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Saturday, March 25, 2006
[[SAFSA Swim Meet '06]]


Freestyle 50m
1st : 23s
My : 28.24s (Lost)

Butterfly 50m (Personnal Best)
1st: 30.1s
Me: 34.77s (8th, Lost)

Butterfly 100m
1st: 1m01s
Me: 1m31s (9th, Lost)

Medley 4 x 50m
Us: Lost (4th)

Freestyle(Mixed) 4 x 50m
Us: Won (2nd)


Damn... my performance was terrible... Haizz... but actually quite expected this outcome. There's absolutely no way I could have won in the individual events. Those are like national swimmers or what, while I'm just a weekend swimmer.... Team events were just about anybody's game. Anything could have happened... I'm surprised I could get 34s for Butterfly... Still, a silver seemed too little... My arm still hurts... Jialat...






Tomorrow's Saturday... Think it's going to be a stay-home weekend again.. Downright sian.. what the fuck.. haiya nothing to say la...jibye


I want to try drifting again... My ultimate goal is that when I fully know how to control a drift, that my stupid Pa be in the car, and I will show him that I am in control... Damn... I have driven on the expressway on a morning jam, in a goddamn manual car... No accident. How more stable can you expect from me? To think I have to go to this extreme to shut him up... Bloody hell... He never really show any trust in me... How the hell am I supposed to grow up like this, thinking that I am useless?

I told him that his upbringing was good, and that he was a good father. I wanted him to feel understood and not alone... I did it for him.. But he never once made me feel that he trusted me or could entrust anything in me... I don't do things for people to see... Yet, It's like I have a world to prove to him.... He is like this shadow that looms over me...

I don't fucking like this man... A family should'nt like this... Everytime I am unhappy, I complain to Ma, but she will always say that she's stuck between me and Pa.. Everytime like a turtle, hide in the shell... THen what am I supposed to do? I don't like to pressure her... But with my own problems, I can't just keep quiet... I want to be close to my family.. but every single fucking time, they have to do all this shit to me...

People say I'm always negative.... Has anyone see anything happy here in freedometeor?? I may be blind to have missed things. If so, please point them out to me... My life's this pile of shit...

I can't make out any happiness in it, no matter how hard I try to seek it out.. Everytime I find a thing that makes a difference, It is taken away from me....

This life has lost itst lustre... its meaning.. However, I am not going to just jump off a block or something... It's pointless... I am still seeking out my purpose here...

You think I like being negative? I just can't stand waking up everyday... It's jsut a same old boring day. I don't see any joy to anything... Everything that I have worked towards isn't there anymore...

I'm just feeling damn fucked up... This has got to stop

i was here @
4:12 AM.

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