Wednesday, May 31, 2006
[[Made Pa angry again]]
Made Pa angry again... He asked me go pay car insurance for him at Somerset.. Initially wanted to go back camp to collect my IC this morning then go pay the premium.. But suddenly called last night. Brendan is ill, he asked for my help in lookinf after him this morning as Brendan is alone. Er shu has been nice to me and helpful in asking for the fruit seller job for me. Besides, he's family, I won't turn him down..
Er shu returned home at noon to bring us out for lunch at Newton.. Since we were near, I asked him to let me off in town to pay the insurance first, before returning to camp. In the midst of the rush here and there. I forgot to collect a voucher Pa reminded me to collect after paying..
He's angry now.. Msged him to tell him the reason, but don't think it would help. It's only a small thing, but I know Pa is angry that I let him down again. But I was rushing here and there, it is not a stupid reason, what so ever.
I feel alone.
Sgt always stands up for others. Help others. Yet, whenever he is in need, Sgt is always alone. Either that, or he is always invisible. When I collected my Certificate of Service today, I only got 'Good'. I thought I would get at least 'Very Good' as 'Outstanding' would be too absurd. I may not have done much.. but am I only good enough for a 'Good'?
I err today because I stepped forward for my extended family. However, I have to stand alone. I don't feel sian. I am just sad. I won't stop protecting my family, but I will feel alone when no one fends for me... Saw Granddaughter's blog. Grandson-in-law is very nice to her. He moved her to tears with what he did for her Bday.
Sgt cried too on the eve of his Bday. Because he saw his family in dire straits. Without any hesitation, he fought and he fought. He did everything in his power to keep his family together, but he doesn't even know if it'll stay together. It tires him even more that despite him always patching up the problems that surface, no one watches his back. Simple things like cups left all over the place, his own toilet soiled by the asshole of a brother and left in that state, etc. He has to take care of himself and the ones around him.
Sgt is sad...
Sgt remembers the time when his father used to screamed in the house. He was already 20, but he was so alone, so scared, that he would hide himself in the toilet and cry, even though his father is not scolding him. He is just raumatised by the shoutings.. After sometime he will emerge eventually... Because he knows you are always at the other end of the line.. Ever there for him.. But now, Stellar doesn't remember Shinn anymore... Still, Shinn is still there.. Ever there to step forward for her...
Whenever I do something or anything, it is never seen, or the credit goes to someone else. I don't mind being the husband who slogs all day at work, get fucked by the boss upside-down, etc. As long as, at the end of the day, when I get home, I see my wife and kids waiting for me. I know I suffer for them, which is indeed a good cause.. But I don't have the priveledge of savouring this feeling... Each and everytime I see my loved ones in a predicament, I step forward. Yet, I'm always left alone to rot.. No one stands up for me, encourages me, speaks up for me, tell me that I'm doing the right thing..
i was here @
8:01 PM.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
[[Int Spec 2 leaves...]]
iaIt's my ORD today... But I don't have any feeling... Maybe I have been away from camp for too long.. My Dy joked that I ORDed half a year ago, due to my Swim Team attachment... Supposed to collect my IC today, but the Battalion was on off, so have to go back tmr.. Went back last nigtht to clear bunk.. Left a bottle of S2's fav kopi-O on his table for him.. don't what to give them also.. Feeling bored, so I fooled around with his LBV..
UN Peacekeeping ForceI really feel a little awkard that I won't be going back to my Branch anymore. I don't know what else to say...
Going to babysit little Brendan tomorrow and possibly Sat morning. What sia, someone with a fierce face like me, a babysitter? Ho Ho Ho!!! DOing this for my er shu since he helped me in landing the Fruitseller job and he had been quite nice to me when I went to stay at his place during my Intelligence course.. No matter what, we as humans can't be ungrateful.Now he has difficulties and I have the ability to help him, then I should step forward.
Hah..
I'm always stepping forward.. Taking this first step alone, but always in the fight alone. Eve when I went for Swimming training, I made a point to type out a 5 page Job Scope for my understudying Int Spec, yet to everyone else, I am not working.
Looking forward to our makan after you exam..
i was here @
2:14 PM.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
[[First day at fruit stall]]
The Fruit stall called me up today... Asked me to go down to the stall. They called just a minute before I woke up.. Happy.. About an hour later.. some guy called again, asking if I could work today.. Why not?
But I was late as usual.. The stall was bloody crowded today.. Jack Neo was there shopping too, with a beautiful lady.. HOR! Tell Mrs Neo! .. Everyone was quite busy... I didn't had any product training.. In fact, I was supposed to be there to help out with some workshop, but I wandered off to the speakers display and started to mingle with the customers.. It's pretty tough for me, given that I have no knowledge about Apple products whatsoever. Not even product training. Never really had sales experience. Wasn't even expected to do sales that day.. Damn.. It was like back in the 2SIR, there and then, one way or another, by hook or by crook, the Sgt tells himself, he will learn it from scratch..
I tried my best to mingle with the customers.. Armed with nothing but my voice and my keen interest in audio systems. Though little, my knowledge which I gathered from reading up about speakers and stuff did help me answer most questions... My only shortcoming with the speakers is that I do not know the range of products well enough to recommend. All the time, I was transiting between the display and the shelvings, comparing the products and its specs. It was tough, but I will survive. Surprisingly, I managed to sell a video connector for the Ipod video.. Ipod accessories are damn expensive, this bloody connector is already $178. There are even casing going at $85... My persistent paid off with this customer.. Initially, i was over-zealous and was warned by Alvin not to "tailgate" him.. Nevertheless, I made it! Applied something I read somewhere. While the customer was squatting down to check out a product, I followed suit. It is said that, the customer won't feel so overwhelming when the salesperson is towering over him.. I find it logical.. Even though I didn't know the product too well, I went about verifying the facts with the seniors.. The customer thanked me and said he was appreciative of my effort.. This is the satisfaction I aim to get from sales... It's not something I can get from selling the most crispy KFC to a kid or packing the fastest at a NTUC cashier...
