Friday, September 29, 2006
[[]]
what happens when the one you want to protect, turns you away?
i was here @
3:07 AM.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
[[]]
I'm sick of being misjudged... can't be bothered to explain myself to people wearing tinted glasses....
IMF ended without a bang.... it's strange.. are we really that good? How ever this peace will only serve to make the people even more complacent...
i was here @
11:32 PM.
[[ah gong...]]
it's been a week since ah gong fell... and he's been lying there ever since... he fell on Thurs night, but i only got the msg from Pa on Fri around four... I was quite furious and fucked any family member in sight for telling me that late... Reason being, I was told that ah gong had blood clots in his head and they cant operate on him as he is too old.. the last line in the msg was the most heart-wrenching, "The decision is to let him go peacefully." I though I wouldn't be able to see him for even the last time...
Had I known, I wouldn't have stayed on till the afternoon in school. My lesson ended at 1030... Had they told me earlier, I would have went home the night before.. it's only lecture... but I only have one ah gong... I know he would have wanted to see me... Gugu told me that he misses me when I stay in hall.. that's why i always come home for dinner for the whole weekend... it's not just eating at an empty table.. i make sure i eat with the family sitting there... for fuck I eat at an empty table rite?
I knew this day wasn't far... that's why I try to be home as often as possible.. back then, I declined to go to the hall camp also for this reason.. the camp wasn't all that important.. I had foreseen this day coming.. I know ah gong is very old already.. during my time in the army... I slowed down my steps to look more closely at the family... i saw some things which needed to be done... he was one of them... i don't like it that my brother don't talk to him properly, so i fuck him.. I sort of protected my ah gong... i don't know.. i felt that he is alone... it's not that my family is haywire, just that i don't like the way some things are going...
On the way back, on the bus and the train... i just cried... thinking that I won't be able to see ah gong again.. I don't know why I react this way too.... when i got home.. everyone seems ok.. even at the hospital too.. it seems that i'm the only one really sad, though the mood wasn't exactly joyous.. When I first saw him from outside the isolation ward, tears filled my eyes again.. I asked if I could go in to see him.. initially it was disallowed as he was suspected to have TB..but after a while, it seemed ok to go in.. my ma they all say don't need, cos he also can't recognise us.. FUck la hor.. I just went in..
ah gong was struggling on the bed.. I don't know what's causing him pain.. he had to be restrained... I kept calling him but he didn't answer.. I held his hand.. i asked him what he wanted... he just looked up at me and opened his eyes wide.. as if he wanted to say something.. but i know it's just a blank look... he couldn't recognise me... i just stood there, holding his hands as tears filled my eyes again... With all the power I had, or didn't have, I couldn't do anything for him... I didn't want him to go without even knowing that I came to see him.. I know he doted on me the most... I tried to do what I felt he will feel happy about... I came home often for him... I was patient to him.. talking to him slowly when others didn't.. listening to what little he has to say...
My only biggest regret is that it's the hols this week and that he would be able to see me everyday.. or better still. If he had fell this week, I could have been there to help him... I was told, no one was home when he fell... But then again, this is not within my power...
He is still lying there.. Though he hasn't regained his memory, I think he's amazing enough to be awake... He had an Op some years back, and due to a complication, it nearly went bad.. but he survived... I hope he does this time too... Hopefully he can live long enough to see me get married... I don't know... That's why I alway emphasize on doing things that you desire... I don't feel very sad or regret now because I feel that I have done most of what I had set out to do for him...
that night I stood in front of the Guan Yin statue and somehow, I asked her to bless him.. I'm not a religious person. I don't pray... I don't worship.... But the next day, they told me that he woke up..
I just hope he is as strong as me...
i was here @
11:20 PM.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
[[Low]]
saw Jian Lun just now... he told me Alvin is going to get charged for play AWOL.. seems the guys back at Amoy Quee only saw him for a couple of times after we left... it's also the 2nd time I heard that he's getting married... Jianlun asked if I knew his gf was pregnant... i can't be bothered about his domestic affairs... my blood just boiled when I knew about absence from camp.. even before I ORDed, he was already playing a fool.. whenever there were Exercises, he's never around... I just can't accept it, I just don't understand why the Best Commander went to him instead of me... I was there for the Branch all the way... I never ever forsake them... Even if I wasn't the best IntSpec, I gave my best effort.. I was always there to support S2 sir... I may not come out tops where my combat capabilities are concerned, but in no way am I inferior to that fucker who don't even behave like a responsible commander...
