[ Tots of the Gundam Prince ]

Thursday, March 30, 2006

[[Ex Tigerjack]]

My advice to any one serving NS now... go SISPEC... this is its mess... Think the interior designer got his insipration out of one of the Titannic's mini-ballrooms..

This is where Sgt Rose will walk down the steps to meet Encik Jack waiting at the door

Encik Jack will jio Sgt Rose here to duet "My Heart Will Go On"

followed by a portrait of Sgt Rose proning on the couch

How about a drink before steaming up the windows of a 5-tonner?

Not before, a folk dance at the dance floor...

and after everyone's drunk, check clear your bladder against the wall... after i'm done with golf

(to be con't)

i was here @
4:45 PM.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

[[Intelligence Specialist 2]]

Just woke up.. slept at 8 plus... this is a record man... Working the whole day yeterday for Ex Tigerjack... INitially they said there wasn't a need to stay overight yesterday, then there was a chance in plans.. nvm, it was ok to work late... then shit, CO coming back to take a look a 1am... So i went to chill out in a corner, since I thought that S2 could fetch me home since he livs in Punggol... THEN... I awoke at 3 plus to see everyone gone... FUCK!

In the end, took a tonner back and alighted outside camp. It was only 450am then.. Bloody hell, no bus... Think I was abit cranky or something already.. I sat myself down at a busstop and finished a movie I was watching earlier on my psp... then.... I walked back home from yio chu kang.... THen went Mac for breakfast with sutpid Alex, before going back to slp... HAhaha

Last weekend, a junior Spec asked me how to do blown up and stuff over the internet... Don't know why, but I said that if he wanted, I could teach himback in camp over the weekend as I won't be around this week... It's not like I want to show anything.. But whenever the Branch has something that I feel I can do... I don't mind stepping forward... Maybe it's because they don't really say that I'm not good.. just that nobody says anything... It's just in me... As an Int Spec.. hmmm

PS: Well...I went alone to the Exercise yesterday again, handling everything alone again.. cos somebody had sore eyes! Had to report sick...

i was here @
5:11 PM.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

[[What is this?]]

Reached the place a little late... In the cab ride there, it started to rain heavily... Got a feeling that she would be very upset, flustered... Little things like these that disrupt her flow would normally affect her alot. When I reached, the rain started to thin down..

I tried to fit in... Help what I can... Then the crowd started pouring in... It felt awkard for me with the class there, especially during the photo shoots and stuff.. Didn't help that Lima Bravo commented that we weren't one family anymore, no need to be so hardworking...

Think she was akward too. We didn't talk that night with the crowd around...

Later in the night, managed to join her in her room to check out her presents then I went to play with the kids..or the other way around? Haha..kids just go crazy around me...

Hiding in a cupboard from a bunch of balloon-wielding monsters

Then everyone left...I felt like staying back to talk to her.. nah...it wasn't convinient... Beside, ...aww nvm...

As I left, mummy thanked me for coming early to help out...

Maybe I may have missed out on occasions before... but is this the first time, absolutely nothing went wrong, and that what I did was appreciated?

What is this?

hmmmm

i was here @
11:25 PM.

[[Car Shit]]

Leaving in a while's time.. think i'll be taking a cab... don't want to be too late...

I don't know why the fuck I have a license...

Bloody fuck... it's times like this that private transport comes in handy...

Then tonight I'll be leaving early because tomorrow reporting by 6....

Then having to fucking walk out from Aloha...

Bloody shit.. it's really rattering my nerves...

Godammit.. I wanna start saving up... BMW Advance Driving lessons are waiting for me....

I'll show them...

The 2 fools at home...

I will never ever lose control of a car...

i was here @
3:59 PM.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

[[Fuck you all]]

I had wanted to go to the Autofest... Nabei jibye... have to stay at home and quarrel with my stupid mother again

Everytime just turn tail and run or hide like a fucking turtle when I start talking

Me: what is the problem? why I can't drive

Ma: You still not steady enough

Me: That time i also rent car and drive on expressway, no accidents what

Ma: that time only... then next time leh

Me: Then you always scared of the next time, then no tomorrow already la

Ma: other people also can't drive alone yet, (lists examples)

Me: I can also list out my friends who can...what you want to compare..there's no end to this

Ma: then see the family la

I wanted to just say, So this family is fucked up la?

Nabei jibye.... I just want to fucking go back to camp and help the guys to blow up maps.... Cannot drive alone then I say ask Pa fetch la... Ma say he's sleeping...