But it's tough at that place... Too many sales persons.. and the Full-timers are xia lan.. There was this mister who asked me about some problems he encountered when he sync his Ipod. I didn't know that an Ipod can't upload songs, so I asked this fat senior. He solved the problem. But when I asked him what was the problem with the syncronisation, he reply, "His Ipod can't sync" in a fucking jibye tone. Balls to you lard ass.. He is the kind of fat guy that has a double chin.. OK lard ass, this is a personnal attack. But, i say balls to you because, Do I fucking look like I don't know balls about electronics? It's just that different products have different limitations. Why must people be so xia lan.. He must be the kind of guy who only protects himself in the army... Haiya, go fuck your own balls la huh..
After that, went dinner with 2 gays, 1 ger, and a very pretty lady..
She's the most beautiful girl I have ever known.. hahahaPS: Forgotten to thank the most beautiful girl I know; Oh thank you so much for your msg that morning.
"Sgt Something... Good morning.."
Wow.. it's my honour to receive your msg, especially when it comes once in a very blue blue moon.. haha
it sure brightened up my da.. haha
With Peanut and GF the other night... I look bloody old la..
i was here @
3:10 AM.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
[[Me.. Sgt Benedict.. The Lone Ranger]]
It's coming.. 30th May... my ORD.. This day has finally come.. but now.. I don't really long so much for it..
I feel empty. All of a sudden, I had this nostalgic feeling. I missed the days I do my security checks, the warning letters, etc... After I ORD, will my Branch be ok? I'm not doing a Sandy here and saying that the Branch will die without me... But it's just that I miss my Branch, I want to be there in whatever shit that may come. When work comes along, I want to be there to do it. They can survive well without me, but I want to be there with them... as I had always been there with my Branch. I was always there guys... It's just that you all didn't really see it. I was there for every Exercise.. When Int Sgt was on course, I was there, doing everything alone. I was there, when Alvin played Attn C and left me to die alone every exercise. I may be blur... but I was there nevertheless.
I was sad when the Best Commander award went to Alvin instead. It's not that I want to win it, but I am sad that what I did was never regarded.
It's always like this. It's like this with the Branch, with Leong, with my household. Fucked my brother again today. I left the com on when I went down to swim.. he was playing when I returned home. I told him to stop once I return from lunch downstairs.. Because he always gets hooked playing and the parents disallow it. It's only recently that I intervened that things improved a little. I don't want him to spoil it...
I returned an hour later. Asked him to stop, don't want. I waited 5 mins before shouting at him again. Then he show attitude already. What happened next, was me flinging the newspaper in hand at him, shouting, fucking.
The bloody jibye want to fucking show me attitude again... "I talk also get scolded, don't talk also get scolded, then don't talk la." I don't know what happened next.. I just fucked and fucked him.. It may not be the best approach, but sometimes, you have to fuck the person before he listens...
You know what happened that night, the eve of my Bday.. You know what happened in that room? You know what's happening to this family? He say after ah gong die, he is going to sell the house, take the money and go... Do you know this? How you feel if you see that your parents are going to split.... I persuaded him to stay... The world you know isn't that happy... I asked him... I thought you are ok already? I saw you like disturbing mummy, playing with her... He said, I was sian... I was just trying to find something to amuse myself... How do you think I felt? Are you trying to ruin everything that I set up... I am going to study in Jurong, but I dare not stay in the hostel. I don't want to come back and see there's no more family here. I have only been in the army for 2 yrs and the situation worsened so much.. These things didn't happened overnight.. It's just that I thought everything was already ok..............
I can't rememberwhat else I said. I am the encik of this household. I can't leave this place man.. I have to be here to keep everything in place.. Simple things that people always neglect.. Ensuring there's hot water in the flask, emptying the bins so that pests won't come, talking/advicing/fucking/persuading people so as to keep the household together, etc. These are just little things. But these are nevertheless things that the household fails to see.. These things, though tiresome, won't let me me feel sick of doing.. I have to do it. Who else will?
It's like in the Branch... Sir, I stayed with you all for every mission.. I was there.. Yet, I was invisible... Perhaps my brother is too young and immatured to understand.. But my Pa is not happy that I clocked too much mileage last night when I went out for supper? I refueled his car what.. For what I did to keep this family together, I am scolded for extra distance travelled. When I have problems, I can't turn to Ma, cos she don't know how to talk properly, she will ask me fucking lots of questions and not answer mine, and when she does understand what I am saying, she is too weak to stand up for me.
I hate it when I talk about my problems to people and they reply, "You think you are alone it it? I also like that/I am worse than you." I didn't know there was ever a contest for the most fucked-up problem.. I feel that if you got a problem, then get the fuck off your ass and sort it out. Nothing changes when you just complain. Fuck. GO do something about it.. Can't people just listen.. share the sorrows? dumb fuck rite... Or yet better still.. Answer my question with another question...
Me : "I feel alone, feel that like you never care for me."
reply : "You also never care for me."
