Sunday, December 26, 2004
[[Happy Happy Happy]]
didnt blog for so long le...have been busy...hmmm or is it because i only pen down my unhappy thoughts? ....nevertheless, its true that my mood is improving...all thanks to my two "Athruns", ie. Alex and Jinjin. these 2 buddies stood by me all this while when i'm at my lowest..they even try all means and do their best in cheering me up..hope i dont neglect them again in future sia...feel so bad, whenever i hv problems, i run to them, but i dont know anythg about their problems...Alex reassured me, saying my problems are usually more serious..hmmm
well, alot of things happened during my absence from my blog. Unhappy things seem to have their
off-in-lieu. I hope unhappy things will take a long long block life from my life cos i like the way things are going as of now...my luck is rather fluctuating, smtimes good, smtimes bad,,actually it's more of
suay..haha
Good news is that in the end, I need not go for the Machine Gun Commander's course so my block leave wont get burnt! And i was called up for interview by S2 too be Intelligence Spec...but my knee got worse. It hurts pretty badly after my SOC this wk..there is a sharp pain in my knee cap even when i cross my leg. I will only know what is really wrong with my knee when i scope it next week... There are also 2 rather comical incidents which happened to me in camp, when i was on duty..no time today to blog it..next time cos my stupid bro want to use computer again, so i shall touch on something else..
....These 2 weekends have been rather enjoyable for me. Last Saturday, i had regimental Guard Duty so i had to stay in on Friday night, but Alex and Jinjin, knowing that i will be sian, invited me to join them and Derek for movie..Derek's classmated went to, there's Qiuyun, another guy and eric. We watched Ocean's 12...Before the show, we idled away in the arcade. My stupid buddies left me to play their own games. I didnt like driving games so i just stood there alone wondering what game to play..Luckily Qiuyun came and invited me tp join her for a game. We played puzzle bobble, metal slug,spot-the-difference and some chinese dynasty game..afterwards, she watched me showcase my marksmanship talents as i played the Konami Shooting game..luckily i was on form that day otherwise i would have lost face. My shots were spot-on, i didnt shoot any civilians and i dodged more bullets than Neo in Matrix ;p hahaha..haiya then again, the computer is no match for an Infantry Leader, after all, I'm SISPEC-trained haha...I had a great time there with her, hope i get to play arcade again with her someday. When we finished our game, the rest were still playing so we went to buy sweets. I got a shock when the show ended, cos it was already 1145pm. I had to be back by midnight! And I was surprised to see 2Lt Nelson sitting behiind me. He advised me not to be late! Alex laughed at me cos i was so relaxed. I said what can i do, I'm already late ma haha...then I shared a cab with Qiuyun cos there isnt any more train. We kept each other company with our never-ending conversations throughout the journey. She's very friendly, keeps asking me things and she can hold a conversation well...I reached camp first so i just told her to be careful and to let me know when she has reached home. She replied very late, she said she felt nauesea. But she didnt reply me, when i asked how was she the next day..
Now, as for xmas eve, i was home. However, jinjin jio me out on xmas day itself. I got a shock when i reached our meeting place, Derek had to pei Candy(i understand), Jinjin said he no money liao so he not soming out(idiot). So it was only me and Qiuyun. Luckily she wasnt angry, anyway i had a xmas gift for her just in case haha..Once again, we were just talking the night away. Initially we wanted to catch a movie while waiting for them to come but she watched Kungfu and she's watching 'Meet the Fockers' withe her friend. so, in the end, we just strolled along Orchard. She accompanied me to Taka to look at Gundams. After that we went to look at T-shirts cos i was looking for it. We saw some nice designs at Espirit, but it was $90!!!!! I joked that Qiuyun could give it to me for xmas and she tot i was serious! haha..Luckily i didnt bore her to death cos we took turns to look at our own things, though she didnt really looked at clothes cos i was there, with the exception of Mango..I cant really remember what else we did cos i was still tired from my COS duty the day before..i recalled walking to and fro along Orchard though..HMV, cine, Taka, etc. Finally, we decided to hv a drink while we waited for them to come at CoffeeBean. Over there, we talked even more...then Qiuyun told them not to come le, cos she had to go home. So, i accompanied her home, must have li mao ma! But she told me to send her to her station only. I was exhausted at the end of the day, but I had a wonderful time. Hope she did too. I was abit paisay that the rest came so late...She said the Shirt was abit too big :p oops haha...
i was here @
11:25 PM.
Friday, December 10, 2004
[[pain...lost...disappointed]]
i have seen the othopedaetrist..my knees seem to be worse than i thought. He wants me to consider to go for a proper check by inserting a scope into my knee. To do that, he will have to pump my knee with fluid and i wont be able to walk for a few days. I should have went to check my knee earlier. Maybe if i did, my knees wont be so badly damaged and maybe i wont have to go to Taiwan and maybe i wont lose my baby. However, a line in
Macross Zero states "..History dont accept any
ifs.." I wouldnt have known, nobody would.