FUCK YOU ALL LA HOR

i was here @
2:39 PM.

[[Tomorrow]]

Fuck leh....

Tomorrow is going to be a meaningless day again....

Time just passes me by

i was here @
4:50 AM.

[[S. H. I. T.]]

jibye jibye jibye...

I

feel

like

a

piece

of

shit

i was here @
4:45 AM.

[[SAFSA Swim Meet '06]]

Freestyle 50m
1st : 23s
My : 28.24s (Lost)

Butterfly 50m (Personnal Best)
1st: 30.1s
Me: 34.77s (8th, Lost)

Butterfly 100m
1st: 1m01s
Me: 1m31s (9th, Lost)

Medley 4 x 50m
Us: Lost (4th)

Freestyle(Mixed) 4 x 50m
Us: Won (2nd)

Damn... my performance was terrible... Haizz... but actually quite expected this outcome. There's absolutely no way I could have won in the individual events. Those are like national swimmers or what, while I'm just a weekend swimmer.... Team events were just about anybody's game. Anything could have happened... I'm surprised I could get 34s for Butterfly... Still, a silver seemed too little... My arm still hurts... Jialat...

Tomorrow's Saturday... Think it's going to be a stay-home weekend again.. Downright sian.. what the fuck.. haiya nothing to say la...jibye

I want to try drifting again... My ultimate goal is that when I fully know how to control a drift, that my stupid Pa be in the car, and I will show him that I am in control... Damn... I have driven on the expressway on a morning jam, in a goddamn manual car... No accident. How more stable can you expect from me? To think I have to go to this extreme to shut him up... Bloody hell... He never really show any trust in me... How the hell am I supposed to grow up like this, thinking that I am useless?

I told him that his upbringing was good, and that he was a good father. I wanted him to feel understood and not alone... I did it for him.. But he never once made me feel that he trusted me or could entrust anything in me... I don't do things for people to see... Yet, It's like I have a world to prove to him.... He is like this shadow that looms over me...

I don't fucking like this man... A family should'nt like this... Everytime I am unhappy, I complain to Ma, but she will always say that she's stuck between me and Pa.. Everytime like a turtle, hide in the shell... THen what am I supposed to do? I don't like to pressure her... But with my own problems, I can't just keep quiet... I want to be close to my family.. but every single fucking time, they have to do all this shit to me...

People say I'm always negative.... Has anyone see anything happy here in freedometeor?? I may be blind to have missed things. If so, please point them out to me... My life's this pile of shit...

I can't make out any happiness in it, no matter how hard I try to seek it out.. Everytime I find a thing that makes a difference, It is taken away from me....

This life has lost itst lustre... its meaning.. However, I am not going to just jump off a block or something... It's pointless... I am still seeking out my purpose here...

You think I like being negative? I just can't stand waking up everyday... It's jsut a same old boring day. I don't see any joy to anything... Everything that I have worked towards isn't there anymore...

I'm just feeling damn fucked up... This has got to stop

i was here @
4:12 AM.

[[Autofest is off]]

Autofest is off.

It's like receiving lip service all the time...

i was here @
4:08 AM.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

[[My Oath]]

I swear upon my name...

The moment I can earn enough, I will sign up for Defensive Driving.

I am going to show that stupid father of mine up...

I can control a car...

i was here @
11:25 AM.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

[[Car shit again]]

I don't know how to start this off man...

Maybe I should start this with a NABEI JIBYE.. (PS: The font size is too small. Irrelevant to my anger)

Just now asked my stupid father if I can drive the car to go supper....

Then he got this fucking look on his face.

Pa: "Already told you before...Not necessary, don't drive"

Pa: "When you drive, I am very scared.... Your risk is very high. "

Now my turn ah...

Then when is it necessary?

I know! I know!

When there is a fucking war!!! Ya.. when the enemy invades our land, we have to flee in our car!! Eh, wait.. then Pa will say I drive too slow, he drive... Haiya, like that then when I can drive? Jialat la.. I'm turning 21 soon leh, but my intellect isn't high enough to figure this shit out.... I deserve to die!!

They scared. So I only can drive WITH GUIDANCE... But they always don't fucking go out... So practically I can't drive at all... Why don't just fucking put a sesmograph, or what fucking graph that scientists use to measure earthquakes, in the car and let it GUIDANCE me... If the readings shoot off the scale that means I not stable ma... Wah kao, this type of simple thing also need me to teach them ah? Fucking stupid leh...

i was here @
11:20 PM.

