Saturday, May 27, 2006
[[Me.. Sgt Benedict.. The Lone Ranger]]
It's coming.. 30th May... my ORD.. This day has finally come.. but now.. I don't really long so much for it..
I feel empty. All of a sudden, I had this nostalgic feeling. I missed the days I do my security checks, the warning letters, etc... After I ORD, will my Branch be ok? I'm not doing a Sandy here and saying that the Branch will die without me... But it's just that I miss my Branch, I want to be there in whatever shit that may come. When work comes along, I want to be there to do it. They can survive well without me, but I want to be there with them... as I had always been there with my Branch. I was always there guys... It's just that you all didn't really see it. I was there for every Exercise.. When Int Sgt was on course, I was there, doing everything alone. I was there, when Alvin played Attn C and left me to die alone every exercise. I may be blur... but I was there nevertheless.
I was sad when the Best Commander award went to Alvin instead. It's not that I want to win it, but I am sad that what I did was never regarded.
It's always like this. It's like this with the Branch, with Leong, with my household. Fucked my brother again today. I left the com on when I went down to swim.. he was playing when I returned home. I told him to stop once I return from lunch downstairs.. Because he always gets hooked playing and the parents disallow it. It's only recently that I intervened that things improved a little. I don't want him to spoil it...
I returned an hour later. Asked him to stop, don't want. I waited 5 mins before shouting at him again. Then he show attitude already. What happened next, was me flinging the newspaper in hand at him, shouting, fucking.
The bloody jibye want to fucking show me attitude again... "I talk also get scolded, don't talk also get scolded, then don't talk la." I don't know what happened next.. I just fucked and fucked him.. It may not be the best approach, but sometimes, you have to fuck the person before he listens...
You know what happened that night, the eve of my Bday.. You know what happened in that room? You know what's happening to this family? He say after ah gong die, he is going to sell the house, take the money and go... Do you know this? How you feel if you see that your parents are going to split.... I persuaded him to stay... The world you know isn't that happy... I asked him... I thought you are ok already? I saw you like disturbing mummy, playing with her... He said, I was sian... I was just trying to find something to amuse myself... How do you think I felt? Are you trying to ruin everything that I set up... I am going to study in Jurong, but I dare not stay in the hostel. I don't want to come back and see there's no more family here. I have only been in the army for 2 yrs and the situation worsened so much.. These things didn't happened overnight.. It's just that I thought everything was already ok..............I can't rememberwhat else I said. I am the encik of this household. I can't leave this place man.. I have to be here to keep everything in place.. Simple things that people always neglect.. Ensuring there's hot water in the flask, emptying the bins so that pests won't come, talking/advicing/fucking/persuading people so as to keep the household together, etc. These are just little things. But these are nevertheless things that the household fails to see.. These things, though tiresome, won't let me me feel sick of doing.. I have to do it. Who else will?
It's like in the Branch... Sir, I stayed with you all for every mission.. I was there.. Yet, I was invisible... Perhaps my brother is too young and immatured to understand.. But my Pa is not happy that I clocked too much mileage last night when I went out for supper? I refueled his car what.. For what I did to keep this family together, I am scolded for extra distance travelled. When I have problems, I can't turn to Ma, cos she don't know how to talk properly, she will ask me fucking lots of questions and not answer mine, and when she does understand what I am saying, she is too weak to stand up for me.
I hate it when I talk about my problems to people and they reply, "You think you are alone it it? I also like that/I am worse than you." I didn't know there was ever a contest for the most fucked-up problem.. I feel that if you got a problem, then get the fuck off your ass and sort it out. Nothing changes when you just complain. Fuck. GO do something about it.. Can't people just listen.. share the sorrows? dumb fuck rite... Or yet better still.. Answer my question with another question...
Me : "I feel alone, feel that like you never care for me."
reply : "You also never care for me."
I miss you. Whenever I talked to you about my problems, you just listen to me. Even though you never do anything, nor advice anything. I feel better after talking to you.. After I finish talking, you would also voice out your own problems. I feel so comfortable sharing each other's problems. Though you never do anything for me, I wanted to do anything in my power for you. I'm always blur. Even in my Branch, I always cock things up. I can't clear the shit in my own family. However, you always made me feel that I knew everything, that I could do anything. Anything and everything I did for you, no matter how small, how silly, I always see you happy, so thankful, so appreciative. I never grew tired out of caring for you even when I never got anything in return. I never asked for anything also. Seeing you smile, you have already done everything.
I regret my bad judgement. Fuck my stupidity. I didn't want to be a bastard, that's why I didn't go to you...and now I live to regret my mistake. I knew what I wanted, but perhaps, I thought too much for people. People who never really thought for me. I have to live with this fatal error. It was so swift.. Back then, the Branch was shorthanded. I was fulfilling my duty as the Int Spec, on top of other matters. However, I never forgot about you. I still cared for you. Yet, even before I knew what was going on, you left. Oblivious to what happened, I told you even, " Don't worry, I will protect you one."
The one thing that gave me meaning just slipped away from me for good.
17'Feb & 28'Feb The Greatest Storyhttp://freedometeor.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_freedometeor_archive.html
i was here @
2:25 AM.