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Thursday, September 29, 2005
[[Pain]]


A lot of thoughts going through my head...

Very sian....

Very hurt?

I don't know...

Suddenly don't know what to say... Don't know why I feel like no one knows how I feel? When I was taking the bus home, Suddenly though of something. Watched a show "Hotel Rwanda" back then. A black woman was told told that people out there knew of the atrocities that are happening to them. She replied' "Yes, when they see the news reports on TV, they would say oh my gosh, and return to their meals." Feels like maybe that's how most people around me behave. At the most, they will ask how I feel, and say orr.. and full-stop. Like no one sincerely cares.. Am I such a person too? I don't know myself.

Coincidentally, there's this issue about the PSP. Now, I'm not sure if I really want the PSP or to offer my help. How is it possible that I am unsure of myself? Only you know yourself best, isn't it? Why I took some time to consider the offer, hmmm... during the time, I thought that that I'm not spending too much, I don't mind having it, she needed the money, so why not?

Now, I doubt myself for thinking that. When the offer is no longer valid, I have doubts about myself.. Did I really have the heart to help or did I just want the PSP? It's not too big an issue that I told Tze Theng sir that I'm getting it, nor that JJ sir is considering to get it because of me. We intended to get all the same games and play together.. Don't know how to tell them now.. Fuck.. That aside, cause to me, that isn't really an issue.. The main thing is now me.. Am I really so fucked up?

My brother also like turning bad.. So much things.. Away from home too long because of NS. My whole life turning upside down.. Mummy say her mum take too long to think, too indecisive. I'm like that too, but Like I said earlier, I thought I had a reason for it.. but now I begin to doubt myself... I lost the ability to judge.

I am fucking trained to analyise but I can't understand myself. So much troubles... no one cares.. Going to be busy soon... I am a full fledged Intelligence Specialist now, they tell me... I gave so much to what I have today. Or rather, I have to give so much. It's not that I wanted all this. True..I awnt to have something to look back upon in thhe future.. But what I lost in the process isn't worth it.

I only wanted to be happy. Everyone to be happy. Is it too much to ask for? Now I know how Kira felt. He only wanted to protect the ones he cared for. However, all of them took him for granted until he was gone. Still he came back for them. He was always there for them. But who cared about him?

We used to tell each other everything. Always there for each other, but now I don't now what has happened. I don't know why I am forgotten.

i was here @
7:40 PM.

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