[[NTU Motor Fest]]

http://www.nbs.ntu.edu.sg/alumni/index.asp

Must go there to pick up a thing or 2 about drifting.... ALex please fucking wake up...

i was here @
4:34 PM.

Monday, March 20, 2006

[[Called upon again]]

Int Sgt msged me today... Asked me to help them do arbitary grid for the maps...

Seems they having exercise tomorrow... He saying only I know how to do the grid... Like real... can't be all don't know.. I do not know if it is really the case that all of them do not know how to draw the grid or they just want me back in camp...

Anyway, I went back... I'm not the kind to desert...

You know those Power Rangers? They can morph from human form to ranger form.. Think I can also morph from human form to idiot form... Idiot Ranger... Power Rangers come when evil space aliens attack... Idiot Ranger comes when the people need a fool to do things for them...

IT'S MORPHING TIME...

i was here @
11:12 PM.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

[[Unappreciated, unwanted, discarded]]

Initially, wanted to blog about me drifting the rented that nite, but i felt that wasn't that important...

Pa questioned me about my choice of course in the Uni.. Told him my decision and stuff... Some time back, I called some Prof from NTU then he told me that there is no market for Aerospace engineers and stuff.. When Pa heard that, he said that the Prof is out of his time... Pa also said that he didn't think that I read the ITE Staff work plan.. It contained info about Spore's economic future etc..

Guess my assessment is wrong again...

I did read the workplan. I have all the facts, but I am not that great as to use that information to analyse the nation's future or predict anything. How many goddamn 20 years old can interpret raw data about the country's economy. Don't tell me so and so can do that, go and fucking count how many others can't... Quarrelled with my mother over the phone afew times because of this... I don't like it. How come other families can be so close, family members can talk. Mine can't. I can't. I don't like to speak to my ma like that. But my blood just boils when she keeps nagging me to apply for my Uni course.

It's not that I don't want to apply. But after what Pa said.... I no longer have any confidence in making decisions... It seems I always get it wrong.

Back then, when Leong said she was going for overseas attachment, we quarreled. But she changed her mind when she realised it's because I can't bear to be seperated from her. However, in the end, I was posted to SISPEC. The army took me always from her. After I came back from my overseas training, I would graduate from SISPEC. I was looking forward to it. Little did I know, someone took her heart away the one month I was in Taiwan. And her friends told her to follow her heart. I had contemplated the idea to downgrade during BSLC but I changed my mind, because I felt that if I were a Specialist, I would have more freedom and could spend more time with her... My knees were already busted in BSLC, but I saw myself thru ASLC. In the end it was allfor nothing. I cannot run long distances anymore because my knees will hurt. Perhaps, it was a wrong call for her to stay for a local attachment. I made the wrong jugement.

It's not that I can't let go of my past, mummy. You just refuse to accept that this is my past. This is my failure... I don't want to disappear without anyone knowing.

Then, my one best friend. There's nothing left of our friendship anymore... I never knew what went wrong here... I never did even for Leong. I only know that I just did everything out of my heart, but people would always back stab, frontstab, sidestab me. I never ask for anything in return, but I got more than I bargained for...

Then you will forever misunderstand me. You say I want everyone to want me... The fact is nobody ever wanted me... When I do things for you, you don't see it. Now you say I am indecisive. I have other things in my life I have to fulfill, It's not that I can't decide between you and whoever... I did things for you because I felt you wanted it. You said you wanted to eat Swensens, I brought you the next day. I knew you wanted someone to drive you around in a car so I called you up when I had a rented car. You would like to try my milkshake, I drove u to my house to drink it, and was late in handing over the car to my friend.

You all make me feel like a fool. Like a idiot that I do all this. Even my own parents belittle me. This 20 years, I had almost grew up myself.. I am not talking about my parents paying to feed me and stuff. I'm talking about mental development. I only had myself as a guide. I learnt from experience. However, at 16 years old. My pa told me that everything I believed in was wrong. He said I didn't know how to think. I fell into depression at a yound age of 16. I lost my sense of direction. I couldn't tell what was right from wrong..

Then I picked myself up again. Yet, now at 20 years of age, he once again tells me that I am wrong. I don't have any more confidence to make assessments or judgements.

When am I ever right. I am peaking the limit. One fine day.... I'll just end my misery once and for all.

i was here @
12:15 AM.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

[[PSP news]]

http://www.funzcentre.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1081">Link

i was here @
7:38 PM.

