Sunday, February 05, 2006
[[Loss]]
Bought this bag together with Jinjin and Alex.. Also don't know why I got this bag.. looks like a ger's beach bag...Think we are all mad...
Helped my ma exercise her arm yesterday... Like what she always says.. She looks ok outside, but her body is rotten.. She has to be induced with pain killers through a pipe in her neck... How did I be so blind to miss out all these... During this 2 years in the army, I missed out on so much... Don't know why I can't speak properly to my ma also.. Fuck
Last time, I loved my ma very much one, when I was a little boy... I remembered I had to hold her hand every night before I could go to sleep... I remembered there was once, my pa brought my brother and I to a circus at Marina South then we went to Toys R us to look at toys. We had dinner outside. When we got home, I saw my ma limping down the stairs... She said, why we never come home to eat never say. She fried an omelette for me. I liked to eat that when I was young.. Somehow, i wanted to cry because she sprained her leg that day..
When I was young... Also don't know why, sometimes I would think about my ma and stuff and cry in my bed... Then this is one of the incidents that I always recall... As I grew older, I became less cute le.. Now I look at my ma, like so different.... Or maybe it was I who changed... These are some of the things I want to protect.. I don't know why I like always so rude to her... For no FUCKING reason... sometimes when mama come and stand beside me when I'm doing something to see what I'm doing and rub my back, I like it. Yet I don't really talk to her though I feel that she wanted to talk to me.. I also don't know what to say to ma...
There are things at home I want to protect too... But I don't know how to show it... I like my family though it's nothing much... That's why I was fucking angry when "mummy" said I am the kind of guy that will abandon my family for work.
I missed out on so much.. when it comes to my home... I dedicated 2 years to the army, unwillingly. During this time, I lost so much... My family, Joanna, and now, seemingly, my friendship with Janice...something which I treasured very much. Things come and go.. Most went without a reason... I just don't like it when I don't know why things happened and not know why it happen.
I hate it when people come to me when they need something but when I turn to them, they play bastards... I hate people who stand by and do nothing.. When you see something is wrong, don't turn your back on it... Even if you don't think that you can effect a change, just try.. Don't just stand by and watch... Your retribution will come when everyone turns their back on you when you fall...
Am I too troublesome to listen to anymore? Is it time for me to be cast aside.. Why is it that people forget? Must it really be the case that calamity strikes, will then people remember? Now I know how sad Shinn must have felt when Stellar forgot about him... She thought that he was her enemy... However, he was the only one that really cared for her and wanted to protect her till the very end. It's just that he didn't knew how to.. And he was a few steps too short... That's why their happy times where shortlived... Maybe like 2 years plus...
Stellar gave Shinn his purpose, and meaning in live... She was everything he lived for... He went against everything to protect her... Even when she forgot about him...
i was here @
11:12 PM.