Tuesday, February 28, 2006
[[How the Greatest Story ended..]]
Shinn...
You came to see me?
Shin... said you would... protect Stellar..
Shinn.. I like you....
"I'm scared of this place... Protect me...""
You said you would protect Stellar..."
It's alright now Stellar... There's nothing to be afraid anymore
Nothing will hurt you anymore...Nothing will come to scare you anymore...
Nobody will come and scare you anymore...
I promised to protect her...
I'm so sorry...
i was here @
1:18 AM.
Monday, February 27, 2006
[[My 2 faces]]
I was browsing through some photos I had in my com... Stumbled upon these 2 which startled me... My life is really depicted in the story of Gundam SEED and Destiny...
Kira(My gentle side) ~ To protect the ones he love, he will fight.{Text: 4 leaf clover}
Shinn(My dark side) ~ To protect the one he loves, he will kill.{Text: A present for you}
i was here @
11:06 PM.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
[[The car is my Gundam]]
Had a funny.. but terrible nightmare last night...
I dreamt that I met some guys who wanted to give me some homebrew programs for my PSP. Then, before I knew it, they were aactually agents from SONY, and upgraded my PSP to ver. 2.6!!!!!!!!!!! And they laughed!! Shit...no more free games!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fortunately, that was only a dream... What sia... what kind of a dream is that?
Last night as I was starting off in the car... I had this feeling... Somehow, I felt that the car was taking me where I wanted to go... It is my sword... Somehow, I felt as if the car was my Gundam. Like what Freedom(Gundam) was to Kira, it took him to where he wanted to go. Kira had the desires to fulfill... Yet he couldn't do it without his 'sword'. His gundam gave him the power to do so.
Last night, I had to transit between 2 Bday parties.... without the car, I wouldn't have done it....
What is this feeling?
i was here @
10:59 AM.
[[Q & A session]]
1. Imagine you are a boyfriend. Your gf is having her Bday party... After the party has ended, do you
a. Walk around and ask if there's anything to help to clear up, or
b. Go upstairs and stay in the room by yourself.
2. Let's say you like this person. This person likes his gf/bf to be a certain way, which you are not. Would you change to become that way for him/her?
If you do change, do you see it that you are going against your own self to change for someone else. Or do you find joy in changing for him/her and making your special one happy?
These are some questions that popped up in my hed recently...
As for my driving trip today... It was fairly good, except for that dent on the rigth side. What sia??? When I was driving fast, I was ok... Yet when I am just turning out of a carpark, (PS: how fast can I move form stationary position?) I kissed the kerb... What sia?? That lane was damn bloody narrow la... Haizz
i was here @
3:03 AM.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
[[Driving again]]
Think finally managed to get my Pa to let me drive on my own.....
Next problem... Ma kao-pei-ing... She say what Zhihan got license earlier than me, but that time still nearly lang ga a bus stop.. I still not stable... etc etc etc.. I deliberately printed out the blog entry [[Parents]] (13 Feb) and left it on my table... they can go and read it...
I aske her, then when the jibye will I be ready? Can't answer.
What does she consider stable? Can't answer.
She say anything go wrong, Pa will go after her... For that I am sorry.
But, From what I experience and believe, I won't learn anything from not doing anything. Where learning is concerned, I believe I must fall before I can learn anything. I am not saying I want to get into an accident before knowing how to handle a car. But, without even driving much, or at all, be it alone or not, I will never be "steady".
Don't fucking tell me what about those who don't have cars.. That one is their problem....
When I say I need to fall to learn, I am not reading out of a school moral education textbook. All my views of life and way of thinking are nurtured through my own experiences and observations....
During my time in 2SIR, I fell many times. Some of which inevitable, and others deliberate. Sometimes, I made myself stumble intentionally just to learn from my own mistakes.... That should be the way...
And that is the way I want to bring up my kid next time...
i was here @
2:48 PM.
[[Death]]
Watched Final Destination 3... dying is horrible..
Not that I am not afraid of dying... But before I go, I wish to do what I want to do first...
All these things that I am doing.... What is it for? Are these things my purpose? Or am I trying to finish what I started... I don't really know... Why am I doing all this? For who? For what? To give myself a sense of purpose?
These few days, talk with you like ok, right? How come? Why is that when we are together, we can't be like that? Tonight, you behave like you don't know me... Want to send you home, you say weird, never mind. In the end, JJ sent you home, you also say weird. What is it that you want? Also dunno why I boarded the other train. Maybe I was running away from the awkwardness too. Or maybe, I was running away from the fear of doing something wrong again.... But if the others were'nt there, I would have boarded with you....
