Friday, January 27, 2006
[[FUCK]]
I told my pa that I wanted to go back camp to pack my stuff.... He asked me to go back myself
PUA JIBYEThen for fuck I go and get my license.. I want to bring things back for my course... And the jibye camp is so far from the main road... I'm the only idiot who has the ability to drive for my own convinence yet... it amounts to nothingJibye... FUCK care.. field pack haven't pack... FUCK ITNabei jibye.... I do so much for what fuck? In the end, Best Commander was awarded to someone who reported sick on Exercise and left me to take charge of the whole damn fucking branch by myself... I can stand with my head held high.. I saw my branch through the Exercise.Want to charge me, fucking charge la.... I lost so much these 2 years I have got nothing more to lose.... Fucking shit... I still remember that jibye poster at the Ferry terminal... It's not what you lose, but what you gain in returnWhat did I fucking gain?I gained nothing! Jibye SAF..Goddamn this family... No one cares or appreciates what I do
Only two ever made me feel this way...
One was already lost...
The other... slowly fading away....
This friendship seems to be heading for the rocks.... I don't know what happened...
I always want to set things right... But things never work out for me... And the worst thing is that no ones bothers...
Don't forget about me.... The whole world can leave me to die.... but not you...
i was here @
7:22 PM.
[[Praying for a calamity]]
For fuck I spent $1000+ of my own money to get a fucking bloody license when I'm not allowed to drive on my own....
Have to wait for pa to go back camp... I may be activated.. that's why I want to go back and prep my stuff... A car is supposed to provide convinience no create inconvinience..
Chao Jibye
For fuck, tell me that other people get license thought they dont have cars...
Want me to compare those people who can drive on their own...
Since young , always fucking clip my wings... Most of my peers are more streetwise than me.. I am learning everything myself...
Parallel parking don't let me try.. Say too difficult... Then how the fuck am I supposed to learn?
Jibye... Always left alone to fend for myself... People do see this, yet they don't do anything... All so fucked up.
And I am the ONLY idiot who will stand up to what is wrong..
I am not trying too be righteous
GODDAMNIT
Sometimes shit happens.. If you can accept it.. jus fucking get on with your life and swallow it...
But I can't..
Because I was subjected to utter despair and left to die so many times.. I know how it feels. I know it's wrong to walk away.. People are living too good a lives... Something must happen for them to wake up..
i was here @
5:12 PM.
[[Swimmer Blues]]
I'm swimming till my skin's peeling off, my back's burnt, my toes and fingers wrinkled... But I'm still swimming...
On top of that, I'm starting to become a crazy gamer.. It all started with my team PSP.... Then the 55c Maximum Tune 2 at Jurong Point.. Now Compass Point also has Max Tune 2 at $1.50... I'm dead..
Well...that's all a loner can churn out....
Hven decided on my Uni course... Haizz...
And I'm still waiting for my purpose... There has got to be something that I must do..
i was here @
3:08 PM.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
[[Lonely]]
Think I'm not going for swimming tomorrow and Friday.. Bukit Gombak there.. don't know how to go... But can't find anyone to pei me..
i was here @
12:34 AM.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
[[Team PSP.. I am siao]]
Yesterday marked the birth of Team PSP... Jinjin and Alex's pay will only come next week... But me, being the crazy shit, who can't wait to play WiFi, offered to pay for the PSPs first... What sia.. Am I crazy..
Damn tired from swimming.. And very blackened!! In fact the blackest in the team..what sia..
i was here @
12:36 AM.
Monday, January 23, 2006
[[Getting it all wrong]]
Was watching "We were soldiers" yesterday... Towards the end.. seeing how the American soldiers fought gallantly, and how some came back to fight with the rest without hesitation, somehow brought tears to my eyes..
I can't explain this buildup of emotions... I see their determination.. The will.. The desire to fight for what they believe in... I was touched.. I wondered how our own soldiers would fare in a war..
