Saturday, April 30, 2005
[[Where you should go, and what you should do will represent themselves to you in due time]]
Kira: I'm going.Lacus: Where are you going? (Testing Kira though she knows the answer)Kira: I have to go.....back to earth.Lacus: Why?Lacus:Even if you go back, the war will not end.Kira: All the same, but I cannot continue to just stand here and watch.Kira: If I say "I can't do anything", and do nothing, then I really wont be able to do anything. Nothing will change, nothing will end.Lacus: Will you fight ZAFT again?(Kira shakes his head)Lacus: Then the Earth Alliance?(Kira shakes his head again)Kira: I feel as thought I've finally begun to understand what we are truely fighting for.Lacus: I understandI am slowly coming to understand what I want. I dont want to do nothing during this NSF period. I want to have something to look back one. I want to be in S2, to be an IntSpec.
I understand there are things that I need to do to get to where I want to go. Even if, they are things I do not want. Even thought my knee may not be able to take it. But, this(Upgrading) is something I need to do.
If I want to stay on in S2, this is a step I have to take.
I am beginning to understand.
i was here @
2:06 PM.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
[[Am i kira?]]
I went to upgrade today. Think I'm the only psycho NSF who would do such a thing. People trying so hard to down grade but though I am already halfway through the door, I turn back.
Hmm...this week I realised that my Intspec position is going to be replaced and I may end up in Support Company. Didnt know what to do. I want to stay on. Why I want to be an Intspec I dont know. I am surprised by my actions this time. I am really fighting for myself, pushing for it.
I dont know why I want so much to be an Intspec. However I understand what I must do to get there, and what must be done. I understand that along the way, there are things which must be done before I get to my goal. Even with the knowledge that I may not get to swim for 3Div at the end of the year, I go ahead. I feel that that part of my life has passed. This is what I should do now.
Why I decide on this? It may be that I dont know what lies ahead for me at Support, maybe I'm afraid. Nevertheless, I'm surprised at what I'm doing for myself now. I never stand up for myself before. However this time.....
Kira: What am I doing here?
Lacus: What You want to be, Kira?
Kira: I dont know.
Lacus: Do you not like it here?
Kira: I wonder if it is alright for me to be here.
Lacus: I would say of course it is.
Blind man: Where you should go and what you should do will represent themselves to you in due time.
Somehow I feel that I draw my inspiration from Gundam again. PS: I failed Advanced. Haizzz
i was here @
7:42 PM.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
[[Haizzz]]
First, they want to put me in S1. Now they want to put me back in Support. Fucking push me here and there. Fucking sian leh and dulan. The only way out is to go revoke my status, which in turn, sort of allows me to get back my vocation. However, judging by the way SAF get things done, by the time, I am reinstated, I think I'm already in Support. Then I'll be hit by a double-whammy.
1.I'm in a place i dont wanna be in.
2.I have to do rifle fighting.
My physical
fitness ok, but combat
fitness is a no-go. I know one. I dont really need to chiong-sua in S2, and I like what i do. Still got a bit of power. But in Support, then really clerk liao sia.
Fuck la.
What should I do now? The only thing holding me back is the fear that they process tmy
PES too slowly and cause me to be stuck in a worse situation than now.
"Decide first, then follow throught..."
~Lacus
Should I.. Guide me someone...
i was here @
8:11 AM.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
[[kiRA]]
"But really, we dont even know what is right or wrong. But we can't just give up can we? To know about it and be silent is wrong, isnt it?"~kirahahaha....i wanted to post a pic of myself, but I cant seem to find the pic I want of kira crying
i was here @
5:13 PM.
[[]]
haha...was playing my favourite Mafia
shooting game yesterday. UP!! I climbed the ranks till the last one, Commisioner and had my life increased to 107 including the 4 I got initially..haha HIGH man...
i was here @
3:02 PM.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
[[]]
"Are you trying to say that you're the only person who's right and you wont accept anyone you dont like or agree with?"This is what Athrun told Shinn once. Well, I
felt that what he said could apply to me too. I'm somewhat like Kira, and a bit like Shinn. Maybe that's why I take to Gundam. I can relate myself to the characters and the events in the anime. It just feels so real. Its like I see myself in real life everytime. Even when I took a Gundam Character test, the answer is Kira.
