Thursday, September 29, 2005
[[Pain]]
A lot of thoughts going through my head...
Very sian....
Very hurt?
I don't know...
Suddenly don't know what to say... Don't know why I feel like no one knows how I feel? When I was taking the bus home, Suddenly though of something. Watched a show "Hotel Rwanda" back then. A black woman was told told that people out there knew of the atrocities that are happening to them. She replied' "Yes, when they see the news reports on TV, they would say oh my gosh, and return to their meals." Feels like maybe that's how most people around me behave. At the most, they will ask how I feel, and say orr.. and full-stop. Like no one sincerely cares.. Am I such a person too? I don't know myself.
Coincidentally, there's this issue about the PSP. Now, I'm not sure if I really want the PSP or to offer my help. How is it possible that I am unsure of myself? Only you know yourself best, isn't it? Why I took some time to consider the offer, hmmm... during the time, I thought that that I'm not spending too much, I don't mind having it, she needed the money, so why not?
Now, I doubt myself for thinking that. When the offer is no longer valid, I have doubts about myself.. Did I really have the heart to help or did I just want the PSP? It's not too big an issue that I told Tze Theng sir that I'm getting it, nor that JJ sir is considering to get it because of me. We intended to get all the same games and play together.. Don't know how to tell them now.. Fuck.. That aside, cause to me, that isn't really an issue.. The main thing is now me.. Am I really so fucked up?
My brother also like turning bad.. So much things.. Away from home too long because of NS. My whole life turning upside down.. Mummy say her mum take too long to think, too indecisive. I'm like that too, but Like I said earlier, I thought I had a reason for it.. but now I begin to doubt myself... I lost the ability to judge.
I am fucking trained to analyise but I can't understand myself. So much troubles... no one cares.. Going to be busy soon... I am a full fledged Intelligence Specialist now, they tell me... I gave so much to what I have today. Or rather, I have to give so much. It's not that I wanted all this. True..I awnt to have something to look back upon in thhe future.. But what I lost in the process isn't worth it.
I only wanted to be happy. Everyone to be happy. Is it too much to ask for? Now I know how Kira felt. He only wanted to protect the ones he cared for. However, all of them took him for granted until he was gone. Still he came back for them. He was always there for them. But who cared about him?
We used to tell each other everything. Always there for each other, but now I don't now what has happened. I don't know why I am forgotten.
i was here @
7:40 PM.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
[[No title...as is my life]]
Busy busy busy...but it's not me that is busy.. it's everyone else. Hmm...I'll be busy too.. but now just wanna talk, but seems that everyone is busy... Feel so empty.. so lonely
This is result of my decision... Humans live as a network.. One person's actions will affect another... I cannot be selfish... On the other hand, I have been selfish.. Well, retribution for my actions.
Don't know what lies ahead. Feels as though I know..then again I don't. Always uncertain with wha I want? Or just... ok maybe uncertain.... but why is it that at times, I am so firm? I would stand steadfast and be so strong?
Others suffer as a result of my actions... I suffer... Why must things turn out like this? I'm so fucked up..
i was here @
9:51 PM.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
[[I 'm a bastard]]
Did I do something very wrong? Was it bastard of me to do that? Put aside Kira, Athrun and Shinn for the time bring. It is about Ben now... I had been too self-centred. Haven't I? Always thinking only about myself... What about others? What about mummy? Am I too selfish? What should be the course of action? What is my own course of action? My Ops plan? What am I? What am I supposed to do? I have failed.
i was here @
4:03 AM.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
[[Sick]]
Had diarrohea since Saturday. Only went to see a doctor today because the beginning of the week was jammed packed with my Final test for my course and my summary Exercise. Wasn't too happy when I had to wait quite long for my turn. So, I went to kao pei. So much so that the fucking doctor didn't want to give me an MC, didnt even bother to examine me properly. The consultation was over in less than 5 mins. All I can say is that somethings on this islands are downright fucked up.. Professionlism my dick.
I am always there for them, but when I need them, I am almost always alone. (PS: Don't misunderstand, I'm not refering to you. This about me.) In the afternoon, went to Orchard alone to but some shirts. One guy in the shop asked why was I alone in town.....No comments. Anyway, bought what I wanted to buy a month ago. Both were the last pieces. Hmm...the yellow shirt looked nicer back then. Have to train and bulk up now to look good in the 2 Tees. Bought a Alien vs Predator toy too. Cheap. $10 only. Went to Bugis to buy the Mobile Fortune Gundam too, but it was sold out.