Somehow I can understand what they are fighting for.. These 2 years in the army, made me think about alot of things.. I have this desire to protect things that I care for.. However, somethings, I still have no idea what to do..
I thought I got it right...but there's always something that will go wrong.... I thought I amde mummy happy.. but of all the times I thought so, none of which went smoothly..there's always something that is wrong... Sometimes, it's not that I don't want to do anything liao..but I don't want to keep failing.... What they say is true.. Things that I know, I will do my very best, and see it to the very end.. yet things I don't know know.. I won't touch... I know she wanted to go on a cruise, which is way beyond me.. I though of bringing her to sit on the bum boat at Spore River on her Bday.. that's the closest I can get.. Think this idea would still be commented negatively.. That someone else would have done more, or just something la.. I used to get it right...
Yet, I have pick up another thing this 2 years.. Not to give up.. When I am not doing anything.. I'm thking...waiting for the answer..
Yesterday..left my phone in the car and went back to my house's carpark to take it.. Pa remarked sternly me for it.. Why is it, that I can't seem to get it right.. I miss the days.. when I got it nearly all right.. When I was told, I was all that was needed.. the feeling of being needed.. the Knowledge that what I am doing is right..
For so many years I am swimming... People may think that I like swimming alot.. Not really..the only reason I swim up to this day is because all my life, of all the things I do.. Swimming is the only thing That I know is not wrong.. And that I am doing my best when I am swimming.. even thought I don't get gold... I have this intense feeling that I am satified with my best performance.. I have never got this kind of satisfaction with anything else... And I know for sure.. When I am swimming, no one tells me I am doing something wrong.. I know my stroking is wrong.. yet I can still swim fast.. That is why I still swim today...
I'm still waiting for my purpose... the thing to give me my meaning... I used to have it... Whenever I had problems, I could turn to you... Whenever you needed anything, I would give you.. You would look so appreciative.. It just made me want to give more.
Now I am left alone.. People know.. Yet no one bothers.. No one helps me.. This is sad
i was here @
11:46 AM.
Friday, January 20, 2006
[[Disappointed]]
I don't know why I just can't seem to get things right with mummy... Everytime I thought I had finally got it right, there is always something wrong..
Am I such a failure.. I used to get things right.
Gone are the days... when I had my purpose... Felt all that I did was worth it..
The appericiation.. the joy felt of receiving.. The desire to give..
I'm not the kind who forgets... My experiences in life made me this way... I will stand firm.. Yet, there is nothing for me to protect now... All that I sought to protect has discipated... I don't give up.. I still bear hope...
If you see something is wrong, and you may have the power to make a difference, can you simply stand by and watch?
Left to fade away...
i was here @
2:31 AM.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
[[Forgetful People]]
So much uproar over the bloody pianist who siam army and the Ex Northstar 5..
Life has been too good for Singapore... The people are taking for granted the troubled peace.
The people forgot about their roots and all that was toiled to make our nation what it is today... Their lives have become too pleasant.. It's not that I am encouraging a disaster to befall us. However, I hope in a way that the people will wake up... I'm not an extremist.. I'm just a Singaporean.. It's not like in SEED Destiny, where the military idealist attempted to crash a meteor onto Earth in order to wake the blur fucks on Earth up. Not to that extend, but something must still be done.
The news team interviewed a few people. Most of which gave ridiculous comments.
"Next time must inform us earlier the time and place."
Next time Osama decide on a target, lim pei will be the first to post on friendster bulletin."Why never give clearer directions to the free shuttle services"
When there is a car bomb, do you think you will even dare to board a vehicle? Fucking find your own way la jibye"In future exercises, the authorities should end it quicker so as to minimise any inconviniences caused."
