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Monday, January 23, 2006
[[Getting it all wrong]]


Was watching "We were soldiers" yesterday... Towards the end.. seeing how the American soldiers fought gallantly, and how some came back to fight with the rest without hesitation, somehow brought tears to my eyes..

I can't explain this buildup of emotions... I see their determination.. The will.. The desire to fight for what they believe in... I was touched.. I wondered how our own soldiers would fare in a war..

Somehow I can understand what they are fighting for.. These 2 years in the army, made me think about alot of things.. I have this desire to protect things that I care for.. However, somethings, I still have no idea what to do..

I thought I got it right...but there's always something that will go wrong.... I thought I amde mummy happy.. but of all the times I thought so, none of which went smoothly..there's always something that is wrong... Sometimes, it's not that I don't want to do anything liao..but I don't want to keep failing.... What they say is true.. Things that I know, I will do my very best, and see it to the very end.. yet things I don't know know.. I won't touch... I know she wanted to go on a cruise, which is way beyond me.. I though of bringing her to sit on the bum boat at Spore River on her Bday.. that's the closest I can get.. Think this idea would still be commented negatively.. That someone else would have done more, or just something la.. I used to get it right...

Yet, I have pick up another thing this 2 years.. Not to give up.. When I am not doing anything.. I'm thking...waiting for the answer..

Yesterday..left my phone in the car and went back to my house's carpark to take it.. Pa remarked sternly me for it.. Why is it, that I can't seem to get it right.. I miss the days.. when I got it nearly all right.. When I was told, I was all that was needed.. the feeling of being needed.. the Knowledge that what I am doing is right..

For so many years I am swimming... People may think that I like swimming alot.. Not really..the only reason I swim up to this day is because all my life, of all the things I do.. Swimming is the only thing That I know is not wrong.. And that I am doing my best when I am swimming.. even thought I don't get gold... I have this intense feeling that I am satified with my best performance.. I have never got this kind of satisfaction with anything else... And I know for sure.. When I am swimming, no one tells me I am doing something wrong.. I know my stroking is wrong.. yet I can still swim fast.. That is why I still swim today...

I'm still waiting for my purpose... the thing to give me my meaning... I used to have it... Whenever I had problems, I could turn to you... Whenever you needed anything, I would give you.. You would look so appreciative.. It just made me want to give more.

Now I am left alone.. People know.. Yet no one bothers.. No one helps me.. This is sad

i was here @
11:46 AM.

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