I feel its better to lose her thru death. If she were to depart, i would only be left with our sweet and beautiful memories. I would find it easier to cry in front of ppl. Ppl wouldnt think that i'm a lousy bf like now. However the way i lost her, i was left with scarred memories, pain, misunderstandings of me and a whole lot of mess to clear up with loose ends dangling all over the place.
i watched Gundam SEED Destiny Ep. 8
the thgs that are happening in the show strike deep in my heart...i can relate to them...the thgs that the characters go thru, the pain, the confusion, every emotion they experienced, i can feel everyone of them...maybe that's y i watch Japanese anime/shows, especially Gundam...in Gundam, there's no clear distinction btwn right and wrong. Its all about different ideals. I have always thought that different ppl have different way of thking..maybe that's why i can associate with Gundam...at this point, there is a whirlpool of emotions in me...all of which are the same as what the characters feel....
Anger - Shin blames the country Obu for the death of this family, but anger blinds him frm the fact that Obu fights for its ppl and that Obu itself is a victim...
There is anger raging inside me. The betrayal fuels my anger. Some of you guys what actually happened, others only know the surface of things. For those who know, you feel angry too. When I watched Blade whacked the vampines, i wondered if I would be like him if i let loose. I nearly did back then. it was fortunate I controlled too this time. Anger also rages because I realised the turn of events has caused ppl to have a wrong conception of me. I'm misunderstood. They misunderstood me. That's what i hate most in life. I dont mind not being recognised for what i do, i Just want to be appreciated, and the thing i most hate is to be misunderstood, when ppl say i didnt do anythg when i did so much. This is what's happening now. I am a victim, a victim of circumstances. Why dont anyone see that?
Lost of direction/Confusion - Athrun told Kira he is still looking for the answer as to who and how should they be fighting. He left his father's army to fight against him. He felt it was the right thing to do. He had different ideals from his father, but now the consequences of his actions are haunting him. Its make matters worse for him. He is locked in a turmoil within himself. He doesnt know what he's doing or what he should be doing.
I dont know what's happening...I dont know what happened...I dont know why it happened...I need answers. Somehow nothing seems to answer my questions. I need to be guided. I need to be supported.
Disappointment - Athrun and Cagali feel disappointed that the peace they fought so hard to achieve is going to be wiped out in the blink of an eye. All because of the uncertainties in ppl's hearts and the troubled times. The government of Obu wants to follow the actions of those who themselves are blinded and do not have a clear perception of things. Cagali warns them, but they are too blinded to listen.
I fought hard in my own battle. I fought long and hard for a better tomorrow, for us. But all for nothing. She gave up just like that when she herself had fought like me. I endured everythg silently, never to claim glory but look at what has happened. I sacrificed my knees just to hear ppl say i neglected her. I decided not to check my knees because my bookouts are precious. I want to give all my time to here. I had little free time so i didnt want to waste it visiting the doctor, I wanted to spend all of it with her. Now its too late to be treated, and it was all in vain. I did so much more for her. She knew, but she chose to leave. Pple didnt know and they say i neglected her. Ppl, whom she knew, had the wrong perceptions and they misguided her.
Follow your heart You only do that if there are no implications to others. However, She was told the wrong thing. She swayed during times of uncertainties. I stood firm. I tried to get her back on track but she was too blinded already...
Pain - self-explanatory
i was here @
10:56 PM.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
[[meaningful]]
There was once this guy who is very much in love with His girl. This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of Paper-cranes as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his future doesn't seemed too bright, they were very happy Together. Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for the both of them, so let's go their own ways there and then ... Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regains his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself. Finally with all these handwork and the help of friends, this guy had set up his own company. You never fail until you stop trying One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize those were his girl's parents. With a heart in getting back at them, he drived slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same anymore; he had his own company, car, comfort He made it! Before the guy can realize, the couple was walking towards a cemetery, and he got out of his car and Followed ....and he saw his girl, a photograph of her Smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone... And he saw his paper cranes beside her. Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that Person who you thought meant nothing to you her parents saw him. He ask them why had this Happened. They explained, she did not leave for France At all. She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle ... therefore she had Choose to leave him... Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings Him to her again..... He can take some of those back with him ... Once you have loved, you will always Love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever. The guy just wept... The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them
i was here @
7:32 PM.