I miss you. Whenever I talked to you about my problems, you just listen to me. Even though you never do anything, nor advice anything. I feel better after talking to you.. After I finish talking, you would also voice out your own problems. I feel so comfortable sharing each other's problems. Though you never do anything for me, I wanted to do anything in my power for you. I'm always blur. Even in my Branch, I always cock things up. I can't clear the shit in my own family. However, you always made me feel that I knew everything, that I could do anything. Anything and everything I did for you, no matter how small, how silly, I always see you happy, so thankful, so appreciative. I never grew tired out of caring for you even when I never got anything in return. I never asked for anything also. Seeing you smile, you have already done everything.
I regret my bad judgement. Fuck my stupidity. I didn't want to be a bastard, that's why I didn't go to you...and now I live to regret my mistake. I knew what I wanted, but perhaps, I thought too much for people. People who never really thought for me. I have to live with this fatal error. It was so swift.. Back then, the Branch was shorthanded. I was fulfilling my duty as the Int Spec, on top of other matters. However, I never forgot about you. I still cared for you. Yet, even before I knew what was going on, you left. Oblivious to what happened, I told you even, " Don't worry, I will protect you one."
The one thing that gave me meaning just slipped away from me for good.
17'Feb & 28'Feb The Greatest Story
http://freedometeor.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_freedometeor_archive.html
i was here @
2:25 AM.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
[[Boredom amist siandom]]
A Friendster bulletin post...
A-You're damn good in bed
B-You are always fun when it comes to meetingnew people.
C- Your wild and crazy
D-Damn good in bed.
E-You're Super cool.
F-People totally adore you
G-Love is something you deeply believe in.
H-You have very good personality and looks.
I-You have a nice ass ;-)
J-Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You're so damn cute
M-success comes easily to you.
N-You have a BIG warm Heart
O-You love yourself!
P-You are popular with all types of people.
Q-You are a hypocrite.
R-Your talkative.
S-People think you are so sexy
T-You are the best in bed.
U-You are really chill.
V-You are not judgemental.
W-You are very broad minded.
X- You never let ppl tell u wat to do
Y-One of the hardest gangsters alive
Z- your lovable
This is me
B-You are always fun when it comes to meeting new people.
E-You're Super cool.
N-You have a BIG warm Heart
E-You're Super cool.
D- Damn good in bed.
I-You have a nice ass ;-)
C- Your wild and crazy
T-You are the best in bed.
So that means I am SUPER SUPER cool? .. But the shit about the bed... don't think it's applicable huh..
Damn... xiaoShan!!! Why the hell do you have school on Fri!!!! You wrecked our plans... Now won't be renting car.. but then how? ask for Golden Gundam from Pa? tsk...
Hope I land the fruitseller job..
i was here @
2:23 AM.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
[[The end of my time as an Int Spec]]
Went back for Happy Hour on monday to celebrate the ORD of the outgoing specialists..
I heard some of my fellow commanders saying they hae waited so long for this day... I had been looking forward to this day.. But now that I have reached the finishing line, I arrived empty handed... Guess we failed our test huh? It's not I can't let it go.. it's just that, I feel sad, it's such a waste...
During the Happy Hour, S2 commented, "Ben, come back and help us, Branch is short-handed." I thought he was joking, like he always did.. Later that night, I was talking to 2LT Gan.. He told me S2 msg him and asked him to return to the Branch to help out during his term break. It seemed that they are really shorthanded.. I msg S2 Sir that night, asking if the Branch can cope.. he said it's ok.. Something in me wants to go back to them. Is the Branch ok? I don't mind going back to help them.. After all this while in the Int Branch, I am quite attached to my Branch.. I want to be there with them if it's within my power. As long as S2 says the word. Sir, I'll fly back to the Branch. Just say. I will come.
There's this meaningful quote from the upcoming Fast and Furious 3 movie..
"All my life, people tell me I don't fit in... Maybe, I just been in the wrong place."
I may not fit in seamlessly into the Branch, nevertheless, I have come to enjoy what I did as an Intelligence Specialist..
My trusted webbing which has protected me from countless bumps.
The LAN gaming room which I set up..
Our countless hours of gaming after work... Work hard, Game hard
My 3Div Swimming Team
This is what I do
My home
My Pride
Going on a road trip with Peanutz, gf and Lion.. Is he coming? Haha... think I will settle for a Auto car, though I'm really appalled by that thought.. However, I decided on Auto considering that I can get a manual at Up Sgoon for around $50.. So I shall save the difference first.. Actually there's a manual Corolla rented by an encik in my own company line.. But the fucker didn't answer my calls nor reply my msgs after he asked me to call back later.. Like fuck sia.. if he has changed his mind about renting out.. at least have the god damn courtesy to let me know.. I fucking hate people to diao me dangling like that.. I don't know whether to rent from someone else or wait out... Bloody idiot..
Come Thursday, I wanna try handbrake turn and back flick/J-turn..
Hmm.. went for a job interview again just now... As a fruit seller... next time anyone of you wanna buy Apples, feel free to look me up..
I have downloaded Windstruck.. anyone free to watch it with me? Don't want to watch it alone..
i was here @
3:04 PM.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
[[Listen Up]]
Anyone wanna watch X-men 3 next Wed 9pm.. got 2 free tiks.. going with my Bro i think... but wonder if anyone wants to join in...
Next thurs.. want to rent car.. hey fat Lion... what shall we get?
Peugeot 206 manual for $70 OR Nissan Sunny manual for $50
i was here @
6:11 PM.
