Thursday, December 29, 2005
[[The End]]
Bloody hell... got blackout in the middle of the night last night.. and I type so much... shit
I feel that I have already accomplised all that I want to...
My pa is ok now after I talked to him, so my family is more or less ok..
i hv helped my Branch thru this yr and prepared it for the new specialists.
I got my license liao.
I had already been in the swimming team..
All is done.. My job's done.. I have accomplised all that I have set out to do for myself this year..
No more outstanding issues.
There may be one thing left...
But I lacked my sword... I need my prayers to be answered
I think I know why I like Jap anime so much..
It's about the lives depicted inside... It's full of ups and downs, sometimes more downs.. Very much like our evreryday lives... Unlike those dis-illusioned idol dramas...
The character is the animes have tough lives like I do... They have dreams like I do.. We all try very hard to achieve what we desire... Never giving up... But what sets us apart is the a small little thing which stnads between us and success. The character have it, I don't.
In Daiku Maryu Gaiking, Daiya had the power of Gaiking to help him in the search of his father... He stubbornly believed that his father never died... for five years, no matter how people scorned and mocked at him, he firmly believed... Finally he was bestowed upon this gift like no other...
In Gundam, especially SEED and SEED Destiny, the story is just me... Kira is like me... All the shit he been through... He was always looking out for his friends... He only wanted to protect the ones he cared for, often forgetting about himself... The ones he cared for neglected him too.. After their lives improved, they all forgotten about him... It's only when they though he had died and when they needed him, then did they treasure... Despite all that, Kira came back for them... He cared for them no matter what... However he lacked the ability to do so.. He is only one man..
Which was why Lacus gave him his Freedom Gundam.. Which he calls his sword... It took him to where he to where he wanted to go and help him to fulfill his dreams... But where is my sword. He and I desire the same things in life... But I lack my sword.. Lacus told him, power and emotions alone are not enough... Till the day I can fully understand what is needed, I guess I'll have to bear with this agony of being helpless.. Just watching my life pass me by...
i was here @
10:18 AM.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
[[Splash]]
Team Captain just called me... I have been called to join back the swim team
Sec 2 Swimming Champion.. Shd have 2 more medals de ok, they ran out of it
i was here @
9:33 AM.
Monday, December 26, 2005
[[End of this chapter]]
So many thoughts running through my head....
20 - 23 Dec Ex BuckspeedWe have turned operational. This could very well be my last major exercise of my NS life. It was a crazy one month leading up to Buckspeed. 3 exercises in a timeframe of a little more than 3 weeks..
Ex Lion's Will, Ex Singawira, and finally Ex Buckspeed.. I failed as the acting Int Sgt for Lion's Will... I soared for Singawira... That was the one that gave me my drive... And finally, for Buckspeed, I did what I was trained to do, Intelligence Specialist of 2SIR.. I survived it...
Even though I didn't do rifle fighting, I walked and bashed and trekked together with the Battalion.. I was there with them for every mission.. I fufilled what I set out to do one year ago... I'm still not all that proficient.. but nevertheless, I know I gave it my all... I can answer to myself..
Looks like this chapter of my life is closed... What lies ahead... I still have many dreams.. Many of which left unfulfilled.... Indeed, what Kira said was true.. Power and emotions alone are not enough... Sometimes, it just takes a little more...
241205Misjudged.. Fucking hell.. Always like this... I know I had the intention of making things work out... But how to bloody split mself into 2? Whatever I do, she take it that I do it out of guilt and pity.. (PS:No names here!!!! as you wished right?) You failed to realise that Though I don't do much, I do act out of my heart... I wanted to get a xmas gift for you, but there are so many bloody exercises back to back all the way up to the week of xmas... I know you would say that If I had the heart, I would make the effort to get it.. For goodness's sake la... I didn't even thought of getting anything for my family... Not tryign to sound noble to you, but this is the fact.. I know someone is going to react very negative when she's sees this, but then please remember Benedict is also in this equation... I had been thinking of you during Buckspeed, about the KTV outing.. But Saturday shook me.. Like that also can be unhappy..