[[SAFSA Swimming Heats Day 3]]

50m Freestyle (KO)
My time : 29s
Best time :24s
Conclusion: No fight

4 x 50m Medley (Finals)
Our time: Finals
Best time: Finals
Conclusion: Maybe

Timing for freestyle deproved. SHould have been 28++sec. Don't have the feel today... Maybe it was fatigue...
Maybe I'm just aimless....lost

After the heats ended. Got a call from Int Sgt. Asked me to report to camp.. Said I made a mess out the maps. Alot of calls pertaining to the same topic ensued...

Don't know what is happening or what will happen later....

It's sad.

I feel very sad. No one ever appreciates me... Whenever something goes wrong, fingers point to me.. No credit is given for effort put in. I don't expect myself to get everything right... But some of the things I do, I really have the heart. Even though I don't get it right, I had the heart to make things work out...

Yet at the end of the day. I am dispensible.... I had wanted to invite my Int Branch to my Games Day, should the day really materialise. I want to thank them for my unforgettable time in the Lion's Den. I want to tell S2 Sir that he really left a deep impression in me.. He inspires... but I think now no need liao...

Back then, I had no experience as Int Sgt ma... It may sound like an excuse... but that is the fact.. If given the chance to be Int Sgt now again, I would have performed better... Back then there wasn't anyone in the Branch.. S2 and Int Sgt all on course.. I'm the only one left behind... I had to manage everything... When Exercise came, my Branch mate report sick and left meto die there... In the end, after everything, Best Commander award for the month went to him...

Nvm also, one person less to thank at my party... Actually 2 in all ba..

I had wanted to say thanks for everything this 2 years... Always there to listen to me and stuff.. Never failing to offer a listening ear... Think this one also no need to say le... Very gek xim hor... How everything seemed the world to one moment, and leave you the next... It is said that I brought my own downfall, I caused the turn of events today... If caring and feeling is all wrong, then what good is there left in this world.. I think you are wrong.. You haven't experienced it yet... You don't know... You don't know me... You make me feel like an idiot... You are an idiot... I never meant for this to be like this... You should be old enough to see this... If you can't see it, then keep quiet... You just don't believe I didn't ask for anything in return... You misintepretted... Tsk... Just shut up

Now I know why Kira cries... He feels so alone... He is always there for his loved ones... When things are ok, there is no pat on the back for him... But when fate decides otherwise, Kira is scolded, outcasted. He never really had anyone to turn to... Still, he came back for his friends.. He is my idol.....

I never had anyone to turn to... I always try to make things right... I never had any ill intentions... I don't ask for anything in return, but don't turn away from me... How come I am like a lone fighter... Always have to disappear into the shadows, because no one wants him...

i was here @
12:09 PM.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

[[SAFSA Swimming Heats Day 2]]

50m Butterfly (Finals)
My time : 35.35s
Best time : 30.1s
Conclusion: No fight

100m Butterfly (Finals)
My time : 1m31s
Best time: 1m01s
Conclusion: No fight

Damn... it's one hell of a day....

I nearly didn't make it to the finals for 50m Butterfly... My bloody goggles suddenly broke the moment I plunged into the water.... I have been using this pair of goggles for a couple of years, and there had not been any sign of wear and tear... Or perhaps that is the reason it gave way...

Good bye... but I won't miss you

How the hell did the plastic break???

I got a rude shock sia, the moment I hit the water... My vision blurred. I knew instanly my goggles came off, however I only knew the extent of the damage to my goggles after I retrieved it... The brief interuption was enough to break my momentum... I had a hard time kick-starting my swim all over again and moreover I was swimming blind. Couldn't judge the distance enough to pace myself... Surprisely, my timing was the same as last week's... And fortunately, my arm hadn't give way so far... My margin was barely a hair's breadth...

After the swim, I was cursing myself that I had to break something each time I swam... At that very instance, I tripped over the stairs and nearly fell face flat... Shit... luvky for me, I was holding no to the wall....

Thought it's a good thing that I made it to the finals for every event so far... It would mean to say that I would be taking 5 events at one go on Friday.... This is crazy man... I can only sprint for at most 2 events..

i was here @
3:00 PM.

Monday, March 13, 2006

[[PSP2 Rumours]]

Got this piece of news from psp-spot...