Friday, May 19, 2006
[[Just another day]]
Had my first airbrush lesson yesterday... got off to a slow start... since I already knew about cutting out the oarts and stuff.. looking forward to the coming lessons where I'll really start to airbrush... Teacher commentted that my Justice was handbrushed well.. Hahaha.. he also said that I had a good sound system which could be heard from my bedroom.. I'm an audiohile ma.. haha
Boring... played with a dumb dog last night which looked dumber than me..
Getting bloody fat these days... my tummy is atrocious...
Going Sakura for buffet later some more... die
Got to drag myself to swim later at noon
i was here @
11:12 AM.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
[[Hostel or no hostel?]]
Had a full supper just now.. Frog legs.. then prata.. need to swim tomorrow...
The topic about staying in the hostel came up... Lion said it would be terok to travel to and fro Sengkang and NTU... But I don't know man... I don't feel good being away from home for so long... it's going to be 4 yrs... it's only 2 years in the army, and the household became like that... In this house, the people are either making all the mistakes or they see things going wrong yet only grumble and scold but not doing anything about it...
Things are improving by a little bit after I sort of fuck my Pa about his stupid way of thinking... Feel that I have to be here or this household is going to go haywire again... Not that I'm boasting or trying to be noble.. There's nothing to be noble about keeping the family together... Since I'm the only dumb bloke stepping forward to do the shit.. it can't be help... A simple thing like clearing the dustbin, no one knows how to do.. everyone only knows how to finger-point or scold.. Nabei, just get off your ass and do the shit la... I'm like the bloody encik of this house...
Cheryl said I have been too involved recently... But what can I do? Just sit by and watch on as this hosehold disintegrate meh? People tell me.. I also got problem, just that I never say... My family also like that... etc
If you see that there's something not right, then by all mean, do something about it la.. What's the point in swallowing it.. It's not going to go away.. Unless you can live it down and swallow the shit, otherwise go take the bllody bull by its horns and yank them hard..
It may never turn out the way you want it to be, but at least you have taken a first step.. You never know what lies ahead ma... Some things are just worth this effort...
It's fast... Next week, I will bee out of the force already... ORD... it jsut doesn't appeal to me that much any more.. so what about it? Lost too much in my journey to this point... sian right?
i was here @
2:21 AM.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
[[Adobe photoshopping]]
bored...
entertained myself with the wonders of Photoshop 7
ignore the gayish-inclination.. instead marvel at what 5mins of your time can give you...
new thumbnail...
Pity the leaves can't be seen...
i was here @
5:26 PM.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
[[The Lone Ranger]]
sorry about it... guessed I flared up cos I got sick of doing doing doing things for people all the time and yet.. be that lone ranger...
didnt do anythg for my ma today... I don't know what to do... I had been trying to think of something to do, but couldn't come up with any... I had wanted to like bring Ma out to eat, just Mother and son, but I didnt.. I was still thinking last night... but the way she treated me... I feel sian... maybe I think too much.. but I don't like it.. I, as a kid, spoke up for her to Pa.. Yet, she always don't know how to talk to me properly, or stop telling me things like I don't know how to think maturely... Don't tell me that all parents will think like that. Why can't people have a mind of their own and act differently? I just get sian when I want to do things for people, yet I don't get the due respect or the appreciation... I don't need to be rewarded.. Just make me feel my worth...
I miss you... You are the only one person who ever let me feel this way... The only one who ever appreciated me, regardless how little I did for you... But now, even you forget me...
Spoke up for Pa... He scolded me "Nothing you do ever give me any confidence"
Spoke up for Ma... Everyday still kao pei me
Brother... spoke to Pa about him so that Pa not so guai lan with him anymore, but when he use the com again, don't know how to fucking think...
Ok.. my ah gong and ah ma don't give me problems...
Suffer like shit in SISPEC, but Leong ran off with another guy.. then the other, always say I never do things, never do enough.. always kena scolded...
The Branch forgot about me so easily...
This kind of shit has been goin on for so long... Yet, I still do what I always do... Stepping forward to see if there's anything I can do.. But who does for me? At least make me feel appreciated..
i was here @
9:37 PM.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
[[The Lonely Sgt]]
Just had the so-called Teppanyaki party...
Don't think I'll be doing any more of this kind of shit... Come late... then like no one help except for 2 who came slightly earlier... Need 1 more hot plate.. went up to take... when I came back... all happily started eating... some of the food already finish... no need to wait for me... so nice of them... when say pool side party, so much fucking hype... come the party, all don't wanna get wet... I really have to thank Jacq and her gang. really sporting... they may come late, but at least they are game... chao ji bye, the rest all come late nvm, then never even help. I like some fucking idiot transiting between my house and the pit taking stuff here and there... Wash, also I wash up... ok la.. credit given for helping me to bring up la...
It's like my Branch chalet that time... I suggest some ideas.. then fucking become I run the show... want to enjoy, don't know how to help meh? Other place don't behave like that.. then come my place, all treat me like a fool...
it's not I want to be alone with somebody or what la.. like if you invite someone, then you can't be possibly leaving them alone, not talking to them right? Anyway, the rest have cluster-fucked at the long table, no place for me there also what.. I took some time in coming down not because I was having fun in my house but because they came late and were taking some time in changing.. Don't expect me to leave them there right? And like have to wait for them to change whent the tables not even set up yet downstairs.. I like some frantic idiot run here, run there, take this, take that, while everyone else having their own fun.
Like that night, they had problem at the pub, my intention was only to bring them away from the pub, away from teh 2 psychos.. It has got nothing to do with being romantic, like the prince charging to save the damsel. I just feel that something has to be done given that situation, and since I may be able to do something about it, then why should I be watching on and not do anything? In the end, I didn't go. Because I found their behaviour fucking foolish and without thought. And I begin to question myself... Why do I always do this kind of things?