If a bomb really were to go off... Make a simple estimation how many days of our life will be affected.Life is too good for these people.. Should let them have a one time good one... Let them wake up their stupid ideas.And to run away from army.. Ball-less shit... So fucking what you can play a fucking piano when you got balls of jelly... No pride.. Son of Singapore my fucking ass... This is our own home... I don't know how many man will run away when something happens... Can you live in another country, knowing that you ran away? How will the locals of that land look at you? You are just a fucking deserter who forsake his own country... Maybe, you may strike it big in your country of refuge and no one speaks up against you.. But you are still a fucker..People just forget... Like everyone else..
i was here @
12:15 AM.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
[[Wrong]]
Is it wrong to forget?
I think so... Friends and accquitants alike seem to disappear. Maybe they are too busy...
I may be wrong.. But they seem to be doing rather well in their lives. Better than when I last had contact with them. When I was still remembered by them...
Is it wrong to see something is wrong, and yet keep mum about it? I can't accept it. I have to speak up...
I want to do things always.. for people to be happy.. Yet the ones i care for forget about me..
But, there is also someone.. Whom I never seem to get it right... No matter what I do.. Things always go wrong...
i was here @
8:30 PM.
[[Shagged from swimming.]]
I'm swimming more than I run these days.. wornt out sia.. Transport a day is $5... Siao liao.. How to survive Uni man?
Rode Joe's bike out today.. Ball shrink sia.. feel like falling off the bike sia.. I will never get a bike
Eagerly waiting for the stupid pay of Alex n Jinjin to come, then I can set up my Team PSP.... Managed to successfully put in gams I downloaded and got them to work yesterday.. I'm worse than a pirate.. I pirate other pirated games.. Haha
Haizz.. still hven settled my Uni shit.. Feel like changing course.. Don't think Computer Engineering is my cup of tea... It's either Mech Eng, or EEE. You really do have to discover yourself along the way.. I feel I have a fascination for gadgets.. While people are talking about the features of a digicam, I would be reading on the CCD and CMOS of a digicam..
I think if I had the knowledge, I would crack my own PSP man...
Sian... Life's a bore..
i was here @
4:35 PM.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
[[End of my time]]
I didn't do that well in the swim meet.. Freestyle Bronze. Butterfly lost. Freestyle 4 x 50m team Silver..
I could have gotten a bronze for Butterfly
What ever I was good at before, are all slipping through my fingers... Everything that was my beaming pride and most treasured possessions, all fading away.
It doesn't really matter that much that I didn't win at the finals.. I know my time in the swimming pool is up.. I have done it before... My time is done..
But, all the time and feelings built up over the years are just disipating... I can't accept it...
We are not meant to be like this... Humans are not meant to forget.. I didn't forget.. I had always remembered... How could you have forgotten about me and give up on everything...
Now I try my best not to forget anything... I try to fill up all the notches I leave behind...
Don't give on our friendship...
--------------------
For one thing, I never seem to get it right... No matter what I do.. Either there is a misunderstanding or it just never goes as planned. Why? We always never fail to crash head on into each other. I always want to do something.. truely out of the heart.. but I always fail...
i was here @
1:40 AM.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
[[
]]
You know when I really get bored.... I start to do some really cranky stuff... Like taking stupid pics of my PSP...
Just skinned it... Didn't quite like this design at first because it wasn't my first choice... But the more I look at it now, the more I like it.. HAHAHA.. added some shit of my own too...
Give me a HooHAH soldier!!!
"Military"
Sgt Gundam sia.... The almighty Guard Commander who fell in love with Stand-ToSwimming Heats tomorrow... Have to wake up around 5 or 6.. die sia.. still don't sleep...
PS: Guys, Granddaughter.. do tag me.. i noe some of u still come here.. at least I don't feel alone
i was here @
1:07 AM.
Monday, January 09, 2006
[[]]
i-River launches its own version of the PSP
http://www.pspcrazy.com/?page=Story&id=247
PSP Media Player
http://www.pspcrazy.com/?page=Story&id=281Ver 2.5/2.6 nearly hacked?
http://www.pspcrazy.com/?page=Story&id=284
i was here @
9:41 PM.
