Monday, May 08, 2006
[[Sgt cries alone...]]
Hmmm... don't know what happened just now... Pa suddenly start scoldimg people...
He said to me, " Nothing you do ever gives me confidence." Like what sia... out of the blue?
Then scold Ma, say last time pamper us too much or what then scold her.. then say she's suffering for her actions...
LIKE WHAT SIA????
What is that about???
Why he say these kind of things... especially to me? I stood up for him man... When I thought that it wasn't enough telling him face to face, I stood up for him in front of my family, the ones who doubt him.. But why he say these kind of things about me? What Have I not done? I though everything's ok le... Why suddenly like that again? Why everytime scold Ma? She wrong meh? I don't think so...
That night, before cutting the cake, I spent the most time speaking up for my pa... cos I think he is the most stressed. I failed to say more about Ma or my brother... I had wanted to... But I already can't breathe properly.. Actually Mama is the most wei qu, cos she never complains. I don't know what I can do for her.. Mother's Day coming.. I thought, just Mama and I go out to eat.. Because last time when I was young, she always brings me out. I remember that when I was in Primary school, there was once she came home early.. Think it's to teach me or something.. Then she bought this Ninja Turtle toy for me.. I still remember it's Ralphale. Then I say, I want a bad guy toy, so they can fight together.. So some days later, she bought this Ninja Turtle frog character. Yeah! Some years later, then I realised that the frog was actually a good guy...
Don't know why I am saying this.. Some things in the past I can remember.. I thought maybe Mama and I just go out and eat.. like when I was young and she brings me out to eat... How come I not close to her one? She's my mama leh... You know last time when I was in school, I would always call Mama in her office that I reach home. She say her collegue says that her son very guai, always call her.. I feel that she likes it, so I always do that, even up to Sec4. Only when I had the big quarrel with my parents and I had depression, did I stop... I said to her.. what for be so guai, when they keep saying I don't know how to think.. Since then,I have been bad to her... Sometimes I jsut want to be nice to her, but I JUST DON"T KNOW how to... How to love my Mama more? Last time I love Mama alot one ma... When I was very young, Mama took me to watch "The Land Before Time" She told me that I cried during the show... Cos in that show, the mother dinosaur died trying to save her boy... But the boy is too young to understand that his mother is dead, and he always misses her.. Even in JC when I watched that show again, I can still cry, cos I feel very sad. How come I so jibye to my Mama? I know I love my mama alot, but why I always so jibye to her?? Even now?
I regret not saying more to her during my Bday... I know I will cry even worse, but because I love my mama alot ma... But I didn't prepare my speech enough... Fuck...
How to love Mama more?
My brother also... can see from his blog. He quite terok because of my Pa, I wanted to say more things to him too.. but couldn;t find the shit to say. Like Mama say.. Elwyn looks up to me... He still calls me korkor, or kor now... But the fucking jibye, I also so jibye to him????? I don't know why I just don't know how to treat them properly... I don't know how to... I have 2 reasons why I wanna rent a car again... First is to try a handbrake turn. Secondly, I want to bring Elwyn out and let him try driving... I feel this is a way we can bond... I can't think of anything else. Because of our age gap, we don't do things together..
I am totally clueless how to right the wrongs in my life... That's why whenever I see other people having problems, I would try my best to help them... It has got nothing to do with being heroic.. I'm not that noble.. I just feel that if I have the power to make a difference in other people's lives, then I should do something about it. Never mind that I am helpless against my own problems.
Nowadays I can only cry alone... I can't cry to anyone le.. Last time, I could cry to Stellar, and yet, I could still help her.. But now... I can't anymore...
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This is so backdated... Received Janice's and Candice's present a few days back.. They mailed it to me.. It was something simple... But I was happy... Happy that she remembered... That she bothered... At least, I'm not entirely forgotten...
My Golden Gundam(the Hyundai Matrix)... it takes me to where I wanna go... It took me to Stellar twice... the 2nd time was short, but I waws happy... It can aid me in fulfilling what I want... But what matters more, is the person in the car... Yet, even though I have the heart to make things happen, they never do.. I can't seem to make any difference... I miss the times when I could do things.. when I could make people happy... When will I be able to do that again?
Even Shinn needs Stellar
i was here @
1:06 AM.