Superwoman and Deynse are sweet.. they are the 2 few people who would ask about me when they see a change in my nick... i told them.. sometimes, it's really hurtful when you are neglected, not appreciated when you do things out of your heart...
Today, I'm feeling low again... whenever I run out of things to sustain my loony self, reality sets in, and my dark self emerges... not evil la.. juz moody, gloomy....
I remember the msg S2 sent to thank me for the coffee I left for him when I ORD... I guess that was the only one thing that I really feel appreciated for from the Branch...
The only one person who let me feels appreciated... is Stellar... though that was in the past... it will always be something I won't forget...
i was here @
2:36 AM.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
[[an old friend]]
got a msg in msn from an old friend... didnt quite expect it... i had mixed feelings..
ah.... nvm..
i was here @
3:47 AM.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
[[standing alone]]
wasted yet another day.... can't seem to understand Quantum Physics... i have the tutorial solutions in front of me, yet I don't understand a single thing.. spent the whole day staring at it... time passed real quick..
I want, but I can't.. still, I will endure... I don't know why also.. like not enought time.... I got no drive man.. no desire to study.. i think it's because I trip at the tut Qns.. very sian... what's more, everyday just repeats itself.. very monotonus... tts why my nick some days back was: Sgt wants something to wake up to... wake up, looking forward to...
"I can one!!!"
Sometimes, i tell myself this.. I told myself this again earlier today even though I know I can't... I just look ahead... Go Go Go!! push on... although my mind drifts off... ultimately, I didn't quit... though, I may not do well this coming quiz... at the very least, I have not given up.. Also don't know when I have become like this.. hmmm... pushing myself like this... I think I became like this during the army... pushing myself to the end... never allowing myself to give in when I know what I am fighting for.. I don't really know what's my driving force here.... perhaps, i'm searching for my answer along the way. In any case, I know, in the meantime, I should carry on this fight...
Eric commented again last night that it's a waste I didn't join the army.. so did Wai last week.. they were not the only ones... some commented because of my Zinc BlackHawk bag and the accessories I have.. others, because of what I say and do... hmm... am I really that inclined to the army? I guessed the army moulded much of what I am today... The spirit to persevere is one that I noticed.. Back then.. I pushed myself to no ends.. Going through all the command schools, for one sole purpose. For her. Because I know as a commander, I would have more freedom to spend time with her.. yet, one week before my graduation, she left. She didn't even attend my POP, the long awaited POP when my Chevron was pinned upon me... Then there was another her.. the one after, that I cared for so much..
I seek only to protect the ones I cared for... even though I never got anything out of anything I did... I still stand here.. perhaps it's faith, perhaps it's hope.. that one day, a miracle may happen...
cooked supper just now... my fav french toast again.. with scrambled eggs... Tried to cook the french toast with cheese.. it was funny... i'm not sure if it's good or bad... but I found a way to make my scrambled eggs more fragant. cool..
ah gong walks around at home at night, sometimes late at night, when I'm still awake.. somehow I feel that he just wants to be around me... That's why I try my best to come back early on weekends... I don't know what else I can do for him... He looks so weak now... He's very old already, but he's fit for his age. At least he can walk under his own power... I talk to him the most politely in the house. the rest? I would fuck anyone if I feel they get impatient with him.. If I can make the effort to speak beside his ear slowly to let him hear better, I don't see any reason why they can't. Ma boils soup whenever I come home on weekends.. she would ask if I am having dinner... I think it's a being filial to come home to eat... they have the heart to cook for you, then no fucking reason to absent myself... although I don't talk when I eat with them, I make sure I AM eating with them at the table, and not come back late and eat myself after everyone's eaten... I wiped the table just now.. Didn't do that for a very long time.. nowadays Ma does it.. I forgot to.. Fuck.. She cook for me.. i cant let her wipe the table also..
Just fucked my brother... told him off for not helping out in the family and stuff... I'm sick of repeating to him and I think he's also sick of listening.. I don't think I am a good brother... I want to be more... to guide him... but he don't follow, I aso can't help it.. Although it's fictious, I really hope I can be like Ryosuke... he changed his brother Keisuke for the good... They do things together though they don't do much.. Back then, I did have this funny thought. When I rent a car, I wanna ask him along, like in the anime.. nah.. sometimes, I just want to right all the wrongs that I see...