It's always like this... I'm always left alone to die, to fight my own battles, even though I always try to help others... Even on the eve of my own Bday, I have to spent over an hour talking to my stupid father... I spoke up for my mother, brother, ah gong, ah ma, and even my father himself.. I feel so lonely then.. I was standing up for eveyone.. But who was doing the same for me? Finally my Pa seemed to have accepted what I said.. But I don't know... I seem to have poor judgement. I thought my pa was ok after I said all those shit on my party, but he wasn't at all..I had been wrong about too many things. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...
People have been telling me that them heard that I gave a touching speech on my Bday... one said I left behing his legacy... What legacy did I leave behind? What I said that night wasn't a show.. It wasn't prescripted.. Some people said after my Bday, my pa let me use the car le.. Though that is a plus point, however, it wasn't my true intention... Said all that because I want him to feel less lonely because at least his son understands his teachings when no one does...
Then that night, I realised he still has the anger in him... Perhaps it was a blessing that I asked for the car that night and got fucked about it.. otherwise I wouldn't have known..
Pa: Next time don't come to me about the car again..
(me: went out of the room and came back again)
Me: What is your problem with me
Pa: I don't want to talk about it tonight
Me: Then when you wanna talk!?
It goes to show that you have to be agrressive to get what you want.. Of course you have to be matured enough to evaluate the situation and understand the limits... I wasn't fierce, just stern and firm... Anyway, if it means I have to fuck my father to knock sense into him, then by all means.
He says the family shuts him out, don't talk to him... He says it's Ma's fault for making us fearful of him.. To some extend it's true... But I told him, we are asians.. it's our culture to fear our fathers.. he says that when he comes home, we go quiet, then he also dont bother to ask; You all don't want to tell me, then I also don't bother to ask...
Stupid right... what you want, if you yourself don't fight for it... it will never happen to you, and no one will fight for you as well... Didn't expect me to be the one to be preaching this to Pa... i told him.. it may never change 100% for the better, but at least you know you have tried.. at least, it would have made a difference, no matter how insignificant it may be...
Hopefully it finally got into his head this time...
I just don't like it man... I feel like I'm Kira... He is always there for his friends and loved ones, but they treat him like fuck... How come I am always the one to do things for others.. I just feel that sometimes, people can't be so fuck-care about the things around them, so I just step forward la... People tell me, "Haiya.. everyone also like that one la. Selfish" But if everyone thinks the same way, naturally this world won't change. It may be insignificant, but at least take this first small step as an individual.... I'm like so insignificant... feel like an idiot.. When I do things for people, I still get scolded that it's never enough. But come my Bday, present also never give or what. It's not that I'm hard up for the present. It just feels like fuck, when you are scolded for not giving, and yet, you yourself are not given.
That night I was finding the bloody metal files of my Pa's.. don't where the hell the whole pack went... There in my room, I felt so alone. Cos I can't turn to anyone. Neither will anyone turn to me... It's so hard to find someone again whom I can turn to. Someone whose life I can help make a difference in, never mind how small.. Someone whom I know I can "go home" to after I toiled. Knowing this, I can face any difficulties. i miss stellar..
i don't know if i should stay in the hostel... i think if I were to stay away from home.. this whole household is going to go haywire again... can't find a roomie anyway...
i was here @
11:49 PM.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
[[Clock Strikes 12]]
Ding Dong...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me... must wish myself, cos not many wished me....
hope my family can be better now after I said all that... And it had better get thru, this time...
i was here @
12:39 AM.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
[[Without my sword...]]
Just one day without my sword, ie. my Gundam, aka the Hyundai Matrix, and I already fail to get to where I wanna go... Could have fetched her to tuition...
Spent the whole day doing my FFI for ORD.. Yet another Tshirt had its color run after I wore it... haizz Do I emit acid?
Lion... pls no more K-shit... it's burning a fucking big hole on my pocket... shit...
Is the MoMo wheel the best idea for a Bday present??
Wed is coming.. how Should I spend it? I want to be special, yet simple...Would you spend it with me?
i was here @
3:20 AM.
Monday, May 08, 2006
[[Sgt cries alone...]]
Hmmm... don't know what happened just now... Pa suddenly start scoldimg people...
He said to me, " Nothing you do ever gives me confidence." Like what sia... out of the blue?
Then scold Ma, say last time pamper us too much or what then scold her.. then say she's suffering for her actions...
LIKE WHAT SIA????
What is that about???
Why he say these kind of things... especially to me? I stood up for him man... When I thought that it wasn't enough telling him face to face, I stood up for him in front of my family, the ones who doubt him.. But why he say these kind of things about me? What Have I not done? I though everything's ok le... Why suddenly like that again? Why everytime scold Ma? She wrong meh? I don't think so...
That night, before cutting the cake, I spent the most time speaking up for my pa... cos I think he is the most stressed. I failed to say more about Ma or my brother... I had wanted to... But I already can't breathe properly.. Actually Mama is the most wei qu, cos she never complains. I don't know what I can do for her.. Mother's Day coming.. I thought, just Mama and I go out to eat.. Because last time when I was young, she always brings me out. I remember that when I was in Primary school, there was once she came home early.. Think it's to teach me or something.. Then she bought this Ninja Turtle toy for me.. I still remember it's Ralphale. Then I say, I want a bad guy toy, so they can fight together.. So some days later, she bought this Ninja Turtle frog character. Yeah! Some years later, then I realised that the frog was actually a good guy...