Monday, December 06, 2004
[[happening day]]
went Taka with JinJin and saw the finalist models of the Gundam modelling competition! wow...they are damn good! how i wished i could model my gundam like these experts...there is also a discount in Gundam model kits there..i saw my dream model --> Freedom Gundam Master Grade! its $63.95 after a 20% discount...i wanted very much to buy it, but i do not have any more space in my bedroom and my 2 display cabinets are already overflowing...besides, i hv 5 more Master Grades uncompleted, not to mention some High-Grade and Super-Deformed...die sia got so many Gundam..hahaha
after seoul garden with JinJin's friends, went back to sengkang to talk cock with him and Alex...really lost touch for so long with these 2 guys...after so long, these 2 still stood by me even when i'm at my most down...they are my true pals, the Athrun in my life...talk alot la, Montfort, girls, ourselves, how poor thing i was for being cheated etc....
got a msg from Gundam Girl to link to her blog,but i know nuts about blogging, so i got my brother to do it for me....its still uncompleted..haizzz ....and stupid Cuckoo, you know who you are, keeps pestering me for a cordless phone,while Gundam Girl wants a Digital Camera...i'm not that rich k! hahah...anyway, i would like a gundam for Xmas too if you dont mind
i was here @
1:51 AM.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
[[food for thought]]
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have...
Juz dat not evryone thks this way...they only see what they want to see...in the end, they miss out all the things that mean the most and are the most real and stays true even in the hardest and toughest of times...isnt dat what love is? thru thick and thin..it doesnt mean anythg if one showers u wif all the care, juz the way u want it... it doesnt mean anythg if he doesnt hold his ground thru times of hardship..a relationship isnt juz abt the honeymoon period...it's how long it lasts..how u made it last dat long...ppl tend to only see the sweet thgs abt luv during the good times...they forget dat love also means sacrifice, tolerence, perseverance and sticking together thru the hard times... there's so much more to love than i dare say i noe....but i'm still learning...it's nv wrong not to know evrythg...but it is the biggest mistake to think dat u do know everythg..and worse still, reject the gd advice and experinces shared....love doesnt juz involve one person...juz because ur feelings seem to hv disappeared doesnt mean dat his has too...hv u taken him into consideration? he tot of how u wld feel if he were to end it all juz bcos he didnt hv any more feelings...he felt a sense of responsibility for ur feelings towards him so he persisted and sought back the feelings he once had...however when he found them, it was ur turn to lose ur feelings..however this time, its different...he tot u wld hv done the same..but no, u left it as it is...its ok, he offered to find them back on ur behalf...but u already decided to leave for greener pastures for u always wanted it, thus forsaking him...n u forget dat even a day came when e pastures r gone, ultimately he wld be the only one standing there...
i was here @
9:20 AM.
[[haizzz...very fan]]
hmm...now i feel i'm a little bit like Athrun...back then, he left his father's army to fight alongside kira, against his father...now the consequences of his actions are coming back to haunt him...its not that he made a wrong choice, its juz that people disapprove of his decision because they have a different way of thinking..he may not show it, but somehow i feel that Athrun regrets his decision..its juz too much to bear....
now i feel miserable too, hurt and upset...somehow or rather, i felt that i made the wrong choice back then, maybe thgs would have turn out otherwise? cant really explain it..i'm just so confused...this is longdrawn and tiresome battle for me, as in Gundam, the wars fought, often lose meaning because the soldiers lose direction....its the same for me
i was here @
1:11 AM.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
[[]]
people who know me know that i'm crazy abt Gundam..think i'm drawn to Japanese anime bcos of their stories and its meanings..smtimes i relate myself to Kira(Gudam SEED),drawn reluctantly into a fight he doesnt understand. He fights for the ones he care for, not for himself. He doesnt claim credit, he juz wan to be appreciated but the ones that he protect take him for granted and forsake him..others,like Frey,make use of him for their own personnal goals..he doesnt mind, his heart is pure..but smtimes he feels so lonely..bcos he fights his own people, the coordinators & he cant fit in among the naturals..he goes against those who will accept him but only to realise that ppl he protects forsake him..he puts himself thru so much misery only to find himself alone in the world..just when it was too much,Athrun, his buddy forgave his past deeds and stood by him....
this is what i see now..friends whom i neglected suddenly appear before me..but they cant possibly stand by me all time,so i'm still very much alone in my own fight..i give so much till the very last moment only to find myself standing alone..the one i fought so long for forsake me..leaving me all alone to fend for myself while she leaves for a better life,forgetting that i have always been fending for her and neglecting my own self..why is the human mind so weak? why do they give up? why do cagali and kira continue fighting for Obu even when they know its a losing battle? why cant we do the same? ..but i did it! i persist even when i was tired why couldnt she? ..i wish i could be like kira..the world may be in chaos, their lives a living hell but they find purpose in fighting for their cause no matter how bleak it may seem..they may fail but everyone sticks together and stay true to each other even during times of uncertainty..why do people forget about all this & mind only for themselves?
....i want to be like kira
i made a wrong choice then. it hurts to see her like this. it is my fault.
i was here @
1:13 PM.