{ Seems Sony’s current internal plans call for a release of a refitted PSP around Christmas this year. The device will, indeed, be streamlined (thinner), lighter, boast 4 gigs of memory and a camera. Proteus indicated Sony is having a hell of a time with PlayStation 3 on several fronts (between PS3’s Cell processor and its built-in Blu-ray DVD, cost effectiveness has pretty much gone out the window). Seems the ever-phantasmic PS3 may well be delayed until next year, with Sony’s reworked PSP being positioned as a lead-in to its release (in the same way Nintendo’s release of the oh-so-sexy DS Lite heralds the coming of Revolution). }

i was here @
5:32 PM.

[[SAFSA Swimming Heats Day 1]]

4x50m Freestyle mixed (Finals)
My time : Finals
Best time : Finals
Conclusion: Maybe

Walao... wasted my time today... They say enough people, so no heat, just go Finals...

When I reached home, I realised I dropped my Kira dogtag...

Haizz... very sad... I'ts been with me since JC2... And it's Kira's dogtag... haizz sadzzz

i was here @
4:47 PM.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

[[Idea]]

Just got a reckoning....

A crazy idea for my 21st Bday....

It shall be games day...

Thought of booking the multi-purpose room...

Then have makan, and all sorts of multi-player games.... PSP, PS, PS2, xBox

Guilty Gear XX Reloaded, Crash Team racing, Burnout, Initial D Street Stage, etc...

Don't know can rent arcade machines anot...

Then maybe water games in the pool!

Hahaha

Give me ideas man...

Ya, Alex..suggest... Then ask some FHM girls come.. I know you want Fiona Xie.. I would like BoA to sing Bday song to me....

On a serious note, Another idea dawned upon me when I saw a TV Ad just now.. It said: what's the best present to give your mother on Mother's Day...

I got the idea to like maybe give a simple speech to thank my parents for bringing me up.. to my brother.. to my ah gong, ah ma, alex & jinjin... don't know who else liao.. Close friends ah... those 2, then think no more le ba... used to have one, but....

Damn... swimming heats tomorrow already.. Don't know how I will fare...

Frankly, don't really expect much... The competitors are from national teams etc....

Last year's 1st place timing was

-Freestyle 50m 24s
-Butterfly 50m 32s

In any case, the timings are beyond me.. And to make matters worst, my arm's not doing too well. I can't use my arm power...

Damn

i was here @
9:13 PM.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

[[From this land....]]

Went with Jinjin today to Tekong to send him off....

It was deja vu for me.. seeing an enlistment from a different perspective...

A video was screened. In it, a father said the oath taking seemed all so familiar to him... It was the same oath...

For me, I can't remember half the oath...

However, that doesn't mean that I will forsake my nation...

When I see the new enlistees. I saw myself back then...

I wondered how many really took National Service seriously, and of this few, how many would have their gfs leave them..

hmm...that's not the point...

At WhiteSands, I saw 2 3rd Sergants ushering at the MRT station... Though both were in their Smart 4, they didn't look all too smart to me... They were standing on one leg, and swaying about... For goodness's sake, they are Goddamn commanders...

When I am outside in uniform, I make an effort to be presentable. Not only for my own sake, but also not to make a fool of the uniform... The most disgraceful thing I did would be to listen to an mp3 player... Other than that, I make an effort to stand properly, etc... Proper code of conduct... It's not that I am garang. It's like discipline man... Or to out it simply, proper upbringing from the army...

When I see the soldiers these days, I see mostly boyish looking, weak-looking man... But the shittest thing would be that they are commanders.. Maybe they just look soft, but they can lead...

But it saddens me that most Singaporeans don't hold our Army in high, or even any regard at all... They take for granted the peace and stability that our nation has the priviledge of enjoying... Does anyone understand the term of Troubled Peace... That is the state we are in now... To us, the world seems so peaceful. However, in actual fact, it's just a dormant volcano... There are so many sleeping giants out there... It's just that we don't see it... Because we have enjoyed this peace for so long, we choose to ignore this. In the words of a Commander, Peaceful days are not an entitlement, but a priviledge.

There's this line from Terminator 2..

"Every day after Judgement Day is a gift"

Judgement Day was the day, the machines lauched a nuclear war on humans. However, John Conner prevented that day from happening... Which was why his mother said that line. Because, the humans were never meant to survive.