Don't know why I am saying this.. Some things in the past I can remember.. I thought maybe Mama and I just go out and eat.. like when I was young and she brings me out to eat... How come I not close to her one? She's my mama leh... You know last time when I was in school, I would always call Mama in her office that I reach home. She say her collegue says that her son very guai, always call her.. I feel that she likes it, so I always do that, even up to Sec4. Only when I had the big quarrel with my parents and I had depression, did I stop... I said to her.. what for be so guai, when they keep saying I don't know how to think.. Since then,I have been bad to her... Sometimes I jsut want to be nice to her, but I JUST DON"T KNOW how to... How to love my Mama more? Last time I love Mama alot one ma... When I was very young, Mama took me to watch "The Land Before Time" She told me that I cried during the show... Cos in that show, the mother dinosaur died trying to save her boy... But the boy is too young to understand that his mother is dead, and he always misses her.. Even in JC when I watched that show again, I can still cry, cos I feel very sad. How come I so jibye to my Mama? I know I love my mama alot, but why I always so jibye to her?? Even now?
I regret not saying more to her during my Bday... I know I will cry even worse, but because I love my mama alot ma... But I didn't prepare my speech enough... Fuck...
How to love Mama more?
My brother also... can see from his blog. He quite terok because of my Pa, I wanted to say more things to him too.. but couldn;t find the shit to say. Like Mama say.. Elwyn looks up to me... He still calls me korkor, or kor now... But the fucking jibye, I also so jibye to him????? I don't know why I just don't know how to treat them properly... I don't know how to... I have 2 reasons why I wanna rent a car again... First is to try a handbrake turn. Secondly, I want to bring Elwyn out and let him try driving... I feel this is a way we can bond... I can't think of anything else. Because of our age gap, we don't do things together..
I am totally clueless how to right the wrongs in my life... That's why whenever I see other people having problems, I would try my best to help them... It has got nothing to do with being heroic.. I'm not that noble.. I just feel that if I have the power to make a difference in other people's lives, then I should do something about it. Never mind that I am helpless against my own problems.
Nowadays I can only cry alone... I can't cry to anyone le.. Last time, I could cry to Stellar, and yet, I could still help her.. But now... I can't anymore...
-------------------------------------
This is so backdated... Received Janice's and Candice's present a few days back.. They mailed it to me.. It was something simple... But I was happy... Happy that she remembered... That she bothered... At least, I'm not entirely forgotten...
My Golden Gundam(the Hyundai Matrix)... it takes me to where I wanna go... It took me to Stellar twice... the 2nd time was short, but I waws happy... It can aid me in fulfilling what I want... But what matters more, is the person in the car... Yet, even though I have the heart to make things happen, they never do.. I can't seem to make any difference... I miss the times when I could do things.. when I could make people happy... When will I be able to do that again?
Even Shinn needs Stellar
i was here @
1:06 AM.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
[[My letter of commendation for SHC 3163H (Amended)]]
<<
I am writing about a very unhappy incident, which my friend and I just experienced recently. (PS: I have attached a map for your reference, which clearly shows the route driven and the route that should have been taken.)
In the morning of 04/05/06, at approximately 2am, my friend and I boarded SHC 3163H at the junction of Tampines Rd and Hougang Ave 3. Upon boarding the cab, we instructed the driver that the location was Sengkang.
However, to our astonishment, instead of turning into Hougang Ave 7 which will lead to Punggol Rd, the cabbie continued driving down Tampines Road. This route will eventually lead to TPE. As you can see from the map, we are going one big round around Sengkang. You don't need a mathematician to tell you how significant the difference is. I questioned the driver as to why he took this longer route. He replied, “This way also can go Sengkang.”
This is my reply to you, Comfort, “I go Jurong and U-turn also can reach Sengkang.”
The roads are practically free from traffic that night. Therefore, I do not believe that it was a good intent on the cabbie’s mind at that moment to take a route with smoother traffic flow. It would be ridiculously absurd. Neither does the driver look like an inexperienced greenhorn who is not even familiar with the roads in Hougang. Perhaps, my assessment is wrong. It was simply our rotten luck that night that we flagged a cabbie who is among the 9% population who does not know the route. Hopefully, my feedback could help you remove these black sheep and thus aiding Comfort in achieving a perfect score in your next Audit.
If my memory serves me correctly, the fare that night was $8.95. In all the times that I have ever taken a cab, a trip from Hougang to Sengang would at most cost $6 plus, even when taking into consideration the midnight charge.
A refund for this ridiculous trip is not of the utmost importance. However, I demand a satisfactory explanation and your follow-up actions pertaining to this matter. Pardon my harsh tone in this letter, but I simply cannot accept being taken for a fool.
<<
How is it, Lion? Did a quick one.. Never really think much into it..
i was here @
2:35 PM.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
[[SIANZZ..]]
Feeling sian sian... like somuch 5cent, 10cent things to settle...
-Haven't typed the taxi complaint letter..
-Have to get a email from Benq for my product registration..
-Do my Dental FFI, etc
Why can't people do things properly once and for all? Fucking Taxi dirver wanna cheat money..
Bloody Benq dunno how to send email..
Bloody medical centre dunno how to ans the phone; want me to go down and fuck all the medics then gum wan?
Then AsknLearn gave me expired vouchers...
Why people must get fucked jialat jialat before they wake up...
An I must always be the one to do this shit job...
i was here @
4:16 PM.
Friday, May 05, 2006
[[SHC 3163H]]
I shall skip to this shit first, since it is even more scandalous than the scandalous Lion!
