Wednesday, May 31, 2006
[[Made Pa angry again]]
Made Pa angry again... He asked me go pay car insurance for him at Somerset.. Initially wanted to go back camp to collect my IC this morning then go pay the premium.. But suddenly called last night. Brendan is ill, he asked for my help in lookinf after him this morning as Brendan is alone. Er shu has been nice to me and helpful in asking for the fruit seller job for me. Besides, he's family, I won't turn him down..
Er shu returned home at noon to bring us out for lunch at Newton.. Since we were near, I asked him to let me off in town to pay the insurance first, before returning to camp. In the midst of the rush here and there. I forgot to collect a voucher Pa reminded me to collect after paying..
He's angry now.. Msged him to tell him the reason, but don't think it would help. It's only a small thing, but I know Pa is angry that I let him down again. But I was rushing here and there, it is not a stupid reason, what so ever.
I feel alone.
Sgt always stands up for others. Help others. Yet, whenever he is in need, Sgt is always alone. Either that, or he is always invisible. When I collected my Certificate of Service today, I only got 'Good'. I thought I would get at least 'Very Good' as 'Outstanding' would be too absurd. I may not have done much.. but am I only good enough for a 'Good'?
I err today because I stepped forward for my extended family. However, I have to stand alone. I don't feel sian. I am just sad. I won't stop protecting my family, but I will feel alone when no one fends for me... Saw Granddaughter's blog. Grandson-in-law is very nice to her. He moved her to tears with what he did for her Bday.
Sgt cried too on the eve of his Bday. Because he saw his family in dire straits. Without any hesitation, he fought and he fought. He did everything in his power to keep his family together, but he doesn't even know if it'll stay together. It tires him even more that despite him always patching up the problems that surface, no one watches his back. Simple things like cups left all over the place, his own toilet soiled by the asshole of a brother and left in that state, etc. He has to take care of himself and the ones around him.
Sgt is sad...
Sgt remembers the time when his father used to screamed in the house. He was already 20, but he was so alone, so scared, that he would hide himself in the toilet and cry, even though his father is not scolding him. He is just raumatised by the shoutings.. After sometime he will emerge eventually... Because he knows you are always at the other end of the line.. Ever there for him.. But now, Stellar doesn't remember Shinn anymore... Still, Shinn is still there.. Ever there to step forward for her...
Whenever I do something or anything, it is never seen, or the credit goes to someone else. I don't mind being the husband who slogs all day at work, get fucked by the boss upside-down, etc. As long as, at the end of the day, when I get home, I see my wife and kids waiting for me. I know I suffer for them, which is indeed a good cause.. But I don't have the priveledge of savouring this feeling... Each and everytime I see my loved ones in a predicament, I step forward. Yet, I'm always left alone to rot.. No one stands up for me, encourages me, speaks up for me, tell me that I'm doing the right thing..
i was here @
8:01 PM.