Kira -> Frail, fights for others, alone, misunderstood, cries easily
Shinn -> Impulsive, hurt, bad
memories, want to set things right
I have my own way of thinking. Somtimes it clashes with others. Most of the time they are the same as Jinjin n Alex. However, on occasions that others think differently from me, I am angry/unhappy. I believe, unwittingly, I would have thought that they are wrong too. Isn't it the same as Shinn?
Hmmm..sometimes I just feel as thought I'm them(Gundam characters). Uncanningly close!
"If I had the power back then,
If only i can get hold of such a power...
Anyone who has cried over his lack of power will think that.....probably
But from the time you get hold of that power,
You become the one that make others cry.
If you forget what I said,
And wield your powers blindly for the sake of your own reasons and justice,
All that would make you is a destroyer."When Athrun said this to Shinn, it struck me deep as well. Back then in ASLC, I lacked the power. I couldnt do anything even when I wanted so much to. I knew things werent the way it was supposed to be. Yet, I couldnt do anything about it. Eventually, I lost her. If I had this missing link, "power", back then. But I was in the army, in hell. I toiled day and night, suffered and sacrificed so much just to lose evrything I had worked for. It didnt feel good. I
felt miserable. Also, Athrun meant about the abuse of power that one possessed. I wouldnt want to abuse my authority too, not that I have any though.
Now, with
her. I know things are worng. I want to do something about it, but how come I still lack this power? Nothing I do seems right. Why? Sometimes I feel I'm totally clueless. I thought I knew what to do, but I realised I dont really know. Sometimes, it's just that I'm really so busy in camp.
Mon, Tues conduct security checks on the Battalion. Wed, IntWarrent came down to check on us. Thurs, I'm COS and have to take charge of the Drug exhibition. Friday worse. NDP meeting. Dont even have time to change
clothes for my Advanced, wore No. 4 there. I couldnt even afford the time to have nights off. But, I'm mistaken to be a bo-chap fellow.
Why everytimeI wanna do something to set things right, I just cant. Why people would say "Why you like that?" "Never think of me?" "Never think of her"
Who thought of me?
I know you would read this. I know it would make you
fan..
But I cant bottle this up
i was here @
10:11 AM.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
[[A Day In A Office]]
This is my branch!! hahaha...but this is my DY's workdesk. Stuck here with him now, printing some NDP'05 posters. Sianzz...
Die....havent prepared enough for my Advanced
i was here @
5:32 PM.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
[[]]
"what you should do and where you should go will represent themselves to you in due time..."well, it sort of occured to me what I should do. Which explains me voicing out to S1, And well fuck, I'm still a clerk. And fucking SAF makan my $200 from my IPPT Gold. All my friends got it why didnt I? Because I'm no longer taking IPPT because of my PES status. They are so quick to cheat me of this money. Yet they fuck care about the pay and status that I rightfully deserve. By the way, the test was taken last year. Way before my temporary downgrade. Eh, can't count ah jibye?
"even I have things I understand, but dont agree with..."~AthrunIn a seperate issue, this is how I feel about some things. Still, I dont really fully understand/comprehend them. Just feel neglected. I need understanding too. I'm willing to work, but only if I'm worked with cos I don't really know at times.
Sometimes I thought I knew, but on the ground, I realised I was wrong. Time and time again. I just feel so lousy. Morale is running low. Maybe I'll flip some day, like Kira? Even Athrun, who used to be more matured and calm, is slipping up now. I feel that I'm just not there yet. Even a 'man' talks back to me and I dont know what to do. I'm useless.
i was here @
12:59 PM.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
[[Nabei Jibye]]
Bloody fuck la hor. Make me a fucking clerk nvm. Now u jibye cut my pay. Until $436? Fuck la hor. Nabei Jibye. Its even lesser than a fucking coperal. Cuckoo say wat, it may be a blessing in disguise, may be good for my knee, I dont need so much money, etc.