Took cab home with Horny Lion just now, after supper with Muddy(The valgur identities have be censored.)
We are so bloody evil la... Jio people out just to poke fun at her.. It's not the eeee-you-so-cute-i-wanna-ka-jiao poke fun, but the what-sia-we-so-bored-sia-till-we-want-to-disturb-this-no-shame-bitch poke fun.
Boarded this taxi on the way back. I tot he was driving back along the Serangoon Park Connector, but this bugger went through Old Tampines Road to TPE. We were at the mosque at Hougang CC... Like what sia.. don't tell me he's avoiding traffic.. THere's no god damn fucking traffic... He is going one big round. When I asked him, he say here also can go... Uncle... if I fucking go the opposite way one round around the globe, I can also fucking reach Sengkang right? Bloody fuck. Other than being misjudged, what I hate most I when people pull stunts with me, thinking I'm stupid.
Hey Uncle... the stupid Sgt in your backseat is noting down your car plate no as you are happily taking the long route.
I am fucking going to give this "Comfort" taxi driver so much discomfort, he can pronouce 'Taxi' backwards...
Chao jibye.... That time Sentosa botak man wanna guai lan with me.. And since I have started driving.. These "Comfort" taxies are giving me problems... Trying to test me right? Never mind...
If I can fucking get Sony to replace me a set of spoilt earphones twice when Sony don't even have a warrenty policy covering earphones... I say good luck to you..
You jibye...
Just wait and see..
i was here @
4:39 AM.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
[[Today]]
Just sold my Gundam Battle Tactics PSP for $50 at Tampines mall...
Bloody hell.. My PSP disk drive still won't work.. SHITTT!!!
Ased the CASH CONVERTERS there if they sold Turntables and they told me they juz sold one last month for $200!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell!?!?!?!?
Haizz.. then saw this Logitech GT Wheel which has 900' turning capabilities.. cool like the real shit...
Hmm.. Scandalous Lion, if u not getting a MR2 for me, then get a Turntable. So that when I become world famous, I can buy my own MR2.. thanx.. I'll get u a car too.. Something practical and easy to drive..
Hahaha..
Sianzz.. alot of backlog of shit to clear.. Havent done my dental FFI.. Prep for Uni and stuff.. eh those in Uni.. what to Prepare??
Oh ya.. and this Fri and the next,
TEPPANYAKI/ POOL SIDE PARTY at my pool deck..
Tomorrow's will be a mini trial..
Next week's will be a post celebration party for Old School Party..
i was here @
12:32 PM.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
[[Samurai]]
Watched "The Last Samurai" again on my com..
Out of no where... there's this feeling that just overwhelmed me... Seeing how the Samurais rose up against the odds.. How they stood firm and defended their beliefs. The Samurai lived by their code of honour and are loyal to death.
Then something struck me.. Something which I had forgotten... This was why I am so stuck to gundam... it portrays the same human spirit... Things that people don't normally dare to do in real life, to stand up for oneself, to fight for themselves; all of that is portrayed by the characters.. That's why I find them so engaging. You can call it an obsession. I call it envy. I envy them for having the courage to fight for what they want. Every time I watch an Episode, I immerse myself in this virtual world of bravery and determination.
Though little, it has somewhat inspired me. I learned, slowly but surely, to stand up to what I believe in... My upgrading of my PES status was , but a small step... If you yourself don't fight for what you want, no one will fight for you de ma. And, if you just sit there and say that you can't do anything, then you really won;t be able to do anything.
Years ago, Someone once told me.. The Gundam design is modelled after the Samurai's armour.. After some thought I agreed...
Note the armour at the waist and arms...
Note: The head-gear; the flaps at its sides and the top..
The V-shaped fixture on the helmet..
Now, compare
How many people these days dare to stand up to the majority, when all the odds are against them? People now tend to only think of themselves.. Saw these kind of deeds rampant during my time in the army, because when times get tough, People start to bastard people.
"The Last Samurai" is indeed inspiring, and so is "Braveheart". The Samurais took pride in whatever they did. Their discipline is remarkable. How many of us these days take pride in what we do? We just do things for the sake of doing. We only do things we know we will succeed in. The Samurais fought to the death, even knowing that their acts may seem futile. Don't you feel inferior to them?
That is also why I like Gundam so much.. Because this human spirit is depicted in the anime. It's really that I am obssessed with the toy. Otherwise, why didn't I buy an air brush all these years? Because I like the Gundam character itself. Everyone single one tells a different story.
That's why I find more meaning in the process of doing something than the thing itself... Things may never happen the way you want them to. But I can find satisfaction and joy, knowing that I have tried and given my all.
i was here @
9:25 PM.
[[Old Sch Party'06]]
Thank you Teddy and Jacq, for your stellar performance as my Masters-of-ceremony, and everyone else for coming. Also to Cheryl for making the effort to dress up and do the ang kong! Haha.. grateful
Just wanna show off the 2 lovely kids
The pic was ruined.. however i managed to salvage it
Sadako crawled to my party
My brother is enjoying himself la
The cake
The Trophy..made it myself ok
Kids simply love me
Even got girl guide and a encik
More kids
Alex don't like this ger, cos she doesn't know how to make porridge for him..
