Thursday, May 11, 2006
[[The Lonely Sgt]]
Just had the so-called Teppanyaki party...
Don't think I'll be doing any more of this kind of shit... Come late... then like no one help except for 2 who came slightly earlier... Need 1 more hot plate.. went up to take... when I came back... all happily started eating... some of the food already finish... no need to wait for me... so nice of them... when say pool side party, so much fucking hype... come the party, all don't wanna get wet... I really have to thank Jacq and her gang. really sporting... they may come late, but at least they are game... chao ji bye, the rest all come late nvm, then never even help. I like some fucking idiot transiting between my house and the pit taking stuff here and there... Wash, also I wash up... ok la.. credit given for helping me to bring up la...
It's like my Branch chalet that time... I suggest some ideas.. then fucking become I run the show... want to enjoy, don't know how to help meh? Other place don't behave like that.. then come my place, all treat me like a fool...
it's not I want to be alone with somebody or what la.. like if you invite someone, then you can't be possibly leaving them alone, not talking to them right? Anyway, the rest have cluster-fucked at the long table, no place for me there also what.. I took some time in coming down not because I was having fun in my house but because they came late and were taking some time in changing.. Don't expect me to leave them there right? And like have to wait for them to change whent the tables not even set up yet downstairs.. I like some frantic idiot run here, run there, take this, take that, while everyone else having their own fun.
Like that night, they had problem at the pub, my intention was only to bring them away from the pub, away from teh 2 psychos.. It has got nothing to do with being romantic, like the prince charging to save the damsel. I just feel that something has to be done given that situation, and since I may be able to do something about it, then why should I be watching on and not do anything? In the end, I didn't go. Because I found their behaviour fucking foolish and without thought. And I begin to question myself... Why do I always do this kind of things?
It's always like this... I'm always left alone to die, to fight my own battles, even though I always try to help others... Even on the eve of my own Bday, I have to spent over an hour talking to my stupid father... I spoke up for my mother, brother, ah gong, ah ma, and even my father himself.. I feel so lonely then.. I was standing up for eveyone.. But who was doing the same for me? Finally my Pa seemed to have accepted what I said.. But I don't know... I seem to have poor judgement. I thought my pa was ok after I said all those shit on my party, but he wasn't at all..I had been wrong about too many things. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...
People have been telling me that them heard that I gave a touching speech on my Bday... one said I left behing his legacy... What legacy did I leave behind? What I said that night wasn't a show.. It wasn't prescripted.. Some people said after my Bday, my pa let me use the car le.. Though that is a plus point, however, it wasn't my true intention... Said all that because I want him to feel less lonely because at least his son understands his teachings when no one does...
Then that night, I realised he still has the anger in him... Perhaps it was a blessing that I asked for the car that night and got fucked about it.. otherwise I wouldn't have known..
Pa: Next time don't come to me about the car again..
(me: went out of the room and came back again)
Me: What is your problem with me
Pa: I don't want to talk about it tonight
Me: Then when you wanna talk!?
It goes to show that you have to be agrressive to get what you want.. Of course you have to be matured enough to evaluate the situation and understand the limits... I wasn't fierce, just stern and firm... Anyway, if it means I have to fuck my father to knock sense into him, then by all means.
He says the family shuts him out, don't talk to him... He says it's Ma's fault for making us fearful of him.. To some extend it's true... But I told him, we are asians.. it's our culture to fear our fathers.. he says that when he comes home, we go quiet, then he also dont bother to ask; You all don't want to tell me, then I also don't bother to ask...
Stupid right... what you want, if you yourself don't fight for it... it will never happen to you, and no one will fight for you as well... Didn't expect me to be the one to be preaching this to Pa... i told him.. it may never change 100% for the better, but at least you know you have tried.. at least, it would have made a difference, no matter how insignificant it may be...
Hopefully it finally got into his head this time...
I just don't like it man... I feel like I'm Kira... He is always there for his friends and loved ones, but they treat him like fuck... How come I am always the one to do things for others.. I just feel that sometimes, people can't be so fuck-care about the things around them, so I just step forward la... People tell me, "Haiya.. everyone also like that one la. Selfish" But if everyone thinks the same way, naturally this world won't change. It may be insignificant, but at least take this first small step as an individual.... I'm like so insignificant... feel like an idiot.. When I do things for people, I still get scolded that it's never enough. But come my Bday, present also never give or what. It's not that I'm hard up for the present. It just feels like fuck, when you are scolded for not giving, and yet, you yourself are not given.
That night I was finding the bloody metal files of my Pa's.. don't where the hell the whole pack went... There in my room, I felt so alone. Cos I can't turn to anyone. Neither will anyone turn to me... It's so hard to find someone again whom I can turn to. Someone whose life I can help make a difference in, never mind how small.. Someone whom I know I can "go home" to after I toiled. Knowing this, I can face any difficulties. i miss stellar..
i don't know if i should stay in the hostel... i think if I were to stay away from home.. this whole household is going to go haywire again... can't find a roomie anyway...
i was here @
11:49 PM.