Who are you? Lunamaria? Frey? Lacus?
i was here @
4:08 AM.
Friday, February 24, 2006
[[This is a nice song.]]
I will not make the same mistakes that you didI will not let myself cause my heart so much miseryI will not break the way you didYou fell so hardI've learned the hard way, to never let it get that farBecause of youI never stray too far from the sidewalkBecause of youI learned to play on the safe sideSo I don't get hurtBecause of youI find it hard to trustNot only me, but everyone around meBecause of youI am afraidI lose my wayAnd it's not too long before you point it outI cannot cryBecause I know that's weakness in your eyesI'm forced to fake, a smile, a laughEvery day of my lifeMy heart can't possibly breakWhen it wasn't even whole to start withBecause of youI never stray too far from the sidewalkBecause of youI learned to play on the safe sideSo I don't get hurtBecause of youI find it hard to trustNot only me, but everyone around meBecause of youI am afraidI watched you dieI heard you cryEvery night in your sleepI was so youngYou should have known better than to lean on meYou never thought of anyone elseYou just saw your painAnd now I cryIn the middle of the nightFor the same damn thingBecause of youI never stray too far from the sidewalkBecause of youI learned to play on the safe sideSo I don't get hurtBecause of youI tried my hardest just to forget everythingBecause of youI don't know how to let anyone else inBecause of youI'm ashamed of my life because it's emptyBecause of youI am afraidBecause of youBecause of you
i was here @
1:17 AM.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
[[Once again, I say...]]
I still remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T FORGET SHINN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was here @
1:24 AM.
[[My past]]
I was pouring throught the rubbish under my bed to look for my 1st yr's Bday card... using it as guide for guestbook...
In the process, I saw my photos when I was younger...
I also saw my pa's Grad photos. He studied part time Uni when I was in Pri/Sec school. Then the time came for his Grad ceremony. He did not ask me to go.. Anyway I told my ma that my school wouldn't allow me to go anyway... I think it's also because, I never really felt like going..
Now looking back, I feel, what I did was wrong. Somehow I felt that it would have meant something to Pa if I went... Think he would have wanted me to be there... He upgraded himself for the livelihood of the family what, isn't it correct?
Finally found the Bday card... There was a list of all the gifts that the visitors and guests gave me... Toys, etc and the amount spent... One thing had no amount.
It belonged to "Mum & Dad". The gift was "Birthday party". They gave me much more than that these 20 years.
As the time pass me by, I discover more things along the way. Like the Grad ceremony thing... I still don't know how to treat my family like I think I should. At most, I come home to mop floor everyday. So that someone else doesn't need to... Then, maybe the most filial thing I did for my Ma, was to buy Prickly Heat powder for her after she had her Op and couldn't bathe and my aunt forgot to buy for her.... I still don't know how to talk to Ma properly...
Chao jibye..... I see that something is wrong and that this shouldn't be the way, but I really don't know what to do...
I wish Heavan would be so kind as to bestow upon me, someone who can cry with me... watch me cry... listen to me... Like what Lacus was to Kira. Like......
I look back and see many wrongs. Many things that shouldn't have missed my eye, and yet have... Is there a way to right my wrongs...
.....
i was here @
12:59 AM.
[[私は常に保護する]]
hmmm...
what's there to blog? boring week...
Close combat training everyday... playing punk everyday too... go camp late.. then sneak off at 4...
When will I get into trouble?
Sianzzz... think I'll be going EEE in NTU.... if I can get a place...
Boring.. WHat's there to blog...
ANYONE WANTS TO GO SENTOSA NEXT TUES???Sianzzz....
This pic holds the key to my heart.... what the hell am I saying???
Shinn... lend me your Destiny Gundam.. I wanna go and destroy some things...
i was here @
12:11 AM.
Friday, February 17, 2006
[[The Greatest Story Never Told]]
Don't worry..No matter what...I'll always protect you
Shinn: I won't let anything happen to you..
Stellar: I lost everything.
Shinn: Don't worry. I'm still here. I will take care of you.
However,
Shinn: I can't believe that you can't remember anything.Shinn: How could you have forgotten... I told you I would be there for you.
Shinn: I'm sorry... Maybe I didn't protect you enough.
Stellar: Shinn...
Stellar: You came to see me?