JIBYE la hor....Thats not the point. It isnt even the issue at all. The thing is I fucking dont deserve this. U FUCKING JIBYE LA HOR. Who the fuck re-vocated me? Jibye, it were good if u balls rot, dick drop, father get AIDS and mother run off with another man. FUCKING JIBYE...
i was here @
6:01 PM.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
[[I feel better]]
WHAT SIA??? Hahaha....just for laughs.
Few days back, S1 came into my branch and jokded with S2 about him not having any Intspecs because of me. That was when I voiced out. Think I took everyone by surprise. Even I didnt expect myself to speak up suddenly then. I aired my displeasure, everything. S1 said people are trying to downgrade while I'm pushing to up-grade. I feel that I would have to serve my 2 years no matter what. In that case, I rather spend it meaningfully. So that I have something to look back on in future. I dont want to be a damn clerk. Fuck! After all that training. Finally, S1 said he would check it out and try to re-vocat me. Fucking hope things work out. Mummy was afraid I would get into trouble for my out-burst. However, I feel that as long as i prove my worth, they wouldnt give me much problem if they had the intention to. Hmmm...
Went TTSH yesterday for a follow-up. Mummy came all the way from Jurong to keep me company. Then we went to watch "the Pacifier" after that. Mummy bought Strepsils for my cough and Milk-flavored Pohky for me. Things that I needed and liked. I was surprised that she did all that. I felt loved. But I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not doing enought. I'm scared of a deja vu. I'm scared I dont know how to treasure her.
i was here @
12:23 PM.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
[[The Green System....Jibye]]
Went to check it out yesterday. The situation is worse than I thought. Initially, I thought my temporary PES status is the reason as to why I couldnt go for the Intspec course. However, I realised yesterday that it was a cock-up. My entire vocation was changed! From Infantry Leader to a mere fucking clerk. YOU JIBYE Eh...how can like that one?? And the worse shit is. They say its beyond my unit's level to change it. So as of now, I will suffer a pay cut and a demotion. Never mind. I may not get to stay in S2 because they say my rank is to high to be a clerk here. Then I go other branch also clerk right?? What's the fucking differance??? Might as well retrench me huh? YOU FUCKING JIBYE LA HOR SAF I trained so long to be a clerk is it? I toiled so much, suffered, sacrificed and lost so much to end up like this. I didnt want to down PES for good. I just wanted to have some time to heal my knees then the Mother-Fucker organisation do this kind of thing to me? Jibye.... |
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i was here @
8:03 AM.
Monday, April 04, 2005
[[One Year War]]
I realised a few days back that it has been a year in the army for me.
One year.
Time flies, but I still cant smell my ORD 31/05/06. So much has happened during this one year. I used to tell her "Wow! so much has changed during this one year/two years.", and it stopped there. Because "I feel that our story should end", she told me. Was it my fault that things turn out this way, or was it disaster waiting to strike? ie. Destined.. Dont know leh... I'm scared to give, cause the last time I gave, I was left with nothing to take. People dont know this. Never mind. Its ok. Its my own fight.
my One Year War...
Think i'll be fighting to go for the Intspec course. I dont wan to be a damn clerk. After all my traning, all that I have lost. Its not worth it. Not befitting of me to be a clerk. I want to have something to look back on next time. If I dont fight for myself , who will? I'm my own man. Who cares anyway......
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i was here @
1:39 PM.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
[[]]
I have feelings too. Yes, we must think for others. I know I must think for others. But others need to think for me too.
How many of you can see me crying inside?
i was here @
11:57 PM.
[[Rage Your Dream]]
Nice pic huh? Hahah.. I'm not really a fan of Initial D, but I am crazy about the Eurobeat soundtrack. So, I'll be watching the movie with Alex and Jinjin hahaha.
i was here @
10:57 PM.