From my point of view, everyday we live is a gift... Look around us... There's political unrest, bombings, deaths, disease, epidemics, terrorism... Yet, our nation is still unscathed.. But for how long? My generation don't see this.. So does some of our parent's generation. However on the whole, the older generation is much stronger than us... They have seen a World War, poverty, illness, death, communism, bombing... They had so muchto worry about... They had so much to worry about.. When will a family member die? How is the family going to eat? Is there job available?

Nowadays, my generation has much to worry too... Like whether my HP is the latest.. Is my Initial D card better tuned? When is xbox 360 coming to Singapore? And things like that...

I have army regulars telling me that he won't fight for this army, because it's too disorganised... Then who would you fight for, may I know? Not the enemy, i hope? Or some small guerilla task force you form yourself?

Even our own soldiers look down on our own army. Makes me wonder why people say Singapore can't fight a war... I have seen our capabilities, though not the full range, however I dare say, our firepower and tactics alone are a force to be reckon with... Even if we lose in a war, our enemy is going to feel quite a punch too...

This is our country. Defend it... Where else can you go?

From this land we are born, From this land we will fight

i was here @
11:16 PM.

[[What is a car for?]]

Can some intelligent being please enlighten me?

Correct me if I am wrong, but a car is for driving, right?

Then why the fuck, Pa ask me to take public transport when I asked to use the car?

For fuck he buy a car then...

It's not like he bought an exotic car which can only be put on display...

Then for fuck I get a Driver's license?

So that I can play Maximum Tune 2 better?

For fuck you tell me?

Guess, I can be wrong at times...

I am enlightened...

I see this bright light shining down upon me...

I realise now...

That the purpose of haing a car...

Is so that...

You can...

Fill up the parking lot...

In the carpark...

Voila...

I am so smart...

Give me a FIVE!!!

i was here @
2:59 PM.

Friday, March 10, 2006

[[Called for only when needed]]

What the hell.... Now Branch is calling me back to go for Exercise...

Fuck yeah... My time is over!

When I was there alone, managing the role of Int Sgt alone, nobody gave 2 hoots about me...

Yet now when they are short handed, they recall me....

Bloody jibye...

i was here @
10:42 AM.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

[[Down, but not yet out...]]

Kira

Shinn

Feeling sian... Low

Think I have things I need to do, want to do... My Uni course needs to be re-applied, etc

But I can't get the ball rolling.. I can't get myself moving...

What's important?

What should I do next?

I have reached the point where I don't know what is the next step to take... I have either done what I wanted to do, or I do not know how to accomplise what I want... I said before that when I am not doing anything, I am thinking..

I have my limits. Guess I am hitting the red zone now.. My arm is one good example... I have been swimming since sec 2, and this is the first time my arm nearly dislocated. Can't move my arm much still.. Didn't go gym again today...

It is disheartening... People around me. People close. I think they know I'm in some sort of slum... but no one steps forward... My specs are broken. Pa asks me to go myself. How the hell do I get to Katong shopping centre from sengkang? My parents had always brought me to make my specs. It's not that I can't do things myself, but right now, I feel alone...

When I look back, I only see loss. Though i understand that my perception may somewhat be polarised in a certain way.

I feel like I am a stupid version of Kira, and minus all his power.

Kira and I alike do things for others. For our friends and loved ones. To make them happy... We never really ask for anything much in return...

However, now Kira's friends are starting to realise him, starting to look at him...

But I am still alone... There is no pat on the back... No "Well done, Ben".... No "Thank you"... Nothing

Kira may only be a fictious character, but I can relate so much to him... I want to be like him... His actions taught me alot, yet it also showed me alot...

Why is that even though when I do something out of good intentions, I get stabbed in the back instead?

Like Kira, the bitch Frey manipulated him...

Like Kira, I am unappreciated. Only desired when required. And when everybody's lives are back to normal, we are ignored again.... Even though we suffer..no one really cares... They only question why we are not here, THey only grumble that we never do anything...

I don't need anyone to provide for me... I just need to be looked at once in a while, and also ahve a place to turn to when I am down... I don't mind doing things for people I care for... But I am only human... Even Kira needs emotional support...

I don't need anything in return... I only don't want to be forgotten... Time passes me by...

I feel so alone now... Because the people I used to fight for have turned away from me... Seeking a better life...

I don't believe that I have not err on my part... But I did have the heart... I did do things for a future... Maybe I got the steps wrong, but I meant well...

My vision is blurring...

PS: What am I supposed to do with my 21st Bday? I have never really celebrated a birthday before...

i was here @
11:13 PM.

[[Bored swimmer]]

You know...

