Saturday, March 18, 2006
[[Unappreciated, unwanted, discarded]]
Initially, wanted to blog about me drifting the rented that nite, but i felt that wasn't that important...
Pa questioned me about my choice of course in the Uni.. Told him my decision and stuff... Some time back, I called some Prof from NTU then he told me that there is no market for Aerospace engineers and stuff.. When Pa heard that, he said that the Prof is out of his time... Pa also said that he didn't think that I read the ITE Staff work plan.. It contained info about Spore's economic future etc..
Guess my assessment is wrong again...
I did read the workplan. I have all the facts, but I am not that great as to use that information to analyse the nation's future or predict anything. How many goddamn 20 years old can interpret raw data about the country's economy. Don't tell me so and so can do that, go and fucking count how many others can't... Quarrelled with my mother over the phone afew times because of this... I don't like it. How come other families can be so close, family members can talk. Mine can't. I can't. I don't like to speak to my ma like that. But my blood just boils when she keeps nagging me to apply for my Uni course.
It's not that I don't want to apply. But after what Pa said.... I no longer have any confidence in making decisions... It seems I always get it wrong.
Back then, when Leong said she was going for overseas attachment, we quarreled. But she changed her mind when she realised it's because I can't bear to be seperated from her. However, in the end, I was posted to SISPEC. The army took me always from her. After I came back from my overseas training, I would graduate from SISPEC. I was looking forward to it. Little did I know, someone took her heart away the one month I was in Taiwan. And her friends told her to follow her heart. I had contemplated the idea to downgrade during BSLC but I changed my mind, because I felt that if I were a Specialist, I would have more freedom and could spend more time with her... My knees were already busted in BSLC, but I saw myself thru ASLC. In the end it was allfor nothing. I cannot run long distances anymore because my knees will hurt. Perhaps, it was a wrong call for her to stay for a local attachment. I made the wrong jugement.
It's not that I can't let go of my past, mummy. You just refuse to accept that this is my past. This is my failure... I don't want to disappear without anyone knowing.
Then, my one best friend. There's nothing left of our friendship anymore... I never knew what went wrong here... I never did even for Leong. I only know that I just did everything out of my heart, but people would always back stab, frontstab, sidestab me. I never ask for anything in return, but I got more than I bargained for...
Then you will forever misunderstand me. You say I want everyone to want me... The fact is nobody ever wanted me... When I do things for you, you don't see it. Now you say I am indecisive. I have other things in my life I have to fulfill, It's not that I can't decide between you and whoever... I did things for you because I felt you wanted it. You said you wanted to eat Swensens, I brought you the next day. I knew you wanted someone to drive you around in a car so I called you up when I had a rented car. You would like to try my milkshake, I drove u to my house to drink it, and was late in handing over the car to my friend.
You all make me feel like a fool. Like a idiot that I do all this. Even my own parents belittle me. This 20 years, I had almost grew up myself.. I am not talking about my parents paying to feed me and stuff. I'm talking about mental development. I only had myself as a guide. I learnt from experience. However, at 16 years old. My pa told me that everything I believed in was wrong. He said I didn't know how to think. I fell into depression at a yound age of 16. I lost my sense of direction. I couldn't tell what was right from wrong..
Then I picked myself up again. Yet, now at 20 years of age, he once again tells me that I am wrong. I don't have any more confidence to make assessments or judgements.
When am I ever right. I am peaking the limit. One fine day.... I'll just end my misery once and for all.
i was here @
12:15 AM.