251205Boring Xmas... But got my new phone Sony Ericcson 750i..
Someone i know is making a move on a girl whose guy is now in the army. Apprantly the girl is responding positively to him... Ok, maybe, the bf is fucked up as it is said.. But still I wasn't to happy to know about this.. As a soldier myself, I'm quite pissed.. We do so much for the nation yet, this is what we get... Girls these days are getting fucked up... Fucking pieces of loose whores.. As long as you give them attention, they throw themselves to you.. Ok la... maybe not all, but this is the trend.
The relations in my family are getting better.. I accomplised what I wanted to achieve in the army.. What's next? I don't know... I want more fulfillment out of my life.. I want to live for a reason.. Last time, someone made me feel this way...(PS: PLEASE! I'm not missing the person. I'm missing the fulfillment and feeling of purpose.)
I just want to shout it out...
I was there, You were there.. I'm still here, but you forgot...
i was here @
12:23 PM.
Monday, December 19, 2005
[[I pray]]
Please let my dreams come true...
i was here @
11:47 PM.
[[]]
Major exercise tomorrow... Got off to a rough start this morning...
What else to say?
What the fuck...
i was here @
11:29 AM.
[[Future]]
You call this a bedroom?
Hahaha... welcome to my world... This is the only place I can belong now...
Haizz... Ex Buckspeed next week... After that?
Army is ending soon for me.. what do I want to achieve? ... Think I know... No, I don't...
Guide me...
i was here @
12:04 AM.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
[[Looking back]]
Talked to my pa today.. he mentioned something... Think I managed to make him hear what I am trying to say.. cos he went to enquire about the phone I want to get..
I told him that his upbringing methods aren't wrong, it's just that my adolescent Bro doesn't accept it, unlike me back then.. THink my pa also knows that his methods are unorthodox..
Sometimes... It really means a great deal when someone tells you that he or she understands..truely out of the heart... You won't feel that alone...
But God... I'm tired... I have said this before, and I'm saying this yet again.. I'm tired of always trying my best... trying to make thte people around me happy, and yet they don't take a second look at me.. The moment they are happy.. I'm forgetten
Was looking through my friendster Testimonials.... I realised back then, apparantly there were people who cared.. Maybe it was I who forgotten about them... But still, I know I had been there for them... But they have since forgotten about me...
I know how Kira feels... I am going through the same thing as him.... Why do we seek to protect so much? What exactly are we fighting for?? They have forgotten.... yet we continue to fight..
i was here @
2:57 AM.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
[[Replaceable]]
Int Sgt is back from course... Hmmm... Just as I was getting used to it.. Anyway, I noticed my drive seemed to have dampened a little..
Hmmm... had a boring week.. damn bloody sian.. haizz... don't know what to do.. everyday in camp even though I can come out as and when I want to..
Now my pa seems ok, with the exception of the bloody fact that I do not have an internet connection at home thanks to him. NTU sent me some stupid form..Can't fill it up because of him.. Fuck it.. Can't be bothered..
So relations at home eased out without my direct influence.. Even in camp, there is always someone to replace me when the time comes. I'm expandable... Don't have also never mind.. Where exactly do I belong...
Then somtimes, I don't know what to do in camp, but I feel just as sian to go home, since no one really talks to me anyway when I'm at home.. Sometimes, I feel like a little housewife. Quietly stay at home and tend to the house. Husband outside play woman also never mind.. Come home for dinner and accompany me can le... Haizzz... sometimes, it just gets so lonely.. Try to make things better for people, but they never take a second glance.. Lost my handphone, left a msg in msn asking to have my friend's numbers back, but no one replied also..
Like Kira... He was always looking out for his friends.. Protecting them... However, they took him for granted.. Only when they all thought that he had died, then did they realise how much he meant to them...