Painted this today.. My fav car, the Toyota MR2 SW20... even so, the paint job wasn't that good and the paint on the rims came off too when I polished them.. Can't seem to do anything right huh... I like this car.. after I watched Initial D.. I feel the car and its driver, Kai Kogashiwa, somewhat describes me... When he knows what to do, he really puts all heart and soul into it, giving it his best... All out! He takes pride in what he does..
other pics...
I was bored in hall
i zeng my laptop
and this is ADA's ugly STI
editted this for an angel.. haha.. Angelic-looking girl..
i was here @
3:18 AM.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
[[driveless]]
3 plus already.. but i'm still awake... experimented a dish for supper with my roomate.. improvised pasta.. Had some Sub Committee Night earlier on too.. haizz.. wasted one night.. I can't get any drive here... life's turning dull.. not sucidal, but I mean, boring.. day in, day out.. lessons lessons, tutorials, tutorials... when i want to destress, I head to JP for Arcade Stage.. tts all.. damn boring.. I want to have something that I can wake up to in the morning which I am looking forward to... something which will bring a smile to my face.. err.... something like that...
playing tennis now.. seemed to picked it up fairly fast.. playing quite averagely now for someone who only played 4 times in his life... some cute tennis club girl commented ADA and I play quite well too.. haha.... cool... the Virtua Tennis training on my PSP has paid off....
still... i find life monotonous.... damn... life's a bore.. I like studying.. i don't mind doing tuts, but bloody hate it when I encounter problems...
Come on man!! some motivation or incentives... perhaps, the angel in lectures? hell...
i was here @
3:22 AM.
Monday, September 11, 2006
[[only human..]]
Fuck yeah… just scratched my Pa’s car jus now in the carpark in my Hall… Normally when I drive like mad, no problem.. today, reverse form stop, I kena… scratched against the wall, and the front of the car some more.. what the fuck… think I won’t be riding in my golden gundam for some time to come..
I know Pa would be thinking differently. People may say it's only a scratch or dent.. but Pa would be thinking that that may bring down the resale value, or money needs to be spent to repair the dent.. Pa thinks ahead
Everything seems ok in the house now.. but this had to happen... Although I had set things right, sometimes, I trip myself with my own actions... Sgt only wants to set things rite... but sometimes, he is only human...
Watched a war movie with Jinjin and Alex on Fri night… “The Great Raid”.. it’s about rescueing some POWs during WW2… it brought me back to the days as an IntSpec, because for most parts, the movie revolved around this Captain who I presumed was an Intelligence officer of an Elite unit tasked for this mission. The terms used and the things they did, was exactly the same as what I did and experienced when I was in my Int Branch.. Déjà vu
Somehow, the 3 of us love the army, for one reason or another, I wonder if we were the influence on each other… I love the army.. I don’t know why, but somehow I just do… I love the army for what it is, and what we do.. perhaps my perceptions are moulded by my esperiences…
The IMF is coming… frankly, I was hoping the terrorists or which other dumb fucker would succeed in creating an incident, not too big I hope.. Before the ISA comes knocking on my door, I have to clarify that I am a patriot… And it’s because of my patriotism that I am hoping that such an incident will shake the folks and jolt all the civilian buggers out of their comfort zone… I think the majority population are just dumb, or trying to be dumb… Fuck caring every other thing, other than themselves… complaining about every other damn fucking thing… the news had a coverage on the RSAF Air Show.. the public relations officer apologized about the complaints of the noise generated by our low flying warplanes… Fuck sia.. The pilots are fucking training la… Would the idiot who complaint prefer waking up the explosions of an incoming arty barrage, or hearing the roar of the engines of our friendly fighter planes.. Fucking stupid.. Dumb fuckers..
Sgt wants to have something he can wake up looking forward to every morning...
i was here @
12:21 AM.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
[[today]]
i have a love bite... courtesy of my tennis racquect.... got whacked square in the mouth by it... how the hell it happened... God knows... fortunately, i tarik abit just before it made contact, otherwise my tooth would have fell out too... muz play more tennis... all the balls i hit got into projectile motion and exited the court.. bloody hell.. Intda Corps and zongming laughed till they sat on the floor....
