Friday, December 10, 2004
[[pain...lost...disappointed]]
i have seen the othopedaetrist..my knees seem to be worse than i thought. He wants me to consider to go for a proper check by inserting a scope into my knee. To do that, he will have to pump my knee with fluid and i wont be able to walk for a few days. I should have went to check my knee earlier. Maybe if i did, my knees wont be so badly damaged and maybe i wont have to go to Taiwan and maybe i wont lose my baby. However, a line in
Macross Zero states "..History dont accept any
ifs.." I wouldnt have known, nobody would.
I feel its better to lose her thru death. If she were to depart, i would only be left with our sweet and beautiful memories. I would find it easier to cry in front of ppl. Ppl wouldnt think that i'm a lousy bf like now. However the way i lost her, i was left with scarred memories, pain, misunderstandings of me and a whole lot of mess to clear up with loose ends dangling all over the place.
i watched Gundam SEED Destiny Ep. 8
the thgs that are happening in the show strike deep in my heart...i can relate to them...the thgs that the characters go thru, the pain, the confusion, every emotion they experienced, i can feel everyone of them...maybe that's y i watch Japanese anime/shows, especially Gundam...in Gundam, there's no clear distinction btwn right and wrong. Its all about different ideals. I have always thought that different ppl have different way of thking..maybe that's why i can associate with Gundam...at this point, there is a whirlpool of emotions in me...all of which are the same as what the characters feel....
Anger - Shin blames the country Obu for the death of this family, but anger blinds him frm the fact that Obu fights for its ppl and that Obu itself is a victim...
There is anger raging inside me. The betrayal fuels my anger. Some of you guys what actually happened, others only know the surface of things. For those who know, you feel angry too. When I watched Blade whacked the vampines, i wondered if I would be like him if i let loose. I nearly did back then. it was fortunate I controlled too this time. Anger also rages because I realised the turn of events has caused ppl to have a wrong conception of me. I'm misunderstood. They misunderstood me. That's what i hate most in life. I dont mind not being recognised for what i do, i Just want to be appreciated, and the thing i most hate is to be misunderstood, when ppl say i didnt do anythg when i did so much. This is what's happening now. I am a victim, a victim of circumstances. Why dont anyone see that?
Lost of direction/Confusion - Athrun told Kira he is still looking for the answer as to who and how should they be fighting. He left his father's army to fight against him. He felt it was the right thing to do. He had different ideals from his father, but now the consequences of his actions are haunting him. Its make matters worse for him. He is locked in a turmoil within himself. He doesnt know what he's doing or what he should be doing.
I dont know what's happening...I dont know what happened...I dont know why it happened...I need answers. Somehow nothing seems to answer my questions. I need to be guided. I need to be supported.
Disappointment - Athrun and Cagali feel disappointed that the peace they fought so hard to achieve is going to be wiped out in the blink of an eye. All because of the uncertainties in ppl's hearts and the troubled times. The government of Obu wants to follow the actions of those who themselves are blinded and do not have a clear perception of things. Cagali warns them, but they are too blinded to listen.
I fought hard in my own battle. I fought long and hard for a better tomorrow, for us. But all for nothing. She gave up just like that when she herself had fought like me. I endured everythg silently, never to claim glory but look at what has happened. I sacrificed my knees just to hear ppl say i neglected her. I decided not to check my knees because my bookouts are precious. I want to give all my time to here. I had little free time so i didnt want to waste it visiting the doctor, I wanted to spend all of it with her. Now its too late to be treated, and it was all in vain. I did so much more for her. She knew, but she chose to leave. Pple didnt know and they say i neglected her. Ppl, whom she knew, had the wrong perceptions and they misguided her.
Follow your heart You only do that if there are no implications to others. However, She was told the wrong thing. She swayed during times of uncertainties. I stood firm. I tried to get her back on track but she was too blinded already...
Pain - self-explanatory
i was here @
10:56 PM.