But, in my case, its different. I can easily be replaced...
Kira is stronger
http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/products/details/SG/EN,CRID=2217,CONTENTID=6030
i was here @
11:29 PM.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
[[Sian]]
Had a long day yesterday... ended around 9.... so sian and lonely... no one in camp... life's a dull..
i want more out of it... show me the way..
no motivation in life
i was here @
2:21 PM.
Friday, December 09, 2005
[[Tripped over again]]
I thought my luck had turned...
Tuesday night when I went home, my ma told me, Pa had a change.. He went through with Elwyn A'Maths... And he offered to change my phone for me...
I was happy though I didn't show it...
Then godamn shit.
I dropped my handphone on the bus... when Jinjin asked for my PSP... Fuck.. Already say no power.. haizz... Then everything went downhill... When things start to turn for the better.. something must always appear to stumble me... Why?
I'm tired of this.. No matter how hard I try, I'm still me.. Nothing lost, nothing gain..
Feel that there's nothing left to do... Nothing that I can think of... Whether or not I do, nothing changes... I'm still me... There is no goal.. Nothing to look forward to or fight for, to achieve...
Life is dull... Unlike Alex and Jinjin... They have something to look forward to...
There's nothing left for me to do anymore...
It's just boring...
Maybe I lacked the courage.. The heart is wiling, but the flesh is weak...
Pls remember...
Bringing the little children out this Saturday.. How nice if I could drive them... Any babysitter?
i was here @
3:45 PM.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
[[LOST HANDPHONE]]
Guys, pls pass the word around... can my dear frens pls tag me or email ur contacts. I am currently w/o a handphone.... email: freestyler_2728@yahoo.com
i was here @
5:29 PM.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
[[A Lion's Will]]
Had a one day exercise yesterday.. MapEx.. Though we were only returning this morning, but some of us returned around midnight last night... Damned tired.. The night before slept around 1 plus and woke up at 4.. The preparation was killing me... Have to double up as an Int Sgt and over-see everything.. We managed to finished the staff aids eventually, though it was quite late..
The next day was the killer.. Alvin was some fuck reason didn't come, and I had to manage the whole Intelligence Cell by myself... Doing the job of 2 Int Specialists and a Int Sergant... Fortunately and amazingly, nothing went wrong, as compared to the previous MapEx... I cocked up the whole show... Maybe some would say that I should'nt shoulder all the blame, after all I'm still not all that experienced. Still I was disappointed with myself.. I let everyone down, including S2... I made everyone look bad in front of Brigade..
The Branch is good to me. I couldn't accept it that I failed everyone including myself..
It really was a relief that yesterday's exercise turned out fine... I could stand tall knowing that I did it.. However, I can't be complacent.. Ex Buckspeed is the real deal...
Saw Leong's photos that day... Think she was sending the guy off for reservists.. How ironic.. We broke up when I was in NS.. and now he's in Reservist.. (Ya I know mummy.. you are going to say that I haven't forgotten her.. etc, I just want to know what happened when I was in Taiwan that sparked the chain of events.. did he fucked her or what..Ya I know she allowed him to hug and kiss her, what else? Whatever, My knuckles still itch)
Now I feel a little like Athrun... Want to set things right, but just don't know how to... He left Orb, then rejoined ZAFT and finally found his place back in Orb, beside Kira and the rest he left behind... However, during the time he was gone, much damage had been done... He hurt the ones he cared for...
I want to set things right for myself... and for my family. But I don't know how to... No one stands out to guide me even when they see me struggling. They don't listen to me even when they hear me shouting.. I can't seem to fit in anywhere.. Even the one thing I did do right in the past, the one thing that may have mattered most to me, isn't there anymore... I want to fight back, as I managed to suceed in this Exercise... But at this moment... I am lost..
For the day where we can all embrace one another again without harth and war... That is why we must keep on fighting.... ~Kira
i was here @
4:31 PM.