[[lim pei's problem; The sequel]]
I just keep watching those animes over and over again..
People may think that I'm like a big kid.. But whenever I immerse myself in the stories each and every time I watch it.. Seeing how the characters fight for what they want..and get it. Maybe the scripts dictate that they will succeed, but their path to glory isn't that smooth sailing too.. However, I marvel at their determination.
What I am envious about them is the support they get. They never fail to have a purpose.. I have lost mine.. Nothing I do ever reaps anything in return... I can be done without.. My household needs my father, but I am dispensible... Even though I try to ease tensions between my pa and brother, and succeed, no one remembers what I did in the end... All they ask me to do is clean the house. That's my purpose ah?
People may not feel this way, but I feel that I really gave my best for my time in 2SIR. I came up with ways to aid the branch, do things and all. Yet, in the end, there's still someone who will replace me.. Not that they will die without me.. Like my household, they can still survive without me... Best commander may be nothing, but it still means something..
Gone are the times when I'm irreplaceable...
It's been nearly 2 years... I feel that this long friendship is fading away before me. You were my best friend..This is the one friendship that I treasure the most, yet it is the shortest. Maybe you are very busy now.. Maybe it was something I did wrong.. I don't mind things happening, but I just can't accept it that there's no explanation... At least tell me what went wrong... I hate to be forgotten... I used to be able to talk to you whenever I feel down.. But now, you don't seem to care already...
Am I so easily forgotten? In everyone's lives, I feel that I try to even things out for them. However, at the end of the day, after everything's ok for them, I have to disappear into the shadows again as I'm forgotten... Even when a third party sees that I'm in despair, nothing is done. Is it right to just stand by and watch?
When you see that something is wrong.. Can you just live it down and not do anything...
I can't...
That's why I'm forever the bloody fool that people forget...
i was here @
9:40 AM.
[[Lim pei's problem]]
Pa sort of scolded me today..
He said I didn't prepare myself for the future and stuff..
Actually I'm aware of that..
I need guidiance man.. I really am clueless...
On top of it, he also mentioned that although I was in the whole of Saturday, I didn't clean the house etc, and complained about some fingerprint marks on the wall..
Nabei.. that one also lim pei's problem? I'm not the only able bodied male in this household. What about my fucking brother? He doesn't do anything... No need to train him ah? I am the one who clears the fucking bin every night.. Don't know how many fucking cockroaches there are every night.. No one bothers...
I'm not like him(Pa). He has the foresight of an S2.. He will look far.. How many people like me will go and analyse the economy sia? Haizz.. it's not that I don't know anything.. I know things about gadgets that my friends only learn about when thry go product training for the job. When I enquire about electrical products at shops, I would sometimes know the product better that the salesperson... I'm really interested in digital photography, DVD, blueray.. all those kinds of shit..
Pa is like a OC-figure in this house.. However, as a good officer, he would know the traits of his man and help to exploit theirs strenghts and minimise their weaknesses.. He should gear me towards such electronic gadgets since I have this interest in them... But he doesn't sit me down to talk.. The closest he ever gets to giving me advice is when scolding starts.. I need to be guided too.. I'm more like a specialist at home and Elwyn is a man.. He takes no initiative, has to be led.. I need orders(guidiance), but can fight on my own after that...
I feel that he wants me to be a certain way.. A way he wants.. Not the way..I am.. Don't think it's advisable.. A parent is like an OC, should help the child to discover himself... Even when the child reached adulthood, the parent can, and should, still guide him.. That's what parents are for.. If not, for fuck they are more wise?
Can't believe I said it... Yet, so what... Everything's change.. Now that everyone's lives are improving, I'm forgotten and have to disappear into the shadows once again... No one really appreciate me... There is no purpose in my life.. I have done what I wanted to do... Even the only place, My beloved camp, where I truely feel that I belong, can do without me.. At the end of the day, there will still be someone who will came and take over me.. I can be done without.. So what?