Shinn: Yes. I never left... I had always been here.Shinn: Do you still remember me?Stellar: Yes I do...Shinn: I don't ask for anything in return. As long as you remember me...Gundam SEED Destiny...
Pa told me ITE selling the teacher's used laptops at $150. First time since don't know when he last spke to me. Asked if I wanted. Why not sia? $150 leh... Now I can be Fumihiro... "What setting you want?""Guilty setting""Yozz"Don't know can get a not, since it's meant for the students.
i was here @
1:37 AM.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
[[Back at the Lion's Den]]
What ya looking at?
Went back to camp this morning to clear my SOC... My SOB is still at Ex Buckspeed settings with cable tie and stuff. Have'nt touched it in ages... I managed to pass.. I have my pride as a 3Div swimmer to uphold!
Ya right.... My friend at the finishing line clicked the stop watch before I reached.. Haiya, but I was close to the timing la...
I would miss my cupboard..
The one and only
Behind every crazy Sgt, there are many women in his cupboard
Int Sgt said I messed up his maps... Haizz.. Didn't get it right... I was only one man back then.. No experience also.. Would have done better now... I just don't like it... I must get at least something right...
That's how I feel. Society can't accept something which serves no purpose...
Watching SEED Destiny again... those who have'nt should give it a try... Kira and the archangel inspire me... They know their goal. They know what they should be fighting for. Even though they do not yet have a course of action as to how to achieve it, they never give up.
Hope and believing in yourself gives me my meaning in life... That's why I'm in constant search of my purpose...
Sometimes when I'm not doing anything, it's because I'm thinking...
.........
i was here @
2:04 AM.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
[[Team Cross Stitch]]
Men at workWhat sia???
The founding members are gathered here today for a special reason. One like no other... To do cross-stitch!?!?! Haha.. And where else could they have gathered, but PSP HQ of course... To learn from the
Sensei himself, Sgt Cross-Stitch. (PS: not to be mistaken with Sgt Cross from NFSU Most Wanted)..
To reward his loyal suboordinates, Sgt Cook cooked an exotic dish of Fresh Toast... Hahaha
Team French Toast
Fit for a king
My speciality..Scrambled eggs
i was here @
1:10 AM.
Monday, February 13, 2006
[[Parents]]
Don't know when then I can drive on my own... Also sick of asking to drive alone. Any car contests now??
Pa always says that I'm not steady/stable enough yet when driving..
What is considered steady? Does it include balancing a cup of water on the dashboard? As far as I am concerned, Steady means accident free. I have been able to swerve away from vehicles that have been trying to play bastard with me. That's good enough for me. Why? Cannot get into his head that people will guai lan with P-plate drivers ah? It's not my fault that I sometimes swerve sharply. It's because I have to avoid fuckers who dont give way to me even when I have the right of way... Contary to Pa's beliefs that I am unstable, rather, I am skilled to avoid them. Jibye.
They keep telling me that I do not have enought driving experience. How to gain experience when Pa seldom goes out?? Ma even made this ridiculous comment that I got my license under 20 lessons, too little. Not enough experience.. Chao jibye. I paid for my own lessons.. Don't tell me that it's not enough. If you think that I need more lessons, then pay for lim pei's lessons. People would compare how little they spent, not this la... Goddammit...
When asked why I couldnt drive yet when I paid for my own license, Ma replied that just in case, take precautions... Fuck me. You wanna take precautions till when?
I was fucking mad. Not entirely because I couldn't drive, but because Since young, these 2 elders of mine have been clipping my wings.. This one cannot, scared this happen, that happen. They don't entirely restrict me, but their strict upbringing made me fearful of trying new things. Pa always scolded me for not knowing things, ignorant of things, don't know how to make decisions, etc. But it is they who caused all that. Most of my pears are more street-wise than me. I'm like a blur-fuck out out in the open society. I voiced this out when I hit my teens, but my Ma turned ignored it.. This resulted.
They are good parents no doubt. But I was their first teenage kid, and the oldest on both sides of the family, that's why I understand that they have no experience with teenagers. But What I'm not happy is that my advice was not taken heed when I saw things in a clearer light.
Like there was a time when I wanted to try parrallel parking, then my Pa said no. He say that lot too small, even he also got problem parking. Then how the jibye am I suppose to gain any fucking experience?!?!? They didn't let me try. How am I supposed to learn?