Guest appearance by Peanut and her GF .. photo taken by an ametuer
I finally said what I wanted to say
Ah go go fever
My little gf
校花
Cute hor
On the dance floor
The Gays
Mother and Daughter
do they look like siblings to u? one's such a sweetie, the other....no comments
Reservist mood even before enlisting
Young ppl like to do this
My Int Clerk.. the only from Branch who came.. wat sia
Thanx everyone for your presents!! And for those, like Justina, who haven't give me ah.. you are cursed with AIDS like Alex... HAHAHAHAHAHA
I still want a car... can I have a gaming wheel, eg. Logitech MOMO wheel or what.. hahaha... so thick-skinned right...
I'm expecting 2 more mailed to me from Janice and Candice! A very traditional present.. hmmm... a cheong sum?
Thanx for having dinner with me that night.. It was nothing much, but I was happy.
i was here @
12:11 PM.
[[PISSED]]
Finally woke up early to a lovely morning, just to be critised.
So what if I like Gundam... What the hell sia... Gers deem guys who are obssessed with anime as childish
What is wrong with a personnal interest? I call my father's car my Gundam cos it can take me to where I wanna go. Wrong?
I'm better than that.. It's all about character-switching. Knowing how to behave appropriately according to what the situation calls for...
Like someone kena scolded, like something also kena critised.
So what if Alvin is older than me or can plans ahead better than me.. Whenever there's exercsie or the branch needs him.. he plays Attn C.. so fuck yeah.
What about this ah Dumb in wholives.. Balless bastard, keep asking how to chao keng in the army and stuff... and comments it's sad that one needs to go thru army to be deemed a man. Actually, you don't need to do that, However, you just have to be like ah Dumb to be deemed a balless shit...
I mean like take for example Alex. Jinjin is crazy, he loves the military. But there are people like Alex who don't like the army, yet they can see themselves through it. My friend in the Battahlion has been telling me he wants to downgrade since the day we set foot in the camp, yet he has survived up to this day.
You know what's immatured? This gold-haired bloke I saw in JP playing Maximum Tune 2. Nothing wrong with playing at the arcade right? But picture his wife standing beside him with a pram and a baby in his arms.
I just hate to be judged wrongly man, when people don't even know me...
But I know I did the right thing by not jumping to conclusions about this one "her".
....
This is pointless... this entry is wasting my time... It's nt that you didn't direct it at me or wat.. Sometimes, people take offence to what you say. You must also understand that.
Just forget about this whole thing...
i was here @
11:11 AM.
[[A Happy Lion]]
This is so scandalous that I have to post this even before my Bday party update...
Lion said he was sick today.. His immune system sucks because of all the cigerattes he has been smoking... So sucky that he got chicken pox a second time! I mean like what sia?? How many people gets chicken pox twice? Even lightning don't strike the same place twice la.. Think the doctor juz could bear to tell him that he got AIDS or some other STD.
But........... that's not the scandal man.. The shit is, somebody made porridge for him! Right when she knew he was sick... Oh my God!!! Somebody still act huh, say wanna get infected with chicken pox from him and get MC, and ask me for his address.. WAHAHA.. love porridge all the way from Kovan sia...
The tight hugs and warm embraces last night must have worked out some magic right, Lionova?
You Playboy!... Making out at the back of my car while I was driving you all back.. LEAVE ME TO DRIVE ALONE IN FRONT WHILE YOU 2 LEAVE YOUR STICKY RESIDUE ON MY BACK SEAT!!!! Bloody shit...
PS: Car shit... ok.. this time, Pa grumbled about a different thing.. He scolded me for burning $18 of petrol last night... The engine is fucked up ok.. Then he said, "You think it's fun ah!?" Hmmm...still, I feel it's a marked improvement than telling me to take public transport...
That Golden Wheel chair is half my Gundam now... THinking of ideas to beautify the car key... Then, today, I was at the DIY store looking at car accessories. Happened to see my Pa there.. SIAM AH!!! hahaha
Stellar...
i was here @
2:55 AM.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
[[Old Sch Party: The Aftermath(Add-on)]]
Had been so busy from a few days prior to Old School Party till now... Damn lots of shit I wanna post...
I found the party messy. Cos first time doing man.. Crowd were lukewarm at times... But otherwise ok.. Some of my friends said it was ok... Teddy said it was great.. Hmm. just hope everyone enjoyed themselves... It was so crazy that day... I didn't even sort out my gifts properly, and some weren't labelled so I don't know who gave them..
Just to name a few that I remembered...
Air Brush + compressor = 2s4 (One of the best gift)
Freshbox T shirt = Joanna?
Green OP shirt = ???
Ralph = Astray Blue Frame HG
Cousin Daryl = Infinite Justice HG
Daryl = Bottle of Vodka
Jin Zhen = Hugo Boss Perfume
Jacq n Cheryl = Pink Panther T-shirt
Jacintha = Doremon Soft Toy
Don't know what else I got.. forgotten.. it was madness that day.. Then some relatives gave me money...
What happened on the party.. It's still a blur.. hahaha shit... maybe i'll recall when i post some of the pics...
Pa is letting me drive recently...with alot of grumbling... they say it's because of what I said at the party... I'm happy that I finally said it, the car is secondary.. The reason why I wanted the party, was to tell my family all that I said that night.. Though there were more things I wanted to say.. And ah gong wasn't around to hear it. Fortunately, ah ma was there...
PS: Lion, you feeling the pain from getting struck on the head by a microphone and strangled by the cord? I really think the Kbox is a serious waste of money... No offence man.. personnal peferance..
Stellar seemed to have remembered Shinn... Now she no longer treats him like an enemy... Shin is very happy.. Though Shinn doesn't really know how long this will last, before Stellar forgets again...
My wish for my Bday was half sucessful... I hope my lucky bracelet can work this one out for me... I need this.
i was here @
5:07 AM.