I'm in the hall sub committee for sports.. dont know which sports... should be swimming or water polo la.. after swimming for so long, i am now a team manager haha... wat sia...
after tennis just now, my 6 packs come out alerady.. sian.. muz go eat something...
i was here @
11:27 PM.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
[[AHHHH!!]]
Shit.... i have wasted 4 weekends to date... rushing my tutorials now.... preparing an essay for eff com later.. woke up early to do my stuff.... I like studying.... but i get stopped in my tracks when I encounter Qns I don't know how to do...
But one thing I like even more is the army... I miss the army... Hey guys.. i'm not fooling you man.. I miss the army... Heard this in a show: "you know that you are doing something that you like when you don't feel tired doing it and you are happy doing it.." THat was how I felt when I was an Int Spec.. Even when I ORDed, i felt this emptiness in me... It can't be explained... on top of that, I like the way things are done in the army. "Don't ask so much questions, just do.." Things are done so much faster, and people are more decisive... I just can't stand things I see now... sometimes one fucking simple decision cant even be agreed upon... Even in my Intelligence Branch, we don't need to consider so many bloody things when anticipating the enemy.... Fuck sia, why must think this, think that, what if, how ah?? Balls la.... just decide on some fucking thing, and commit to the fucking decision, case closed...
I missed Army even more when Alex told me about his BMT stories... the Poly batch is so bonded, unlike my JC batch... everyone only does his own things.... Alex's mates stood up against their commander together.. it wasn't insubordination.. the commander was a black sheep to the Specialist core... he failed as a leader, he deserved fuck... When Alex was put down by the dumb fuck Sgt, his mates stood by him, steadfast behind him, unwavering.... It's very inspiring.... I envy him... I'm jealous that he can experience this brotherhood that I can't..haha... but I have had a taste of this during ASLC and UOC... the guys stood by me for the Zeno saga... still, sometimes I don't have self-confidence and doubt my support...
JinMing became GL.... Dont know leh.. I feel that, I troubled him due to my own decision... He saw ADA and I in canteen that day, and asked us to be SA... He has nothing to worry man... I have already said that I will be there as backup, and I will be there.. I will honour my words..
Busy weekend sia.... went Comex on Fri and Sat, then Sun woke up late... Fri went arcade with xiaowei after school also... BUCK UP SGT!!!
Certain things, I can't come to an agreement with myself.. I don't admit anything, because I don't wanna hurt anyone again... I want to be sure of myself this time..WHO WANT TO GO SENTOSA THIS FRI???
i was here @
8:45 AM.
Friday, September 01, 2006
[[Initial Da]]
Fooo.... cant seem to study... its not that i'm running about.. i'm here at my desk.. but no mood... bloody hell one leh...
haizz haizz haizz...
IntDa Corps, as ADA would call us, went JP for dinner.. due to some initial cock-ups, we went there late... as expected, the foodcourt was brimming with people.. i was joking when I suggested going to the arcade for a round of Arcade Stage.. but Tiong jumped at the idea immediately.. he's into Initial D now.. haha... and even more after I pass him the entire 4 stages and all the listed eurobeat soundtrack.. he had a go at the game... He want it already la... but then hor that stupid ADA learn so much jap aso can't read the instructions on the console and help him select buy game card... never mind.. he learn jap to flirt with girls only haha.... Tiong says very siong.. haha he die already.. think we must have new names for us IntDa > Initial Da
then bought dinner back to eat since it was already quite late... winnie asked me to tabao for her too.. she seemed damn stressed.. hmmm... quizes coming next week... No more SAF magic pen anymore... I will start going crazy too... bought 2 canned fruits too.. but the 2 supid IntDa don't wanna come and eat with me... bloody hell one leh...
short day tomorrow... end at 1030... cos i change my afternoon lecture to thurs.. but i'm still up.. wondering if i can wake up tmr.... meeting small wei for breakfast tmr after class...
hmmmm..... dunno leh... i dont know if it's wrong for me not to go be GL... i don't want to personally... but it seemed it caused problems for others... when is it right or wrong?
last but not least....
the Toyota MR2 SW20.... my favourite car...
cos it jumped down this hairpin curve... Third Stage
MR2 again...
my fav track in Arcade Stage.. ba fang yuan..
i was here @
2:37 AM.