Back in SISPEC, I used to siam all the combat training. As a result, my combat knowledge was like fuck.. I felt ashamed of myself as a Combat Specialists. Therefore, as much as I wanted to be a Sect Comd, I fought to be in the Int Branch. During my Intelligence Spec course, I delibrately took up as many appointments as I could. To learn more. I didn't care if I made hell lot of mistakes. I couldn't feel the pressure.. Maybe It's because of my determination to be an Int Spec. In the end, because I made myself go throught everything, I was able to learn much more than if I were to take a backseat.
I must remember this when I am a parent in future... I don't wanna a weakling for a kid. Guess tough times made me want to bring up my kid the tougher way like my Pa chose, but I'll learn from my Pa's mistakes...
A Bunta-Takumi relationship would be good. But I can't expect my kid to discover everything by himself. I'll still have to guide him, but I let him run free.. That's what parents are for... to guide you. When will my folks realise that
i was here @
8:33 PM.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
[[I want War]]
Sianzz.. yet another day has passed... Why hasn't a war began? Feel like talking....
It's not that I can't forget or what.. It may sound crude, but each time you make me feel that I fail time and time again... I look back more... And pity myself...
My brother was watching Pearl Harbour this morning when I woke up.. I sat through the rest of the show.. Nowadays I feel a strong surge of emotions whenever I see such shows... Previously, It was "We were soldiers."
When I saw how the Americans fought back, and didn't back out in the face of adversity.. I felt insignificant... How will I fare in times like this. I can say a thousand and one things about standing steadfast, but only time will prove me right or wrong.
A friend of mine watched SEED and commented that she understood why I used to always say that I'm like Kira... I'm grateful for that, thank you. It's not often, I'm understood,no matter how little.
Actually, I'm not that that difficult to comprehend... I don't know why I never hit it off with you. Maybe it's our stubborn personalities.
What lies ahead? I'm waiting for disaster to strike... Since our locals are so complacent... They need to be shaken.. Fuck all the ah bengs, stupid civilians and whomever who takes our troubled peace for granted... The army experience showed me much. However, It's more than enough.
I was taken away from my family and more... I respect Kira. I want to be like him. To be needed... He is selfless... He is beyond me... There are 2 sides of me. A black and a white. A Kira and a Shinn lives within me... As in SEED, Kira and Shinn are opposites. Shinn is an dark Kira...
I want to protect like Kira. Shinn wanted to protect to, but he chose violence as his sword.. Sometimes I choose the soft approach, yet at times, I itch for a fight.
The one thing I didn't say, was because I wanted to preserve our friendship. In the end, what I wanted to protect was still lost.. I don't ask for much... Just for things to be as they were... and to kno, at the very least, how it became like this...
There is still much to be discovered....
I'm still waiting for a calamity..
i was here @
11:58 PM.
[[When the mad gets bored]]
My course last week ended early on some days.. Went JP for my usual no-life gaming sessions.. As usual, the same guys are there playing like no bodies' business... Kan na.. it's as though they have no life. They play for a few hours straight.. Don't they have families?
I was on quite a short fuse these days... The long wait for my turn only served to fan the raging flames in my heart... The spark ignited when some asshole friend of the asshole playing cut my queue. I was madder when the asshole playing deliberately let his asshole friend cut in while stealing glances in my direction...
My fuse blew...
Sgt Psycho: You all play don't need to queue ah
Asshole: Oh, he just wants to renew his card.
Sgt Psycho: Then I no need to play la?
Asshole: No la, he just renew only...
Sgt Psycho: Renew, no need to queue ah? Then I wait here for what?
Asshole: Err.. Cos I tired then let him just renew while I rest.
Sgt Psycho: Tired then I play first la.. Cannot ah
Asshole friend who is now playing u-turned his game car and left with his another asshole friend. Was I that scary?
The moment the first word came out of my mouth, I was already regretting my actions... Analysing the situation, I realised there were 5 of them and only one of me.. What the fuck was I thinking. And if it wasn't enough, I was in uniform.. Fuck sia, the implications that would ensue...
However, something in me was just spoiling for a fight. I wasn't trying to prove anything. I just couldn't take it lying down.. Most people don't give soldiers the due respect they deserve. I'm not talking about those whose balls seemingly detach from their bodies during some point in their growth, and bluffed their way out of the army shit. They don't require much dignity. I was jsut itching. Waiting for them to draw first blood.. Fuck the uniform I am in. If any MP is going to arrest me, I'll just argue how can it be that I started the fight when the ratio isn't in my favour. Fuck it... I'm ready to party.. And how absurd it might be that all I was worried about was my PSP getting damaged in the process...