Don't know I feel so alone.. I don't know who to turn to.. I need something..
Shinn was searching....
Kira knew....
Athrun is learning....
I am lost
i was here @
11:17 PM.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
[[End of SEED Destiny..]]
"I can't believe that you can't remember anything"~Shinn to StellaWhy is it that Stella couldn't remember? How could she have forgotten? Shinn had always cared for her.. She knew it. Shinn reluctantly returned Stella back to Neo, in order for her to live. Even though he did not want it, as he wanted her to be happy. In the end, Neo manipulated her. He used her. He never cared for her. She is just a tool to him. Shinn truely cared for her. He is always there for her. However, why is Stella blind to it? She is disillusioned... However, in the end, when she finally remembered Shinn, it was all too late... It was too late... just too late...
Maybe now she hasn't completely forgotten Shinn, but now Stella has turned to Neo. Why? Cause she has forgot..
i was here @
12:37 PM.
Monday, September 12, 2005
[[]]
I did ok at planning enemy movement today.. Not that bad..
Stella looks upon Neo as a fatherly figure.. Due to the drugs administered to her, she sometimes forgets who Shinn is.. She forgets that Shinn is the one who cares for her the most...
i was here @
11:46 PM.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
[[Lonely]]
Why doesn't anyone ask how am I?
They say later going out, call me later. In the end, they left le also never call. Then they say later abit then call me again, aso don't have. Am I only called when a middleman is needed to do things?
Sad also no one knows. Left to fend for myself. Left to die. I always step forward, but when I'm in need, I stand alone
i was here @
5:49 AM.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
[[Shinn]]
SEED Destiny is drawing to an end. I feel that it is wrapped up too quickly. I would miss Kira, Athrun, Shinn, Stella... Feel that SEED is just so close o me, more than other Gundam series..
Kira told Athrun that conflicts arises because people have different dreams/ideals. Athrun had a brief thought about Shinn and said, actually everyone shared the same dream, which is to protect the ones they loved. It's just that the methods employed differ.
Shinn ah Shinn... In the past, he couldn't protect, but now he can. Fate bought him and Stella together, and yet, refused to let them remain together. Shinn truthfully wanted to protect Stella, thought Stella doesn't know it, he still does it silently. He just wants her to be happy, to care for her wholeheartedly. It hurts so much inside him when he sees her getting hurt. Yet, Stella doesn't realise that the one who has always been there for her is Shinn.. Shinn probably cared for Stella so much because he felt that they shared the same fate. Somehow, it is true... No matter how different they lives were, their paths ultimately met. They found comfort in each other. However, they seemed, not to be.. Why is that so? Why can't they be together? He just wants to protect her. Why doesn't Stellar realise that?
i was here @
10:49 PM.
[[The last spoilers]]
Phase 48 : "To the New World"Newtype - Dullindal's "Destiny Plan" is using genetic engineering to match every human with roles corresponding to their own abilities. Shinn is disturbed by the details, however Rey tells it is their job to help create Dullindal's world. While the rest of the world is disturbed, Cagalli's Orb refuses to implement the plan. Dullindal orders the firing of Requiem at Earth Alliance's Arzamas base, which was following her decision.
Animage - Dullindal implements the ultimate human salvation plan, "Destiny Plan". While people around the world are disturbed at this news, Rey urges Shinn to agree with Dullindal's plan. While rest of the world are deciding to accept Dullindal's plan, Lacus decides to fight against Dullindal to protect the dreams and future of people.
Phase 49: "Rey"Newtype - Archangel and Eternal quickly heads toward to destroy Requiem's first relay point. Minerva is there to stop them.Animage - After reuniting, Archangel and Eternal heads toward the Requiem's first relay point colony. Some of the ZAFT were hesitent towards Lacus' plea to open the path. Combat could not be avoided. Shinn, reflecting back the past events, was perplexed. Dullindal is explaining Shinn that he needs him in order to create a world with no war.
Phase 50: "The Final Power"Newtype - Athrun vs Shinn. Kira vs Rey. During the intense battle, Kira learns about Rey's shocking birth.
i was here @
11:08 AM.