Thursday, September 28, 2006
[[ah gong...]]
it's been a week since ah gong fell... and he's been lying there ever since... he fell on Thurs night, but i only got the msg from Pa on Fri around four... I was quite furious and fucked any family member in sight for telling me that late... Reason being, I was told that ah gong had blood clots in his head and they cant operate on him as he is too old.. the last line in the msg was the most heart-wrenching, "The decision is to let him go peacefully." I though I wouldn't be able to see him for even the last time...
Had I known, I wouldn't have stayed on till the afternoon in school. My lesson ended at 1030... Had they told me earlier, I would have went home the night before.. it's only lecture... but I only have one ah gong... I know he would have wanted to see me... Gugu told me that he misses me when I stay in hall.. that's why i always come home for dinner for the whole weekend... it's not just eating at an empty table.. i make sure i eat with the family sitting there... for fuck I eat at an empty table rite?
I knew this day wasn't far... that's why I try to be home as often as possible.. back then, I declined to go to the hall camp also for this reason.. the camp wasn't all that important.. I had foreseen this day coming.. I know ah gong is very old already.. during my time in the army... I slowed down my steps to look more closely at the family... i saw some things which needed to be done... he was one of them... i don't like it that my brother don't talk to him properly, so i fuck him.. I sort of protected my ah gong... i don't know.. i felt that he is alone... it's not that my family is haywire, just that i don't like the way some things are going...
On the way back, on the bus and the train... i just cried... thinking that I won't be able to see ah gong again.. I don't know why I react this way too.... when i got home.. everyone seems ok.. even at the hospital too.. it seems that i'm the only one really sad, though the mood wasn't exactly joyous.. When I first saw him from outside the isolation ward, tears filled my eyes again.. I asked if I could go in to see him.. initially it was disallowed as he was suspected to have TB..but after a while, it seemed ok to go in.. my ma they all say don't need, cos he also can't recognise us.. FUck la hor.. I just went in..
ah gong was struggling on the bed.. I don't know what's causing him pain.. he had to be restrained... I kept calling him but he didn't answer.. I held his hand.. i asked him what he wanted... he just looked up at me and opened his eyes wide.. as if he wanted to say something.. but i know it's just a blank look... he couldn't recognise me... i just stood there, holding his hands as tears filled my eyes again... With all the power I had, or didn't have, I couldn't do anything for him... I didn't want him to go without even knowing that I came to see him.. I know he doted on me the most... I tried to do what I felt he will feel happy about... I came home often for him... I was patient to him.. talking to him slowly when others didn't.. listening to what little he has to say...
My only biggest regret is that it's the hols this week and that he would be able to see me everyday.. or better still. If he had fell this week, I could have been there to help him... I was told, no one was home when he fell... But then again, this is not within my power...
He is still lying there.. Though he hasn't regained his memory, I think he's amazing enough to be awake... He had an Op some years back, and due to a complication, it nearly went bad.. but he survived... I hope he does this time too... Hopefully he can live long enough to see me get married... I don't know... That's why I alway emphasize on doing things that you desire... I don't feel very sad or regret now because I feel that I have done most of what I had set out to do for him...
that night I stood in front of the Guan Yin statue and somehow, I asked her to bless him.. I'm not a religious person. I don't pray... I don't worship.... But the next day, they told me that he woke up..
I just hope he is as strong as me...
i was here @
11:20 PM.