Fortunately for me, there wasn't a fight. Maybe they were scared of me. Nah.. It's not that I'm proud of this or what.. Just.. sian...
i was here @
6:57 PM.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
[[Loss]]
Bought this bag together with Jinjin and Alex.. Also don't know why I got this bag.. looks like a ger's beach bag...Think we are all mad...
Helped my ma exercise her arm yesterday... Like what she always says.. She looks ok outside, but her body is rotten.. She has to be induced with pain killers through a pipe in her neck... How did I be so blind to miss out all these... During this 2 years in the army, I missed out on so much... Don't know why I can't speak properly to my ma also.. Fuck
Last time, I loved my ma very much one, when I was a little boy... I remembered I had to hold her hand every night before I could go to sleep... I remembered there was once, my pa brought my brother and I to a circus at Marina South then we went to Toys R us to look at toys. We had dinner outside. When we got home, I saw my ma limping down the stairs... She said, why we never come home to eat never say. She fried an omelette for me. I liked to eat that when I was young.. Somehow, i wanted to cry because she sprained her leg that day..
When I was young... Also don't know why, sometimes I would think about my ma and stuff and cry in my bed... Then this is one of the incidents that I always recall... As I grew older, I became less cute le.. Now I look at my ma, like so different.... Or maybe it was I who changed... These are some of the things I want to protect.. I don't know why I like always so rude to her... For no FUCKING reason... sometimes when mama come and stand beside me when I'm doing something to see what I'm doing and rub my back, I like it. Yet I don't really talk to her though I feel that she wanted to talk to me.. I also don't know what to say to ma...
There are things at home I want to protect too... But I don't know how to show it... I like my family though it's nothing much... That's why I was fucking angry when "mummy" said I am the kind of guy that will abandon my family for work.
I missed out on so much.. when it comes to my home... I dedicated 2 years to the army, unwillingly. During this time, I lost so much... My family, Joanna, and now, seemingly, my friendship with Janice...something which I treasured very much. Things come and go.. Most went without a reason... I just don't like it when I don't know why things happened and not know why it happen.
I hate it when people come to me when they need something but when I turn to them, they play bastards... I hate people who stand by and do nothing.. When you see something is wrong, don't turn your back on it... Even if you don't think that you can effect a change, just try.. Don't just stand by and watch... Your retribution will come when everyone turns their back on you when you fall...
Am I too troublesome to listen to anymore? Is it time for me to be cast aside.. Why is it that people forget? Must it really be the case that calamity strikes, will then people remember? Now I know how sad Shinn must have felt when Stellar forgot about him... She thought that he was her enemy... However, he was the only one that really cared for her and wanted to protect her till the very end. It's just that he didn't knew how to.. And he was a few steps too short... That's why their happy times where shortlived... Maybe like 2 years plus...
Stellar gave Shinn his purpose, and meaning in live... She was everything he lived for... He went against everything to protect her... Even when she forgot about him...
i was here @
11:12 PM.
[[Sgt PSP]]
My failed attempt in making a Handphone pouch for myself..it's too small so I stopped half way... I'm going to make another one.
The opening's not done.
I'm half man, half seamtress
The words are too long and upside-down.
I have never been more afraid to do something that I want.. something that I feel I ought to do. I can understand how Athrun feels... It breaks him to see Obu crumble but.. he is helpless.. he doesn't know what to do... In his desperation, he chose the wrong path...
I wished something would happen... something really bad... Only tough times would bring out the true human emotions... Only then will everyone be unblind...
Emotions and power alone are not enough...
I'm still scared... I lack this one thing.. Something which took me where I wanted to go.. I no longer possess it..
i was here @
8:49 PM.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
[[Stellar is crying]]
Something happened to you.
But I don't know what...
You never say things like this before...
It hurts to see you like this...
Why won't you let me help you?
I told you I'll always protect you, remember?
Don't shut me out...
Even if we didn't do anything to sucessfully solve each other's problems, we would still just listen to each other right?
I'm not like the rest...
I won't forget...
What happened?
Why won't you tell me?
It is so fustrating...
I feel so helpless...
I want to do something...
Yet I can't...
Power and emotions alone is not enough.
You gave me my purpose. You make me want to live each day more just so that I can make sure everything's alright for you... I want to protect you.. Please let me...Everything happens for a reason...Why is it everytime, things happen, yet I don't know why and how it happened...
i was here @
10:43 PM.