and looked at him and cried..
ma asked me, "why?" I dont know why it seems that i'm the only one sad that ah gong is lying in hospital... what the fuck... initially when i got there. he was sleeping.. they say dont disturb him.. then for fuck i go there to see a sleeping patient.. and i know he would have wanted to see me too.. Ma say that it's easier to write down what I wanted to say to him and let him read it off paper cos he can't hear well.... she kept pushing me to take the notepad which i stubbornly refused... if not for the fact that I dont wan to be rude to her.. I would definitely fucked her there and then.. fucking irritating... for fuck, i let him read off a bloody sheet of paper? then might as well i post him a letter... fucking stupid.. so it would be better not for him to hear my voice la.. i can juz speak louder if he can't hear me..
last night, Pa was scolding dont know who... cos he was walking around while scolding... it started cos my fucking stupid brother once again, doing stupid thing. left his the mess he created lying around... then Pa was saying that everything dont do properly... when things spoil who repair etc.. its been long since he was last angry... anyway, about last night.. i aso dunno what the fuck was he mad with.. I only know that when I was in the army.. there are roaches rampant in my fucking kitchan with an occasional rat.. after I ORD... i was home everyday.. i made sure there was no rubish wat so ever lying around the house.. the pest disappeared... but now that i stay in hostel.. the fucking creatures are back... it's so fucking troublesome and disrupting to keep coming fromm hall every fri and staying for the whole weekend, but i do that so that I can eat with the family.. i dont need this kind of mindless nonsense... fucking stupid..
It's just so plain simple... i'm always there to look out for everyone and everything... but what the fuck happens when i;m in need... i have to sort it out my fucking slef... i have to stand alone there man...
it's downright sickening...
2 days back.. i happened to see the date on my watch and i wondered... how things might have been today... it would have been 4 over years already... i still dunno what happened back then.. which is why it still haunts me sometimes.. it probably left quite an impression because..that was probably the first time i really did something for someone, but i was left out in the cold to die.. it wasn't just anyone.. it was someone i cared for alot, and used to care the same way too.. i never knew what happened.. how everything suddenly changed in just 3 weeks... i made a bad decision back then.. i made another 2 years later...
i dunno what i'm saying now man... perhaps i'm too good at deception... that even i hide myself from myself... but that's only one side of me...there's the other that soaring with fire.. it's a balance that i keep in check...
i was here @
4:33 AM.