Last time, at least I'm told.. Mei you wo bu xing.. I'm told how wonderful it is to have me around.. It gave me a sense of purpose..
Yet, now.. the last person I would expect to hear something like this from is my Ah gong.. He told my gu gu that He was proud to have a Grandson like me.. That I was filial and respectful to him.. Ironically, I did the least for him...
i was here @
12:16 AM.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
[[Before I leave for swimming]]
My greatest achievement.. LAN Gaming Room.. Today no one leh...sad
My favourite terminal.. It has since hanged
My foot belongs on an accelerator pedal.. so before my Gaming Wheel comes, my foot belongs on the table
Acting Cute... Can you see my Evo 8
My favourite com in the branch... with my toy soldiers
Legacy of the lovers.. Ram & Ben... Hello kitty magnets.... half of which stolen from company lines
i was here @
11:19 AM.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
[[]]
I miss having someone whom i can have a heart to heart talk with...
I miss those days...
There is so much that I missed out on... I always didn't seem to get things right...
I thought that was right... I said everything... I didn't keep anything mum... Yet, it was the wrong course of action... Sometimes to think too much, is really a killer. I thought it was the right thing to do.. I liked things as they were, until everything changed...
Sometimes... No matter how much one tries, it never happens... Where is my sword?
I want things to return to as they used to...
I have something I still need to do on top of other things... By hook or by crook, I'll get this done... This weekend.. Pls wait
But then it would mean that my family problems will re-surface.. I always try to make everything work out, everyone happy.. Yet in the end, nothing works out for me...
When everyone has become happy, the one who fought for them has to disappear into the shadows once again..
How I wish I can be like Kira... He was so alone.. Then Frey came along.. Even though she was just toying with him... I think, he did find warmth in her...
At least grant me a harbour... I used to have one....
I have something else to do on top of other things... This weekend, by hook or by crook.. Pls wait
i was here @
11:59 PM.
[[SiCK!!!!]]
Feeling bloody sick man... Flu..
No energy to train.. shit...
i was here @
11:41 PM.
[[Idiot]]
I always hate it when people forget.. yet now here I am.. a culprit of ameasia...
I pay so much attention to my own stuff till I forget about those right beside me...
Better fucking wake up... 2005 is over...
I don't want to ruin 2006.. or other's
Medical Appointment on 4 Jan.. pushed back from last Nov.. if It were back in 2004 Nov, I would have blown my top for having to postpone the appointment...
However,, it's otherwise when I joined the Int Branch... guess i do love it there.. hmm..
Shit the PSP disk drive giving problem again..
i was here @
12:00 AM.
Monday, January 02, 2006
[[Same old, not new, year]]
My Block Leave is over in a flash once again... Stayed at home most of the time, though I went out more this time around compared to the previous Block Leave... I heard next Tues is a public holiday again.. Maybe I should take off on Monday and give me yet another Week's leave since my swimming competition in from Wed to Fri.. Hahaha
My own gym trainings are only starting to pick up a little yet I'm eating non-stop.. Having heavy suppers every other nights... Shit... ust had the craziest supper last night.. Seafood supper...
Vege, some kind of shellfish, scallops, giant prawns and finally crab beehoon...
Crazy shit.. I better whack the gym tomorrow.. Nevertheless, I didn't regret going with my er shu hahaha...
Went Esplande to watch fireworks... New year's eve was boring
Then for some fucking expensive KTV... $50 per head... The next time someone suggests such things on these kind of days, I'm going to whack him with the mic and strangle him with the cord..
Absolutely Stupid-Star
Cadet Eric.. pouring out his sorrows before his Brunei "vacation" HahahahaAnd to the bloody new dog that Daryl owned...
...For irritating me when I went his house.. Stayed till quite late that day too.. Played PS2 and joked and laughed like 2 idiots and went for prata...
Stupid tummy is big now..
i was here @
4:41 AM.