Sometimes when I get bored...

I start to do funny things...

Morning Tai Chi... I am Sgt Crazy Lifeguard

The pool is safe... Guard Comd is here... swim in peace

eeee... see me zao geng

i-Gallop

Think my teammates are bored too

i was here @
5:18 PM.

[[My arm's busted]]

Me and my big mouth...

It's only yesterday that I mentioned me reaching the peak of my mental and physical limitations..

And here I am today, in pain....

Bloody hell, my left arm came half out of the damn socket during my Butterfly time trials today...

There was this loud "KRACK!!!" sound man... now my arm is going to stay busted for some days... shit... competition's next week... planning to go gym tonight.... have to shelve that idea...

Perhaps, it's some sort of comfort that my timing has improved... Both freestyler and butterfly improved... But now.. Damn..

Latest update:

Freestyle 50m - 28.4s
Butterfly 50m - 35.2s

If my arm didn't give way, think my Butterfly would have been 34.9s. That would have been my personnal best... Haizz.. so close, yet so far...

i was here @
4:47 PM.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

[[Fate is what you make]]

The future has not been set... Fate is what you make

Got this line out of the Terminator movie...

Food for thought for me again...

I have always believed that we decide our own lives... Thought external factors may influence the outcome, ultimately, nothing will happen if you just sit on your 2 hands and complain...

I believe I am my own man, I understand there are consequences to whatever I do... That's why caution must be exercised when making decisions...

Things that you want.. If you don't fight for, No one will...

Well, I came up with this line...

And so, I did do what I felt was right...

Resulting in a pair of busted knees for nothing...

As to the second thing, don't really feel that I lost something... I never had expected anything out of it... Some people just don't realise this. And yet, they are shooting off their traps without understanding the consequences of their actions... How is it that I don't understand my own self? Maybe one day, when you yourself do the same things for someone unconditionally, then would you understand... Until then, i sincerely hope that you do bear responsibility for your words...

Well, some things may be out of your control... Like my stupid father again.. I don't know what he is trying to do now! Is he using the same hard approach on my brother as he did to me before...

But it is really absurd to ask for his particulars be removed from the school records.. Jibye la. I know Elwyn don't study and stuff.... It's really pushing it.... Elwyn is different... He will stray... Think I have to speak to my blockheaded Pa again.. But wonder if I can effect any change...

Jinjin is going into army loh... One less buddy...

My swimming competition's next week.. Don't think I will get into the finals... Not that I have given up.. But I feel that I have achieved what I wanted to achieve where swimming is concerned... Unless I can find my purpose again... My timing can't improve.. I have reached the peak of my mind and body.

Kira is stronger...

i was here @
11:38 PM.

[[This is for you, Alex]]

http://www.square-enix.co.jp/ccff7/

i was here @
12:14 PM.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

[[FUCKEDDUP service sector in Singapore]]

Went Sentosa yesterday..... This bald man at Sunset Bay cafe had the nerve to incur my wrath..... It's ok, never mind.... I didn't beat him up... I simply sent a feedback to the management office of Sentosa...

I am writing to complain about the staff's attitude at the pub/cafe at Sunset Bay.

At approximately 2pm yesterday, I approached a staff to enquire about volleyball rental rates. He is a middle-aged looking, bald man. I was extremely appalled by his attitude in answering me. When I approached him, he was having his meal. Perhaps it's my fault for interupting his lunch, but personally, I take offence to his actions. Is it a STB directive for frontdesk staff to reply customers without looking at them and their heads bowed over their food?

It isn't an issue to me that he replied in Singish.. However, correct me if I am wrong, does the following sentence sound professional to you? "You all come here then I tell you." This was the reply I got when I asked him what I am entitled to after purchasing the $5 beach band. His tone is what youngsters would describe to be having a "attitude problem" He didn't seem too enthusiastic about serving me.

I believe it is in our government's interest to boost tourism in S'pore, thus the 2 integreted resorts and the formulation of the Tourism 2015 vision. It is people like him who will undermine all our efforts. Indeed our nation's service standards have a long way to go.

I have had similar experiences at this cafe at Sunset Bay since I first visited this beach 3 years ago. The 2 male staff were not very polite in attending to us and behaved as thought Sentosa belonged to his forefathers.

I do not need to know what actions are taken after your Guest Services Officer read my letter. However, I would appreciate to know that my letter has been acknowledged.

The sales staff of our service industry are really fuckedup... Don't know the product they are selling.... No interest... etc, just to name a few BAD points about them....

It's alright that you do not know everything. I don't expect you to knwo everything, but for goodness's sake, don't attempt to lie blindly at the customer...

For example, Alex and I already know that the 4Gig memory stick is already official. So much so that the price of 1Gig and 2 Gig memory sticks have plummeted. However, a sales staff at even SONY GALLERY can tell Alex that there is no such thing as a 4Gig MS from SONY...

Haizzz... kanna lan

i was here @
4:02 PM.

Monday, March 06, 2006

[[Swimming..]]

Took some pics last Friday at Jurong Camp swimming pool..

The king on his throne... thee shall swim behind me, never before....

The Lock Ness monster coming out to play with little children...

The Whale.... 我们不是冠军，我们是飞鱼

This is a promotional shot for the swim team.... Team Captain is splashing water onto me to my left...

Had time trials on Friday too... Freestyle 50m is 28.5s. After my 2 weeks absence from swimming due to my ICCT, I managed to improve my timing instead of deprove... Guess my self-imposed gyming sessions with Team Towkay is paying off...

My best ever timing for freestyle is 27.9s and butterfly is 34.5s. I have never beaten my own timing ever since... Maybe it's because I begin to question as to why I swim so much.... I have said before, to others, swimming may seem like my passion.. I thought so too.. However, as I grew to discover more about myself, I realise I swam so much, because I could do well in it...Well, at least at my own level...

This 20 odd years, swimming is one of the few things that I can feel contented, satisfied doing without winning. I can feel that I put in my best... This sense of fulfillment, I can't get anywhere else...

Hmmm.... now I challenge my ownslef as to why I swim so much... Perhaps, I have reached my peak... Until, I can answer why I am still swimming... My timing cannot improve.

i was here @
10:43 AM.

[[Unfilial son]]

Mama made Barley drink.. but she didnt tell me.. juzt saw it... Feeling a little full... but i must drink at least a little... she made an effort to make the drink for me...

Still, i'm nt learning to talk to her properly yet...

Haizz

i was here @
4:23 AM.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

[[The Other Story]]

Can't find the pics from Gundam SEED anymore... this scene had been playing back in my head some days back..

Millia: Kira always trys his best.

Frey: You(Kira) only try to fight because you are a coordinator too

In that Episode, Kira failed to ensure the safety of Frey's father as he promised. Well, that was what Frey said, despite Millia, their friend, trying to defend Kira.. But Kira really tried his best!

Why is it people choose not to believe that we do try our very best at times, or maybe all the time? Must it be that we only give our best when we know we will get something back in return? Can't it be that the things we do are really out of the heart.. Damn, these people are ignorant... probably they have yet to experience such things themselves...

Well, this is what I think...

i was here @
11:32 PM.

[[Flashback]]

Pa scolded Elwyn.. say he never do things properly etc.. My bro has always been like that... fuck care... I am too, selectively, I guess... I suddenly had a flashback..

Pa is very meticulous and takes note of even the finest details... It brought us much problems and misery when we were younger... I never knew why... I thought I would never understand him... Until that time in ASLC...

There was this Training Exercise, where we sat for a ride in a Chinook... Before the commencement of the mission. We were briefed and dried-run the heli-ride. During this short time when the air force pilots and mechanics, I observed something..

Their attention to minute details. Nothing may be compromised.. No details are to be spared... Everything is tuned to perfection... I reasoned with myself why this is so.. Unlike Ground, sea-bourned troops or equipment.. Airplanes are far more expensive and sophisticated.. And transport planes carry large number of troops or equipment... An aircraft will crash and its passengers and cargo will be destroyed in an event of a mulfunction. Unlike a land or sea based vehicle which can remain stationary on land or water, a damaged plane will summit to gravity. Should the plane crash into residential areas, the casuality rate would be even higher...

That is the reason why they are so particular about leaving no room for mistakes... It suddenly dawned upon me the reason behind my father's upbringing... He was an airforce mechanic before he went to ITE... I finally understood his actions... I didn't had a chance to tell him...

Until some time back, when he brought up some family issues.... I told him that thought unorthodox, his teachings weren't wrong and that I understood why he emphasized on carelessness... His attitude changed towards me for some time...

Guess it really meant something to tell someone that you understand him when he is all alone.. When what he does is different... I long for someone to tell me that what I am doing is correct, or at least not wrong.... After so long, it's time to know...

i was here @
10:56 PM.